What are you tolerating?

One of the toughest lessons of my life was taught by a psychologist back in 2000.  I had just decided to walk away from my marriage after years of verbal and emotional abuse, and my husband was doing everything he could to win me back, including couples counseling, which is something I had been asking him to do with me for years.  Unfortunately for him, it was too little too late, but back to the story…

Our first session was together as a couple, then we were invited back separately to tell our sides of the story, which is when this valuable lesson came my way, like a hard and sudden slap in the face.

She told me that I was telling him it was ok to treat me the way he had been, and I was telling him this every time he did it.

Wha??

I didn’t understand, so she elaborated.

She told me that every time he treated me badly, I would get upset, tell him so, then I would eventually “forgive” him and life would go on – he was suffering no real consequences for his actions, and this was sending him a very clear message that his treatment of me was perfectly ok.

So I was teaching him how to treat me, through my actions, or lack of.  Wow.

I remember telling him how painful his words were when he spoke/yelled them at me, and he could clearly see how upset I was, but to him they were just words and to him they meant nothing, although his words to me meant everything.

So here I was, for nine years, “telling” him to keep those nasty words coming because no matter what I would stick by his side.  It wasn’t until I made the decision to leave him and started the process to do so, that he finally realised my words were no longer just words.

If only I had known the power of action, then maybe he would have stopped before I no longer felt anything for him, or maybe our marriage could have been saved?  I guess I will never know, and I am 100% grateful for the many lessons he taught me.

What are you tolerating?  Are you teaching people to respect you and treat you well?  Or is the opposite true?