Why can’t I get a date?

“Why can’t I get a date?” is a question more commonly asked than you think. It reminds me of a time several years ago when I was dating. A friend of mine was complaining about not being able to find any men to date – at all. Meanwhile, I had several men waiting up to three weeks to go on a date with me because I was so booked out!

Why were our experiences so different?

One thing I can tell you is that it had absolutely NOTHING to do with our looks! She’s a gorgeous, outgoing person, and it didn’t matter that we weren’t twins. Men have their preferences, and I know for a fact that my “type” isn’t the preference of many men. I personally see myself as a bit of a dork. I can be awkward at times, I’m loud, and I can honestly see why some men wouldn’t want to date me! But that is perfectly ok because I had such a long waiting list!

So what WAS causing the differences in our experiences?

There were many reasons, and today I’m going to cover just a few of them.

Lack of belief

My friend had previously been through hell where relationships were concerned, so she had this ingrained belief that all men were assholes, and that they flaked.

So… by thinking this way, what do you think she was attracting, over and over again?

Fear

My friend was terrified of being hurt again. She was allowing what had happened in the past to shape what she felt her future may hold for her.

Lack of clarity

She was yet to define exactly what she wanted in a man and in a relationship. Having this clarity is actually one of the first steps towards creating the reality that you want, because once you know what you want, it’s easier to attract it.

Her mind was closed – and locked shut!

While being “picky” is ok for the most part (we know what we like, right?), my friend found every reason under the sun to decide she didn’t want to go on a date with a particular person.

If he sounded nervous on their first call, he was out! If he didn’t reach out to her for a day, he was out! If he used bad grammar in a text… yep… he was OUT!

Sometimes, especially when dating, we need to be a little bit open-minded. We also need to be careful of our intentions when dating.

Many women tend to decide before their first date if they would marry the dude, and to be honest, marriage should be the last thing on your mind!

Dating is about getting out and meeting new people, and experiencing new things. If the new person eventually becomes something more, then great! If he doesn’t, then he wasn’t the one! It’s just important that we remove all expectations of the poor dude to be perfect, because I can tell you now from my own experience, that there is no such thing as the “perfect man”.

There is however, the perfect man for you! But if you’re going to lock him out with your repelling energy or your unrealistic expectations, then he won’t be able to get within 100 metres of you!

In summary

Dating needs to be about having fun, and being curious about meeting new people. I had one guy take me motorbike riding (I’d never ridden before) for our first date (I had known him for years so I didn’t need to get to know him before agreeing to this!). He taught me how to ride the bike, then let me loose. It was so much fun!

Another guy and I walked laps of my suburb as our first date. What a perfect way to get to know somebody before you commit to a “proper” date! And others organised a catchup for coffee or a drink after work as our first date. I enjoyed all of these dates because I was getting to know about a new person and to hear stories of their life, and I shared mine as well.

My belief was spot on because I knew in my bones that “the one” was out there somewhere, and that he would appear when I was ready. Every man that didn’t work out, was simply just one step closer to “the one”.

I wasn’t afraid if getting hurt – my first husband prepared me for this, and again, I wasn’t going to “attach” to anyone until I was sure he was the right one.

I knew what I wanted – the dealbreakers and the desirables (I’ll write something up about that list…).

And my mind was completely open. If he seemed interesting and no dealbreakers were in play, then I’d usually agree to a date.

You see, dating really must be seen as a training ground (not a hunting ground), and don’t take things too seriously. Consider it a fun way to meet new people. Maybe the guy isn’t for you, but if you go on that date with no expectations apart from having a good time, I can assure you that your results will improve considerably!