When was the last time you reviewed your goals?

If you have read through this website you will know that I truly believe that through setting goals you can dramatically boost your self confidence and self esteem.

The reason I think this is because achieving any goal, no matter how small it is, will give you some sense of achievement. As you gradually create bigger and better goals, you will begin to see some dramatic changes in your mindset too.

You will consider some challenges as “nothing” when once upon a time, the same challenges used to scare the life out of you! The standards you set for yourself improve too.

Setting goals and striving to achieve them is also a lot of fun! What is your biggest goal? What can you do each day to get you closer to your goal? How excited do you feel as you get closer?!

So if you have goals, when was the last time you reviewed them? (You have written them down, right?).

Sometimes as we go through life we kind of grow out of some of our goals, and that’s perfectly ok – as long as you replace them with new goals!

Set up a time over the next week to really focus on your goals and give them the attention they deserve – you will be glad you did!

If you’ve got some huge goals that you have absolutely NO idea how you’re going to achieve them, visit The Thrillionaires. This site is officially launching on August 24 (the date has changed, for anybody who has already taken a look) and it’s free to join.

The idea is to fill out your own goal list and then start living all of your wildest dreams.

Depending on what you want to do, the Thrillionaires community even helps you find the funding to pursue those dreams. People are joining all over the world–with incredible stories and achievements, so be sure to at least check it out and sign up for free.

Is your self talk doing you damage?

What you say to yourself can sometimes be more damaging than what others say to you.

How often do you berate yourself for doing something wrong or making a mistake? How harsh are you?

For the most part, we are more harsh on ourselves than others are of us, and it is until we become conscious of the fact that we are doing this, that we can finally take control of it.

We all make mistakes and we all do things we may regret later, but these things are all part of learning. As long as you learn from your past mistakes, you can move on and make different choices next time.

The following steps will give you some idea of what you can try the next time you notice you’re talking negatively to yourself:

• First, be aware of what you say to yourself and why you are saying it.
• Instead of telling yourself that you were stupid for doing something wrong, reword it in your mind to be more like “Ok, that wasn’t the right thing to do. Next time I will do it like…whatever”.
• Compliment yourself when you do something well! Give yourself a mental pat on the back when you succeed!
• Reward yourself for your accomplishments! You don’t have to go all out – just do something nice for yourself!
• You MUST believe you deserve to be treated well, because if you begin to believe it, then your self talk will change. Change that and you will start to see people treating you differently (nice differently! ) and that makes you feel even better about yourself.

When you change how you speak to yourself and how you perceive yourself, the outside world changes dramatically. All of a sudden you see things differently and in a more positive light. More opportunities come your way, a different breed of people start to cross your path and things just seem to go right all of a sudden.

Try this over the next month and see what a difference it really can make to your entire life!

You can only help those who want to help themselves

I had an interesting Facebook (FB) experience last night and this morning.

A male FB friend had asked the question why so many women are attracted to men who treat them badly.

I responded that many women have such a low self worth that they put up with such treatment. A woman with high self worth would never accept this kind of treatment ever!

Anyway, within a few minutes I was “attacked” by a woman who suggested I was putting all women into a box, stating I had “gr8 intellect”, etc etc etc.

She also went on to tell the world how she was seeing a criminal with several convictions against him, whilst telling me she had a high self worth.

Did she really? Why did she feel the need to “attack” me and insult my intelligence?

We all attract people into our lives that reflect our subconscious thoughts.

If she truly felt she was worthy of having quality people in her life, then she would never have had a relationship with this guy. She attracted him, but takes no responsibility for the fact that she attracted him.

I was once like this girl. My entire circumstances were the fault of someone else and not me.

It was when I finally realised that my entire future was in my hands (or even in my subconscious mind) that I was finally able to start living the life I always wanted.

Just so you know, I don’t feel insulted or hurt at all by what this woman – I feel sorry for her. Many would have felt tempted to attack back, but what would I have achieved by doing so?

I hope that one day she will think about what I wrote and finally realise that only she has the power to rid those “bad” types from her life…

Why do people hurt their children?

Yesterday and today I read of two horrific stories of fathers killing their children. One shot his entire family (including himself) and another threw his young daughter off a bridge and drove away.

What on EARTH would possess a man to kill or even hurt an innocent child???

We can all draw assumptions about why, such as “he was in the midst of a custody dispute and didn’t want his ex to have the children, so that’s why he killed them”… but regardless of the reasons behind why a parent would kill a child, I can say with absolute certainty, that in all cases these people have a low level of self esteem.

If they had a high regard for their self worth, then they wouldn’t put themself into a situation where they could be locked away for life.

If they had high self esteem, they would face the challenges in their life head-on, knowing that they would come out at the other end in one piece.

Their view on life would be a positive one.

When I hear stories such as the stories I mentioned above, I am saddened to know that if only they had received the right help to boost their self esteem, then maybe this situation would not have happened.

If ever you’re in a relationship with someone who has violent tendencies, both verbal and physical, I cannot stress enough that your safety and that of your children must be of paramount importance.

Get help from a professional who has skills dealing with situations such as yours and protect yourself and your children in every way you can.

How do you forgive someone?

My saying for today is this:

I don’t forgive people because I am weak, I forgive them because I couldn’t be bothered harboring negative thoughts…

Have you ever been guilty of harbouring resentment for somebody that did the wrong thing by you?

How did you benefit when experiencing these feelings? What if you were able to forgive that person and get on with your life?

This is a difficult concept for many people to accept and apply in their own lives.

“Why should I forgive him for what he did to me…?” might be the kind of reaction one would get if suggesting that forgiveness might be the right way to go.

Harbouring negative thoughts takes up sooo much energy and that energy is totally wasted. Personally, I just couldn’t be bothered!

Forgiving doesn’t mean you condone what they have done – it means you’re no longer going to let your feelings about them run your life.

My former husband treated me pretty badly for a long time, and in the end I walked out with my daughter, my personal belongings, some household items and what was left of my dignity. I told him he could have the house, the car and everything else inside.

So many people have asked me what I was thinking!? How could I let him keep everything after what he did to me!? I should take him for everything he had!

If I thought that way, then I’d still be in the “victim mentality”. I’d be fretting about all of the horrible things he did, maybe thinking up ways to get my revenge, thinking of how I could get as much money out of him as possible.

And my daughter’s life would have been filled with turmoil and anger.

Instead I chose another option. I didn’t need all of the “stuff” we had accumulated together. My daughter’s happiness and stability in her life was what I wanted more than anything. That is what helped me make my choice.

My former husband’s childhood was wrought with verbal abuse at the hands of his father (his father isn’t exactly what one would call a “happy” man…!), and whilst I don’t condone abuse of any kind, I do feel that the way he treated me was a symptom of all of the years of abuse he endured as a child (in fact, his father was still calling him names and putting him down well into his 30’s and probably still does).

I also know that deep down, he did care for our daughter and I, but he had a pretty terrible way of showing it – I suppose he never had a good example to follow.

I actually feel very sorry for the man, because I know that he will very likely remain the miserable man I married all those years ago – unless he finally gets off his butt and gets some help with his attitude and hopefully his self esteem!

So for me, forgiving him hasn’t been difficult at all. He had a terrible childhood, was miserable when I was married to him, and is still not exactly “Mr Happy” now. Nothing has changed, so I do feel pity for him, but know that only he has the power to change it, although I doubt he would have the foresight to actually do anything about it. Unfortunately. For him!

So how does one forgive? Well for me, it’s all about making the choice to do so. We can choose to forgive or not forgive. I also look at the situation from their perspective. For example, a thief who steals food from a store is breaking the law. But what if they feel they have a good reason to steal? What if they have starving children at home? What if they have no money and feel this is their only way? Ok, it doesn’t make what they’re doing right, but it does make it easier to understand why someone would stoop to such a level if they’re in a desperate situation.

We may never forget, but forgiving is taking back our power and moving on with our life.

How do you go when it comes to forgiving?

150 things to make you smile

I love coming across strategies that help us to see life from a positive angle and yesterday I came across a good one, and here it is:

You will need to put aside a little bit of time and you will require a notebook.

Ok, now think of 150 positive things in your life, past and present, and write them down.  This could be things you have, or things that have happened to you, or things you have experienced.

Any little thing counts, such as your child’s first smile, or a joke somebody told you, or even the yummy food you had for lunch today.

Keep writing until you have 150 things! 

Once you have done this, read through your list and feel grateful for all of the good things you have in your life.

Now, every day before you go to sleep, write down all of the positive things you experienced that day, feel grateful for each and every thing and watch your life transform.

Are you caught in an abusive relationship?

I regularly check the statistics of my website so I know what people are interested in, and time and time again I see that many people are caught in an abusive relationship and don’t know what to do.

I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship many years ago now, and can only try to imagine how things would have been if the abuse had turned physical.

A while ago I read a story that talked about abusive relationships and it was noted that in many cases, verbal abuse can eventually turn to physical abuse.

So even if you’re in a verbally abusive relationship, you MUST find a way out of your situation.

I see it this way. When caught in an abusive relationship you have three options:

1. Stay and put up with it

2. Stay and get help

3. Get out of there and get help!

With all three options, especially in the case of a physically abusive relationship, you must put your safety and that of your children (if you have any) first.

Number 1 might feel like the “safest” option right now, but long term things could progress and get worse. Even worse, your children could fall victim to the attacks or even grow up and find abusive partners of their own! This is probably the most damaging long term.

If you must stay (maybe for your safety), then you also need to get some help on how to deal with the abuse. Start off telling a close relative or friend, or even find a professional to help you. Remember though, your partner will not stop hurting you if you continue to let it happen. Remember that. It took me nine long years to wake up to this fact!

If you can get out safely, do so – but get help on how to deal with the wounds you have suffered, either physically and mentally. You don’t want to find yourself in the same situation again.

Remember your safety is paramount when you are in this situation, and trying to reason with an abuser is probably not going to work in many cases.

Abusers tend to be unhappy with very low self esteem (why else would they be like this?), but nothing justifies hurting another individual, no matter what.

Getting help can be as simple as searching online or making a call. Just remember that for as long as you give them permission, they will continue to hurt you.

How do you improve self confidence

I’ve been thinking a lot about this over the last week, doing research on the various areas around self confidence and self esteem and I also looked back on my personal experience.  I came to a conclusion…

I thought back to my life several years ago, when I was involved in what I believed to be the "worst marriage ever".  My self esteem was at an all-time low, suicidal thoughts were common and at times I really wondered how the world had turned out to be such a horrible place.

When I made the decision to finally leave, it’s not because my self esteem had suddenly improved – that happened later – it was because something inside of me finally realised that this wasn’t right and I needed to get out to protect my daughter.

Later, after I had left my marriage and realised that the sky didn’t fall in and that I was able to cope (I coped very well in fact!), was when I finally experienced a boost in my self esteem.  I had succeeded at something I had been too afriad to try, and that’s what gave my self esteem a huge boost!

So while you may not feel confident about doing something outside of your comfort zone, even taking baby steps towards doing it will gradually build your confidence.  You will reach a point where you will be able to undertake tasks even further outside of your comfort zone than you ever thought imaginable!

Is your weight weighing you down?

Many of my coaching clients suffer not only from low confidence or self esteem, but they also have weight problems. This might be a case of what came first, the chicken or the egg.

Are they lacking in confidence because they are overweight, or are they overweight because they lack confidence?

An alarmingly large percentage of people suffer from weight problems and it is certainly more than just about the food.

Why won’t she leave him??

Have you ever wondered why women suffering from verbal or physical abuse stay with their abusive partners?

I can’t speak for all women who put up with such treatment, but I can speak for myself.

If you’ve not read my previous posts, then you may not realise that I was verbally and emotionally abused for around 9 years by my former husband.

It wasn’t constant, but it was enough to push my self esteem so low that at times I wondered if I would be better off dead.

So why did I stay?

There were a number of reasons (and yes, if you’ve never been in a similar situation you may wonder about my intelligence here!) which I will cover now:

1. I felt I had nowhere to go (despite the fact that my parents lived nearby and would have been there for me no matter what).

2. I didn’t want to admit I had "failed" to myself or others.

3. Financial reasons – if I left, then there would be a huge financial mess to clean up.

4. I was afraid of the unknown – my self esteem was so low that I really wasn’t sure I would be up to surviving on my own (what the..?).

5. I didn’t think I would cope as a single mother.

There were plenty of other "excuses", but as you can see, the reasons above were either not justified or they were just plain lame.

Looking back I know these excuses were lame but at the time, they were very valid and a strong reason to stay.

Another thing our marriage counselor said to me was that because the abuse I suffered wasn’t physical, I felt I didn’t have a tangible reason to leave. I suppose if he had hit me (several times I tried to get him to!), I would’ve been out that door in an instant! (I hope!)

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