I received a private message from a lovely person who was grieving the loss of a guy, who from my perspective, was giving her nothing but crumbs.
She was absolutely devastated at losing this guy, and here’s what I said to her…
“Based on what you’ve told me, you are pining over a guy who clearly wasn’t prepared to have a relationship with you, plus he wasn’t offering you anything but crumbs – everything was on his terms. So you were basically pining over his potential and not the reality.
So if I were you, I’d get real with myself about how things really were (yes, there was the occasional affection from him. With or without sex, that means nothing, btw), realise he was offering you nothing, then get clear about what you really want in a man and paint a picture of him in your mind. Once you have that picture, start telling yourself that he’s out there. One day you may start to believe it, and when you do, watch out! ;)”
All too often we get caught up in how we would love things to be. Or we get this notion in our head that some day he’ll wake up and realise what he’s got, and finally step up. But the reality is that right now, things are not as you wish them to be.
So here’s what you need to do if you find yourself pining over a guy you just broke up with (or you could still be with him and you’re contemplating whether this is serving you or not!)…
- Get out a pen and paper, and write down what you want. How should your guy treat you? How should you feel in his presence?
- Get real. Was he really all that great? Was everything about him and how he treated you, exactly how you liked it? Seriously?
- How did you feel most of the time when you were with him? Completely comfortable and able to be yourself? Or were you constantly watching what you said, to make sure you didn’t turn him off or push him away?
- Get serious about whether your guy was all about you, or all about himself. You may be surprised.
- If you had a daughter, would you love it for her to be in a relationship with a guy like this?
You need to be 100% honest with yourself here.
And once you’ve done all of that, get out there and date! Be open to dating men you wouldn’t normally date. The reason I say this is because more often than not, we tend to go for the men who seem harder to get, rather than the ones who are likely to actively pursue us.
It’s actually a strange feeling to go from an emotionally unavailable guy, to one who is completely focused on you, and sometimes (as I feel with my new guy) you will wonder if this is all too easy!
In fact, many of us reject guys who are all about us, because we either don’t think we are worthy, or we think something may be wrong with him if he likes us so much!
Silly huh?
I now know what it’s like to feel adored, and after also being the recipient of crumbs, I now know what I want for myself – and its the easy option! <3
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