Are your actions pushing away what you desire the most?

Today I’m going to talk a little about relationships and how your actions can draw a man in or push him away and what you can do to turn this around if you find your man withdrawing.

After two failed marriages, lots of dates and even more research on this topic, I have a pretty good understanding of the way relationship dynamics work, and I also understand just how wrong I was getting it for so many years! Who would’ve thought that my incessant need to plan and organise was part of the problem in my past relationships??? I certainly didn’t!

But the key is awareness. I am now aware what a man likes and doesn’t like and I also know that by making a few key internal changes, I can completely transform my relationships for the better! And I’ve done just that with my man!

Now, I’m going to use me as a prime example of what not to do…

But first I want to discuss masculine and feminine energy. In any happy and healthy relationship there’s got to be a balance of masculine and feminine energy.

Without this balance, you have constant conflict, feelings of dissatisfaction, and a whole host of problems in your relationship.

In a relationship, one person must be in feminine while the other is in masculine energy. It doesn’t matter which one, as long as you’re not the same. But women (just like men) need to be feminine at least some of the time, otherwise she feels dissatisfied.

The masculine person is the one who organises and plans, they are the givers, they look after everybody else, they control the finances, and the list goes on.

The feminine person just “is”. They let the masculine partner lead, they receive from the maculine partner and they are the softer, “receiving” person in the relationship, just going along with the flow in some ways.

My ideal man is very masculine, so I need to be careful not to switch into masculine energy, which has been my problem in the past. In the past I controlled the finances, I made all of the plans, I made sure things were organised, I would be the one to hook the DVD player to the TV, I was in control!

And I was VERY unhappy.

In my first marriage to a very masculine man, we clashed. And because he suffered from low self esteem, he would attack as his way of bringining me back down so he could feel better about himself. And I attacked back. Because I was also masculine in many ways.

In my second marriage, again I was in the masculine energy and again I was the one who controlled everything. My husband (bless him – he’s such a lovely man!) was more feminine in his energy. So while we were in opposite energy types, I wasn’t happy because I so desperately needed to be the girl and have my man look after things for once. So many times I tried to hand over the budgeting to him, but he refused, saying I was the brains of the family.

He and I are still great friends, and I hope we continue to stay that way. But I cannot be married to him because I need a masculine energy man.

Ok. So that brings me to now!

My current relationship wasn’t always a bed of roses, but for the most part it’s pretty good now. And it took a LOT of work on my part!

In the beginning, I was still struggling to let go of my masculine energy. My man would constantly point out how I was trying to control and manipulate him with my words and actions and he was so right!

Even now he sometimes says “Why do you have to plan absolutely everything down to the last detail??”. It annoys him that I feel this need to do this, so letting go of it has been difficult for me and sometimes I slip back into that masculine energy but usually pull myself out of it before it becomes an issue.

He and I had been on a roller coaster for a very long time. I often attacked him for things I “thought” he was doing (or thinking!), and I really struggled to give up control, constantly trying to get him to specifically tell me the status of our relationship. Of course he resisted (any man would!), and of course I would get upset by it.

Often would disappear into his “man cave” for a day or so just to get away from my intense energy! I’m surprised he even stuck around, because I really did make our lives hell for a very long time.

He was no angel either (it always takes two), but I can certainly see where my feelings and actions played a big part in how we were going.

So… how did I turn this around?

Here’s some of what I did – and these are some things you can apply in your relationship to see if it makes a difference:

  • I stopped trying to control EVERYTHING
  • I stopped worrying about our relationship and where it was going
  • I stopped nagging him about the status of our relationship
  • I stopped thinking about him constantly
  • I learned to receive from him without feeling guilty (this was big for me. I had never been with such a generous man before, and probably felt a little “unworthy” of my man’s gifts. But as a masculine man, it makes him feel good when he gives)
  • I made the decision to trust him 100% and stop worrying that he may hurt me
  • I stopped trying to “trap” him by locking him in my “cage” and locking the door – he has his life and I have mine – he needed to be free to do that without upsetting me
  • I finally believed that I am the prize and he is lucky to have me, and that if he didn’t want to be with me, then there were plenty around who did!
  • I let him re-do my budget. This was VERY difficult for me because I’d always done my own budget because I was with men who were terrible with money and I constantly lived without while my men got what they want. My man did a great job I am pleased to say, and my finances are looking better and better every day! :-)

So can you see here that I’ve not only let him take over some of the masculine tasks that I used to do, but I’ve also learned to let go, enjoy the moment and trust that he’s going to do what’s best for both of us.

I know this is a very vulnerable place to be in an emotional sense, but if I can’t open my heart to this man, what’s the point in having a future with him??

Comments

  1. great post! i’d love to know HOW you accomplished your change. making the decision to trust is one thing, going through with it over time is another. any pointers?
    thanks for sharing your path!!

  2. Hi Ki and what a great question! Making the decision to trust was not an easy one, but I’ll try to explain my thoughts at the time and how I accomplished this.

    My second marriage ended because I could no longer trust my husband due to what he had done some time ago. I had tried to get past it but just couldn’t. As a result (and because we didn’t get outside help), our marriage ultimately failed.

    Trust for me is extremely important in any relationship. Without that, you have nothing.

    So I went into this relationship with some serious baggage regarding trust, and my poor guy paid the price for that. OMG I totally drove him crazy I’m sure! :-)

    And then finally last December, after I had been driving myself crazy too, I knew I had to make a choice. I had two choices:

    1. To continue to not trust him completely
    2. To trust him 100%

    Option 1, when I thought about it, wasn’t ideal. If I didn’t trust him then what was the point of continuing in our relationship?

    Option 2 was scary!

    So my line of thinking was this: Which option has the worst possible outcome?

    The worst outcome for me was that we would break up. I also knew that Option 1 meant we would definitely break up because I NEED trust in a relationship.

    Option 2 was different. Although I didn’t know what the outcome would be, if I chose that, then I have a 50% chance of improving our relationship and my future. I also had a 50% chance of him hurting me and breaking my trust.

    I eventually decided that the risk was worth it. Option 1 = doomed. Option 2 = maybe we can be happy.

    When I thought about it this way, the choice was easy!

    Ok I’ve rambled on a bit here but I hope this has helped and I apologise for taking so long to reply. :-)

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