Why does my guy keep saying he can’t win with me?

coupleDoes your guy complain that no matter what he does, it’s never the right thing? Does he get all frustrated, saying that he just cannot please you, no matter what he does?

Here is a question that was put to me this morning…

Hi Michelle,

My guy said to me last night that he was feeling frustrated because he didn’t know what was up with me. He had to keep guessing, because whenever he suggested something to do, I would just pull away and not say anything.

He feels unappreciated, like no matter what he does, he cannot please me.  He also said that he’s fine for me to plan a date, or tell him what I want to do, but doesn’t that go against what we’ve been taught about being feminine?

So instead I just cancel instead of telling him.

HELP!

Melissa

This is a common problem, because we don’t want to come across as unappreciative or harsh, and we certainly don’t want to come across as masculine, so how do we deal with situations like this?

Here’s my answer…

Hi Melissa

I think you’re saying that he’s asking you to be more open about when you’re not happy with a plan he suggests, right?

Well here’s the thing… I do believe that it’s ok to express when something doesn’t sit well with you, but there’s a way to go about it. Plus you’ve you’ve got to make it totally about you and not about him.

Being inauthentic and pretending you’re ok with it, or just shutting him out, will not work. In fact, it will most likely push him away.

He’s not a mind reader, so he cannot possibly know what’s up with you, and as you are shutting him out, he’s left feeling confused and like he can’t please you, no matter what he does. Eventually he will give up trying.

So…sometimes a guy’s going to suggest something that you’re not 100% happy about, and that’s to be expected – we can’t all be perfect all of the time!

Sometimes when you’re getting to know someone, it’s difficult to know straight away what they like and don’t like doing. So as feminine women, we let them lead. Sometimes they will suggest something that’s not exactly what we would love to do, but the fact that they bothered deserves some appreciation.

For the most part, going with the flow will work well for you. But it’s also ok to express your thoughts on other things you’d like to do, without “demanding” it of him.

In conversation, maybe you can say something like “I really appreciate what you planned for us tonight! I really feel special/cared for/whatever! Maybe we could also try xxx some day…that would be so much fun!”.

Bottom line is that we must be warm and open and show appreciation for what they’re doing. Men want to feel appreciated for their efforts, and even if the effort wasn’t exactly what you wanted, it was still an effort.

And if after all that, he still doesn’t suggest a date that you would really enjoy, then you will need to do things a little differently (while smiling!), such as… “It would feel really good to do something different tonight…what do you think?”

So you’ve not shown a lack of appreciation, but rather expressed a preference.

Eventually a good guy will get the message! 😉

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