Are abusive relationships worth saving?

When I talk about abusive relationships I refer to both physical and emotionally and verbally abusive relationships because although the action of the abuser is physically different, the emotional effects for the victim are actually very similar.

So if you’re in an abusive relationship, should you stay and try to work things out?

In some cases, if both parties get help (both will definitely need help!), then of course there may be a chance the relationship can be saved, but in many cases, the relationship is doomed from the moment the abuser started abusing.

I might talk of my own experience as the "victim" (I hate referring to myself as a victim, because I now choose not to be one in any situation, but for simplicity I will use this term), to explain what I mean.

I found that from the first time my former husband started verbally or emotionally abusing me, I began to build an emotional wall.  Each time he abused me, the wall grow by another row.  This wall was my protection.  It helped to reduce the hurt every time he called me a name or yelled at me. 

By the time our relationship had neared its fateful demise, I no longer felt anything at all.  I didn’t feel hurt when he abused me, and I most certainly didn’t feel any love for him whatsoever.  I was completely detached emotionally from the entire situation.  He called me a "cold hard b*tch" once, and that’s probably how I appeared to him, because I was no longer crying, begging him to stay with me and I most certainly wasn’t showing any emotion towards him!

When he suggested we seek counseling (this was after I told him I was leaving him) I only agreed because I had been begging him to go for a long time and until this point he’d always said we didn’t need it (yeah, right!).  To say no at this stage would have made me a hypocrite.  Problem was that I really didn’t see how going to counseling was going to help us, because emotionally I had left the relationship several years ago.  My body was just waiting to follow.

The counselor picked up on what I was feeling and also pointed out how he was trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty about how I was feeling.  She was sooo right!  It was at that point that I knew I had to do what was best for all of us – and I left.

Now, if you’re in an abusive relationship, I definitely suggest you seek help NOW.  Don’t wait.  It’s just not worth it.  You only have one chance at this life, so wasting it on the life you’re living now isn’t really "living"!

You might already know what you should do, but you’re yet to actually do it.  What’s holding you back?  What are you afraid of?  What do you hope to gain by staying?  What could you gain by leaving?

There are a lot of questions you need to answer – many of them not even mentioned here, which is why it is so important you seek professional assistance to help you make a decision then act on it. 

No matter what you decide, you must consider your safety, and if you have children, their safety too.  I cannot stress this enough.

Comments

  1. Im still in luv with my abuser,he just got sentenced to 90 months for beating my head in an i cant seem to cut it off.he is being so charming n loving an promising me he’ll change in the next 6 years an just for me to wait it out if i really luv him an he’ll show me true luv.im so in luv but so scared to.i want forever with him,but i dont want to waist 6 more years if he doesnt change,but I’ll hate myself if he does change.he says i break his heart an dont luv him or never have if i leave,im lost i dont know what todo.i hurt so bad

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