Living in the moment vs future thinking

I’ve posted a lot about dating and relationships lately, and that’s probably because I’m single and have plenty of single people around me, some of whom I have coached along the way, so why not? There is always soooo much to learn!

One of the biggest “traps” women tend to fall into when joining the dating scene is “future thinking”. I’m guilty of doing this in the past too.

My friend Amy had just come out of a terrible relationship with a man who was just not right for her at all!

I remember receiving many late night calls from her in tears, after yet another argument with her man who was clearly not right for her.

Thankfully her relationship only lasted a few months, but the scars left from the experience were deep, but she also learned a LOT!

Shortly after the breakup she started dating a guy who was absolutely smitten with her. Things were definitely going very well and finally she was smiling again. I was relieved!

But then she started to worry, and began to stress about the future and what his intentions were, and what if things went bad again, and, and, and….

So here’s what I said to her… “Amy! How do you feel when you’re with him?”

Amy: “I feel cherished, and I just feel amazing!”

Me: “If you feel that way, then stop bloody worrying about the future! Focus on NOW! If he’s treating you right and you’re happy with him, then what is there to worry about? You don’t know what your future holds, and neither does he. And if you spend the entire time worrying about what your future may hold, you won’t have the chance to enjoy NOW!”

She took my advice, and already marriage is on the table. Not only that, but I’ve never seen such a cute couple in my life!

Her future thinking was really holding her back from letting things progress naturally.

Future thinking is basically just a natural inclination for many of us women to get a little ahead of ourselves when we first meet a man. Instead of staying focused on getting to know him and learning more about him, we start to fantasize about what he’ll be like as a husband, or worse, we start to fear that he may be using us for sex or that things won’t work out and we’ll get badly hurt.

This future thinking can often turn us into clingy, needy messes!

When getting to know a man, it’s not necessarily a bad thing to consider if he has long term potential though. If you meet a guy for the first time and he tells you he can’t stand children and you have 3 littlies at home, now would be a good time to cut the date short, because you know it’s never going to be a long term thing!

When you start dating a man, you first need to ask yourself some very important questions:

  1. How do I feel in his presence?
  2. Does he treat me how I like to be treated?
  3. Is he leading things, initiating regular contact, and showing genuine interest in me?

If you don’t feel great in his presence or if you feel uncomfortable, why is that? If something’s not feeling right, get clear on why this is.

A guy who initiates contact and “leads” is showing you that he is interested in you in some way. If you were always texting and calling him first, then you’re not giving him a chance to show his interest in you, so you’ll never be quite clear about how interested he actually is.

Men can also be quite turned off by women who regularly “chase”, so best to leave that part to him!

If all of your responses to the questions above were positive, then you’re off to a great start!

It doesn’t mean wedding bells are in the future though, and this is the hard part…

Now is the time to:

  • Just “be”
  • Live in the moment – enjoy your time with him! Stop spending that time worrying about what your future may hold.
  • Stay focused on how you feel when you’re with him. If you feel good, then great
  • Let go of future thinking. Nobody knows where things will lead with you two. Yes, he may be an arse who uses you then moves on, or he’s just a sweet guy who’s taking his time getting to know you before he’s prepared to take things to the next level. Try to let go of control and just go with the flow…
  • Until you are clear where things stand with him (he will let you know his intentions eventually), date other men! Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket. Not all men are ready, willing, or able to commit to you, so don’t allow yourself to get invested in one of these. Keep your options open.
  • Have FUN! Life is meant to be enjoyed, so make the most of the attention coming your way. Allow yourself to receive from these men.
  • Enjoy every moment, because life is waaayyyy too short.

By letting go of that control, and having to know where things are leading, you will find that you will feel so much freer just to enjoy life without any hangups. Yes things may not work out, but there’s a chance they will. Either way, wouldn’t you rather enjoy the journey rather than spend the entire time worrying??

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