Relationships | Self Confidence 101

Should we stay together for the sake of our children?

June 21, 2011 By Michelle Green Leave a Comment

“Should we stay together for the sake of our children?” My answer to that is “It depends”.

You would not be asking this question if your relationship wasn’t in trouble, so whether you see it or not, your children are being affected by this. This should be your main concern.

So should you stay and try to work things out? Or should you leave and start a new life?

You also have a third option… you can choose to do nothing.

It’s the third option that I believe will cause the most harm to your children. What you are doing by choosing to do nothing, is teaching your children that it’s ok to be miserable. It’s ok to live in a loveless and/or abusive marriage. Life really does suck and it’s ok if you just put up with it and do nothing about it… yuk….

Do you really want your children believing that?? I didn’t think so…

So your only two options are to:

Stay and try to work things out – and this means actually doing something! It could be that you both go to counseling, or you could seek coaching, or you may even try some new techniques you learned in a book or online. Be honest with yourself though and note any progress (if any) made. Don’t kid yourself into believing that it’s working when it’s clearly not. Try something else if what you’re doing isn’t working. Are you starting to feel happier? If not, then you may need to try something else. Your kids will feel it when you’re not happy. Remember that…
Leave and start a new life – this is hard. I’ve done it twice, so can pretty much call myself an expert on the subject. The decision to leave must be made when you really do think the relationship has no hope. In my case, both times I knew I no longer loved my husband, and the second one I couldn’t trust either. Too much damage was done before I made my decision. Although I know that if I’d taken action sooner, then Option 1 would have been my preference. But by the time my decision was made, it was too late to save the relationship and I figured that my children were better off with two happy, separate parents than they were with two miserable, together parents. Never leave unless you’re absolutely sure it’s what you want to do. To keep changing your mind and to keep going back will only upset your children more.

No matter what you decide, you must go by how you truly and honestly feel inside. Are you happy or not? Are things improving or not?

No choice is going to be an easy one to follow through with, but choice #3 should not even be an option if you truly want your children to be happy.

No matter what your choice however, please, please, please put your safety and that of your children first!

You are all precious and deserve to be happy. xx

Filed Under: Relationships

How to understand men

June 20, 2011 By Michelle Green Leave a Comment

Want to know how to understand men? Well when you work it out, please let me know! :D

Let’s face it… men think differently to women and they always will, so trying to work them out is like the impossible dream.

How many times has he said or done something and you’ve been left trying to work out what he meant by his words or actions?

So he didn’t call you when he said he would, for example… If you’re like most women, you’re probably trying to come up with the various reasons why he didn’t call. Maybe he was in a car accident, or he lost his phone, or he had to wash his hair….???

I hate to tell you this girls, but trying to work out what your guy’s thinking and why, will only drive you CRAZY!!!

So how do you stop the craziness? How do you stop worrying about whether you’ve done something wrong? How do you get on with your life without obsessing over him?

Before I go any further, I just need to quickly mention that obsessing over him = doom! Stop doing it! It will come through in your vibe and you’ll only push him away!

Ok, so how do we stop this?

The first thing you need to do is get busy doing your own thing. No more waiting by the phone. No more thinking about him 24 hours a day. No more revolving your life around him.

It’s time to get your life on track doing what YOU want to do. If he wants to call you, then he will. If he doesn’t, then he won’t. Ok he may have a good excuse, but don’t think you’d feel a whole lot better if you didn’t spend your entire afternoon waiting by the phone to ring, and you did something fun instead?

Organise outings with girlfriends, book yourself in for a massage or manicure, indulge in one of your favourite hobbies, exercise – either alone or in a class….

The aim here is to NOT think about him and to focus ENTIRELY on you and your interests!

And even better, get passionate about your life! What really makes your heart sing? Focus on that! And if he calls when he says he will, then great! Be happy about that! But if he doesn’t, well that’s great too, because you were busy doing something you were passionate about and didn’t want to be interrupted! :)

Trust me… this change in your vibe is probably the very best thing you can do for your relationship with your guy and you will see quick results!

Filed Under: Relationships, Self Confidence

How to increase your degree of difficulty

May 30, 2011 By Michelle Green Leave a Comment

What does it mean to increase your degree of difficulty? Why would you want to do this?

Should you only do this if you’re single, if you’re dating, or if you’re in a relationship?

Increasing your degree of difficulty is about increasing your value in a man’s eyes and it doesn’t matter whether you’re in a relationship or not. Even if you’re married, you should still work to increase your degree of difficulty if it’s not up there already.

Have you ever been in a situation when you really like a guy to the point that you’re almost obsessing about him? You think about him day and night, you keep your phone close in case he calls. You don’t make plans with your girlfriends because you want to make sure you’re free if he calls to ask you out…

And then he doesn’t call…. And you feel deflated, miserable, upset, you hate yourself for hoping he would call, you beat yourself up, you wonder what you said/did wrong….

The list goes on and on, and you are definitely not alone if you’ve ever been in this situation.

But there is a way to get out of it, and that’s where increasing your degree of difficulty comes in!

One thing you need to know is that if you always drop everything the second he calls, then he’ll see you as “easy”. He won’t need to make much of an effort to catch your attention, so he won’t. He’ll just do what is absolutely necessary – he won’t make any extra effort because he knows he doesn’t need to.

But if you’re in the habit of keeping yourself busy with your own life, not focusing on him at all unless he calls, then you’re definitely going to be perceived as more valuable in his eyes.

Now one thing you must understand is that increasing your degree of difficulty is somewhat different to the term “playing hard to get” too. Playing hard to get is more like game playing. Pretending you’re busy when you’re not. This will not work – well… not in the long term anyway.

For example, if a guy you’re seeing calls and asks you to go on a date, to say you’re busy when you’re not (because you don’t want him to think you’re too easy) is more like playing hard to get.

You’re not being authentic. You’re playing games. Saying you’re busy when you’re not – that’s lying.

But what if you did actually have other plans? What if you had another date, or plans to take your children out for the day, or you’d booked in to have a day of pampering? What if he knew that your life really did not revolve around him?

One thing he will realise is that your life doesn’t revolve around him, and that you are the type of woman who takes care of herself. That’s got to be a good thing, right?

If he’s a guy worth having (this may take a bit of time, so give him a chance if you think he’s worth it), then you’ll begin to notice that he’s stepping up more. He’s calling you earlier in the week to book you in for a date, he’s paying you more attention, and you’re noticing that he really does treat you as though you’re more valuable to him.

What’s great about increasing your degree of difficulty is that you’re no longer 100% focused on him and wondering if he’s going to call. Instead, you’re so busy with your own life that you don’t think about him as often as you used to. This will do WONDERS for your self confidence! And what’s even better, is that all of his extra efforts feel good too!

Ok, so how exactly do you increase your degree of difficulty? The following ideas will help to get you started:

Book in time to do the things you love to do.
Pamper yourself more often – you’re sooo worth it! :)
Date and flirt with other men (if you’re single) or just flirt (if you’re not single!).
Plan to do things with your girlfriends.
Always have a “Plan B” for if your date cancels – even if it’s a date with yourself, painting your toenails! The point here is to always have something else to do (that doesn’t involve sitting at home wondering why he didn’t call!) if your date is off.

The list above is a teeny snapshot of the number of things you can do to increase your degree of difficulty.

If you’re not pining over this guy, your life is truly full and you’re happy and you love yourself, then he’s definitely going to notice. He will also know that you have other options when he’s not around. He will know that your happiness does not depend on him too.

So if you were planning on curling up in a corner, curled up in the fetal position, wondering why on earth he didn’t call you when he said he would, think again. That will only push him away – the negative energy you’re putting out here will make him run a mile! The process of increasing your degree of difficulty is the only way to show him your value and to inspire him to step up.

Good luck! :)

Filed Under: Relationships, Self Confidence

Happy Mothers Day!

May 8, 2011 By Michelle Green Leave a Comment

Happy mothers day to all of you mothers out there (I’m not sure if Australia’s the only country celebrating this today, but happy mothers day anyway!)! A little over 13 years ago I became a mother myself for the first time, and I distinctly remember feeling an amazing sense of unconditional love, for the first time in my entire life.

It was unlike anything I had ever experienced it all, and was so intense that I worried that when my second beautiful angel was born, that I wouldn’t love her as much.

But the moment I laid eyes on her, I experienced that same intense love all over again.

Even though I’ve had my challenges over the years, and although I have a lot of my focus on my career, business and relationships, being a mother to me has been (and probably always will be) the most important aspect of my life. My children come first above all else. But I still make time for me!

Being a mother is hard work, and it’s important you have time for yourself sometimes. We often get caught up in all of the other aspects of our life, and forget that we need looking after too.

So if you’re on a mission to lose some weight for example, but you rarely have time to exercise, then today is the day that you schedule half an hour, three times a week to exercise – just as you would an appointment at the doctor. If you made that appointment you’d show up right? So treat your exercise regime the same way. Book it in!

If your relationship with your significant other needs some work, book him in for a “date”. Spend some time alone together. Once you have children, this aspect of relationships often stops happening and things get dull. Spice things up a little!

If there’s something you’ve always wanted to do, such as attend a Zumba class, hike up a local mountain, write your first novel or even jump out of a plane, choose today as the day in which you start planning this activity. Set a date, find out the costs, work out how you’ll pay for it (if needed) or what you’ll need to get started. And START!

If you’ve been wanting to return to work, change your career, or improve your skills, start looking at the job ads, update your resume, look into courses, see if your employer will pay for some additional study for you.

Choose today as the day in which you make at least one small improvement to your life! That’s the first step towards living a life worth living! :)

Filed Under: Career and Business, Domestic Violence, Relationships, Self Confidence, Setting Goals, Tools, Weight Loss

How to stop accepting crumbs

April 25, 2011 By Michelle Green Leave a Comment

Oooo boy! I’ve learned a LOT about this over the last year, and I have to say that it’s been a tough but valuable lesson!

I am the type of person who hates conflict. I want to make everyone happy and am probably a little too laid back when it comes to how others treat me. Well, that’s how it’s been the last 12 months or so anyway. But I’ve made some huge personal changes and things are suddenly looking a LOT rosier!

Whether you’re in a relationship or single and dating, our interactions with men (I’m talking to the women of the world here) say a lot about the type of treatment we should expect to receive.

For example, if you’re always available when he contacts you, will do whatever he asks when he asks, and you tolerate what you would normally consider “bad” behaviour, then you’re giving the message that you will not only continue to tolerate his bad behaviour, but you’ll continue to reward him for it too!

You’re accepting crumbs, and he knows it. Don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t make him out to be the “bad guy”. It’s just how things work out when we continue to put others’ needs before our own.

So how do you turn this around?

Here’s where I learned my biggest lesson this year. You MUST first increase your “degree of difficulty”. This doesn’t mean that you have to all of a sudden become high maintenance. What it does mean is that you need to take your focus right off him and onto yourself and get busy doing other stuff!

Your life is what you make it. So get out there girl and have some fun! If you’re single, consider dating other men. There’s no written (or unwritten) rule that says you’re only allowed to date one guy at a time. Until you’re in a committed relationship, then why would you want to restrict yourself to just one guy who may or may not be for you?

If you’re in a relationship (or even if you’re not), spend more time with your girlfriends. Pamper yourself on occasion, reward yourself for being you! Start taking care of your own needs. Take a dance class, join a gym, go to a Zumba class, take a relaxing walk. There are so many things you can do.
Stop dropping everything the second he calls. If you have other plans, tell him so. Ask for more notice next time.
Communicate your needs to him. If he’s not delivering, then there’s a chance he’s just clueless! But be careful not to sound “blamey”. Use “I” instead of “You” when telling him what you want and don’t want. Make it all about you.

Realise that you deserve the very best that life has to offer and until you put your foot down about what you will accept and what you won’t, then the crumbs will continue to come. You don’t deserve that, and your man (if you have one) will certainly begin to look at you a little differently when you take control of your own needs first! :)

Filed Under: Relationships, Self Confidence

How to deal with negative thoughts

April 13, 2011 By Michelle Green 1 Comment

Sometimes, when you’re dealing with the pain of a relationship breakup, dealing with loss, or even suffering from a cigarette craving, there are some techniques you can apply to reduce or stop your negative thought patterns around these areas.

I found the article below and thought I’d share it with you, because I personally think this is a wonderful tool to help you to get those negative thoughts under control!

http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/heal-your-heart/a-great-tool-from-rosa-the-stop-sign/

Filed Under: Relationships, Tools

Moving on after separation or divorce

February 20, 2011 By Michelle Green Leave a Comment

After my marriage ended last year, I of course found myself single and wondering if I’d ever get it “right” where my choice of partner is concerned.

Now don’t get me wrong – I don’t regret marrying either of my two (!) ex husbands because both marriages taught me a LOT, I have grown from those lessons, and of course I have my two beautiful daughters that would not be here today if I had not married their fathers.

Now that’s not to say that I wish I’d done things differently in my life, but hindsight gets you nowhere unless you learn from it. There really is no point dwelling on the past.

So I knew I had to move forward, and that’s when I found myself involved with a guy who was quite different to anybody I’d ever met…. and it was probably one of the most stressful situations I’ve experienced in a LONG time!

I just couldn’t read him! For the first time ever, I found myself feeling very uncertain about the future, where I stood with him, and where things were going with him. It was doing my head in, but for the life of me I couldn’t walk away from him either.

I know I’m carrying a bit of baggage from both of my marriages – you’d have to be a pretty amazing person to be able to completely disregard any of the garbage you endured with your previous partners – and this guy has really helped me to see that – and other things that I’m doing and have always done in the past.

It seems that my “need” to control things is a big turnoff for the masculine types of guys I like. Trying to control a situation, trying to manipulate him (yep I did it unconsciously, but I was definitely doing it) to get your way, and not being able to just “be”, was what was causing a lot of my frustration.

So here’s what I’m doing now. It’s not always easy and sometimes I’ve got to give myself a bit of a lecture, but I am getting there:

I’m learning to relax and go with the flow more. I don’t HAVE to control everything. I don’t have to plan each and every event to the finest detail, and I’m letting him plan things and just going along with it most of the time, and I’m actually liking it!
I’m no longer focused on wondering where our “relationship” is going. I’m trying to focus more on enjoying the moment, and I find I am much more relaxed about things when I do that.
I find time for me. I do stuff for myself more. I meet girlfriends for lunch, I go out with friends on a Friday or Saturday night, I get myself a pedicure… I look after me first.
I KNOW I am a desirable person and I KNOW that any man should feel grateful to have a girl like me. The more I believe this, the more attractive I seem to be to my man! ;)
I don’t deny my feelings or push them down anymore. If I’m feeling upset about something I tell him – in a non-accusing way. If I’m upset, then that’s my stuff. He can’t MAKE me upset, only I can let myself become upset. But if I can explain that I am upset about something in a non-accusing way, he won’t feel the need to defend himself and is more likely to want to comfort me.

This post could go on forever, but these are just a few of the little things I’m starting to do to improve my relationship and so far it’s working! :)

So improving your relationship could just be as simple as deciding to “let go” a little and let your guy take over. Give it a go and see what happens!

Filed Under: Relationships

Dealing with abuse

December 14, 2010 By Michelle Green Leave a Comment

crystalflower 150x150 Dealing with abuse

I know I’ve been kind of slack lately and I’ve not posted much, but after what I saw today, I knew I had to do something that would possibly help just one more person in this world…

I’ve just returned from an amazing trip to Los Angeles (more on that in a later post), and decided to take a day off to recoup and finish some Christmas shopping.

As I walked through the shopping centre, I overheard a man yelling at his wife. I couldn’t hear exactly what he was saying, although the regular “F” words were strong and clear.

His poor wife looked miserable and like she wanted to sink into the floor. My heart went out to her.

This was an older couple and I guessed that they had been together for many years. So this poor woman had probably put up with her husband’s verbal abuse all of this time.

I received an email from a woman in a similar situation last week and I told her this:

You have three choices about what to do here:

1. If you want to stay with your husband, then get help. Go to marriage counseling (you can go alone if he won’t go with you) to help you to cope with and deal with the way in which he treats you.

You’ve probably done nothing about it for years, so have actually given him the message that his treatment of you is ok.

A counselor will hopefully help you to realise that you do NOT deserve to be treated like this, and what you should do if he does it again. You will also be given tools to help you to help your partner to treat you better.

2. Another option is to leave him. If you’re thinking of doing this, you must make sure it is safe to do so. If he has the tendency to become violent then you need to be extra careful and may need to get the police involved.

If violence isn’t an issue, start preparations beforehand. Where will you stay? What will you do for money? Call on friends and family to support you – chances are, many of them don’t have a clue about the living hell you’re in right now and they’ll be more than willing to lend a hand.

3. Finally, you have the option to do nothing.

I want you to imagine yourself 20 years from now, and living in exactly the same situation you’re in now.

How does that feel?

If you do nothing, then nothing will change. He will continue to treat you badly, and by doing nothing, you are telling him it’s ok to keep doing what he’s doing.

Do you really want that for yourself?? Do you really want to spend the next 20, 30 or even 40 years like this??

I know I’d rather be dead than have to live like that…

The first thing you need to do right now is learn to love yourself. You are a beautiful, desirable person, regardless of what anybody says. You do not deserve to be yelled and screamed at, you don’t deserve to have somebody swear at you and in fact, nobody deserves that. Especially not you.

Once you learn to love yourself, you will fully understand the value in doing so. A person with high self esteem will not allow somebody to treat them badly and get away with it. They will stand up for themselves, they will get themselves out of a situation where they feel they’re not being treated right, and they will do what’s best for them.

The first step towards loving yourself is seeing all of the good qualities you have and appreciating them. Write them down so you have a written reminder about how wonderful you really are….

Filed Under: Domestic Violence, Relationships, Self Esteem

Domestic violence – What should you NOT do?

September 20, 2010 By Michelle Green Leave a Comment

I’ve been in a relationship where emotional and verbal abuse was on the menu, and for a long time there was something I was doing that was not helping anybody.

I was doing NOTHING.

I have had both a friend and family member confide in me about similar situations they are in, and as a coach I will not tell them to leave their husbands, nor will I tell them to stay.

But I what I did do was point out their two choices:

1. To stay

2. To leave

I also suggested to both of them that if they choose to stay, they must not assume that things will get better if they continue to do nothing!

What I mean by this, is that if they do nothing, then nothing will change. They will remain in the same situation for as long as they allow it to continue.

Counseling might be what’s needed (even if she goes on her own!), or it might be that he needs to be given an ultimatum (that she is prepared to follow through with) to make him realise just how miserable he is making her by treating her that way.

Only she can decide what is the best action to take, assuming her safety is first and foremost in her mind too – verbally abusive men have been known to move onto physical abuse, so it’s important that safety is a main factor here.

Doing nothing means she will look back in 5 or 10 years time (or even longer!), will have no feelings at all left for the man who has emotionally beaten her down over all those years, and regret that she wasted so much of her life on somebody who wasn’t treating her right.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling miserable? Do you really want to give up your best years for somebody who doesn’t want you to be the happiest you can be?

Could it be that your husband/boyfriend/partner is feeling so bad about himself right now that he is clueless about how to treat you and make you happy? Many of these men do want you to be happy. They do want to be happy themselves, but they just don’t know how.

By taking some action, you’re giving him the chance to become a better person, you’re giving him a chance to have you around for life. If you do nothing, you are not giving him any chance, because one day you’re going to wake up and realise that you can do better and that you deserve so much better than you’re getting…

By putting up with my ex husband’s treatment over all of those years, I was giving him “permission” to keep treating me that way. I know he loved me and I loved him. But because I did nothing about his treatment, I lost my love for him and he lost me.

You deserve to be treated well and you deserve to be happy. But if you’re in a similar situation, then you’ve got to change it first if you want things to be this way.

Filed Under: Domestic Violence, Relationships, Self Confidence, Self Esteem

What to do if a loved one is involved in a toxic relationship

July 10, 2010 By Michelle Green Leave a Comment

What to do if a loved one is involved in a toxic relationship

There is nothing as difficult as watching somebody you love literally throw their life away over somebody who is no good for them.

Their partner might treat them badly, is possibly controlling, and may be manipulating your loved one in such a way that they’re pulling away from you so that you hardly see them or speak to them anymore.

You can see how damaging this person is to their life, you can see them for what they are, but your loved one doesn’t see it the same way. In many cases they will defend their toxic partner, and even distance themself from you even further.

This whole situation can be made even worse if you’re a grandparent with a son or daughter who has stopped letting you see your grandchildren.

Situations like this can be heartbreaking. Your frustration is justified as you can see what your loved one is doing, but they just don’t see it.

Your first reaction is to confront them and try to convince them that what they’re doing is wrong – that their partner is bad news, and that they should get away from their partner quick.

Unfortunatly, this seldom works. In fact, what happens is that the first thing your loved one will do is defend theirs and their partner’s actions. And they’ll probably end up distancing themself from you even more.

So how do you deal with situations such as this?

Unless your loved one’s toxic partner is physically hurting your loved one, unfortunately there is very little you can do. You can’t convince somebody who doesn’t want to be convinced, and you can’t “force” them to do what you know to be right.

But there are some things you can do:

Let your loved one know that you love them and that you will be there for them if and when they ever need you.

Stop judging them – or their partner (no matter how bad he/she is, your loved one loves them).

There is nothing wrong with maintaining regular contact – even if it’s just to send them a birthday or Christmas card with a little note to tell them you love them.

If you must say anything at all about the subject, let your loved one know that you are concerned about their relationship with their toxic partner, but also suggest that you understand it is their decision and you will support and be there for them, no matter what.

Whenever you’re communicating with them, mention old times or occasions where you were all happy and things were great – this will remind them of better times, without you focusing on the negatives of now.

As you can see, the ideas listed above really suggest to your loved one that you love them and will be there for them. The reason why this is important, is because when they eventually wake up and decide to walk away from their relationship, it will be so much easier for them if they know they have your support.

To try to talk them into leaving their partner and constantly criticise them or their partner will only make things more difficult for your loved one. They may even choose to stay with their partner out of spite or out of sheer pride – they won’t want to admit they made a mistake.

Having found myself with a toxic partner and staying with him for 9 very long years, I know how I would have reacted if somebody had told me I should leave him. I would have stayed – just to prove them wrong! I hate to admit I’ve made a mistake – especially one that’s so big – so to have people around me telling me to get out would have been something I ignored. I would have gone so far as to distance myself from them too – just so I didn’t have to listen to their nagging!

When I did eventually end my relationship, it was because I knew I had family around me who would love and support me no matter what. It’s those people I needed most when I finally walked away from my now ex husband, and they really were there for me. Phew!

There is nothing as difficult as watching somebody you love literally throw their life away over somebody who is no good for them.

This whole situation can be made even worse if you’re a grandparent with a son or daughter who has stopped letting you see your grandchildren.

Situations like this can be heartbreaking. Your frustration is justified as you can see what your loved one is doing, but they just don’t see it.

Your first reaction is to confront them and try to convince them that what they’re doing is wrong – that their partner is bad news, and that they should get away from their partner quick.

So how do you deal with situations such as this?

Unless your loved one’s toxic partner is physically hurting your loved one (if they are, then you can report it to the police or other governing bodies around physical abuse), unfortunately there is very little you can do. You can’t convince somebody who doesn’t want to be convinced, and you can’t “force” them to do what you know to be right.

But there are some things you can do:

Let your loved one know that you love them and that you will be there for them if and when they ever need you.
Stop judging them – or their partner (no matter how bad he/she is, your loved one loves them).
There is nothing wrong with maintaining regular contact – even if it’s just to send them a birthday or Christmas card with a little note to tell them you love them.
If you must say anything at all about the subject, let your loved one know that you are concerned about their relationship with their toxic partner, but also suggest that you understand it is their decision and you will support and be there for them, no matter what.
Whenever you’re communicating with them, mention old times or occasions where you were all happy and things were great – this will remind them of better times, without you focusing on the negatives of now.

I hate to admit I’ve made a mistake – especially one that’s so big – so to have people around me telling me to get out would have been something I ignored. I would have gone so far as to distance myself from them too – just so I didn’t have to listen to their nagging!

Filed Under: Relationships

Should we stay together for the sake of our children?

How to understand men

How to increase your degree of difficulty

Happy Mothers Day!

How to stop accepting crumbs

How to deal with negative thoughts

Moving on after separation or divorce

Dealing with abuse

Domestic violence – What should you NOT do?

What to do if a loved one is involved in a toxic relationship

Free ebook – Boost your confidence today!

Recent Posts

Recommended Books

Useful Links

Categories

Polls

Your Name:
Your Email: