Are you making him “wrong” or is he just doing what he does?

How many times have you felt frustrated, angry or upset with your guy for not calling you for days, for being moody ALL of the time (well, it feels that way…), or for just plain doing things that make you feel bad?

Here’s a situation you might relate to:

Lisa is a beautiful, outgoing girl who is dating a guy who treats her like he worships the ground she walks on while they’re on a date. But then he doesn’t call her for days, sometimes she waits over a week for a call!

Lisa is obviously wondering what’s going on with him and is starting to feel quite angry at the lack of contact between dates.

But is what he’s doing actually wrong?

This last year I’ve learned more about relationships than any other time in my life, and one of the main lessons I’ve learned is this:

1. A guy will do what he wants to do.
2. It is up to me if I want to have that in my life.
3. I can choose to walk away from what I don’t like.

I’m not saying that a guy should be allowed to walk all over you, and I definitely do not agree with stuffing your feelings about something that’s bothering you either.

So how can you handle these quirks some guys have and be true to yourself as well, all without making him wrong?

There are some things you might want to try:

1. Decide if his actions are dealbreakers for you. For example, if I were to meet a guy and later found he was taking illegal drugs, I’d walk away and never walk back – that’s a dealbreaker for me. But if I’m with a guy who doesn’t pick up his socks, that’s not such an issue for me – it annoys me but it’s not a dealbreaker.
2. If it’s not a dealbreaker, learn to accept his quirks by creating a fulfilling life for yourself without relying or focusing on him. If he wants to call, he’ll call. If he wants to pick up his socks, he will. Otherwise you’re so busy with your life you will hardly notice he’s not called.
3. If it is a dealbreaker (or even if not), talk to him about it. Don’t make accusations and make him wrong. Just tell him (assuming you have issues with his lack of contact as an example) that it feels good to receive contact several times a week from a guy because it makes you feel wanted and cared for, and what does he think.
4. If you see no change and it’s a dealbreaker, then it’s time to put yourself first, so you know what to do. You deserve to be treated well and to be with somebody who is worth of you!
5. Don’t take his words/actions/lack of action personally – it’s all about him and not you.

My guy has a tendancy to be a little…err…moody. At first it used to bother me – a lot! I would often wonder if he was upset or angry at me. I would then obsess about it, trying to work out what I’d done. I would ask him if I’d done something wrong and I would think he was lying when he said no. I would then start to feel angry at him for being moody. He would then get mad at me for being so emotional. And then I would cry…. and my spiral downward would continue.

Phew! What a mess huh?

These days things are VERY different. If he’s moody, it doesn’t matter why. I might ask him if I’ve done something to bother him, and if he says no (which is always the case), I believe him and I drop it and get on with my day. If he wants to talk he’ll talk. If not, then I will move my focus on to me and leave him to his “stuff”. If I don’t want to be around a moody person, I’ll make plans to do something that doesn’t involve him.

Lisa therefore could talk to her man and say something like “I really feel good when I hear from a guy more than once a week – I feel wanted and cared for when that happens. What do you think?”.

Lisa should then drop it unless he brings it up.

It’s now up to her man to either keep doing what he’s always done, or change his actions.

In the meantime, Lisa should focus on herself and get herself busy – so busy that she’ll hardly even notice if he doesn’t call.

And that’s the key.

If you’re in a relationship the same concept applies and keeping the focus on you is what you need to do, no matter what. His stuff is about him, not you, so why waste all of that energy making him out to be wrong, when he’s just doing what he does?

It’s our choice if we want to stay and tolerate it or walk away, so nobody’s “wrong” really – unless you choose to tolerate a situation you hate. How can that be right for you?

Haha I’ve really rambled on today, but I hope I’ve gotten my message across – learn to look at his actions differently and you will turn your relationship – and your life – around!