Here’s a situation you might relate to:

Lisa is a beautiful, outgoing girl who is dating a guy who treats her like he worships the ground she walks on while they’re on a date. But then he doesn’t call her for days, sometimes she waits over a week for a call!

Lisa is obviously wondering what’s going on with him and is starting to feel quite angry at the lack of contact between dates.

But is what he’s doing actually wrong?

This last year I’ve learned more about relationships than any other time in my life, and one of the main lessons I’ve learned is this:

1. A guy will do what he wants to do.
2. It is up to me if I want to have that in my life.
3. I can choose to walk away from what I don’t like.

I’m not saying that a guy should be allowed to walk all over you, and I definitely do not agree with stuffing your feelings about something that’s bothering you either.

So how can you handle these quirks some guys have and be true to yourself as well, all without making him wrong?

There are some things you might want to try:

1. Decide if his actions are dealbreakers for you. For example, if I were to meet a guy and later found he was taking illegal drugs, I’d walk away and never walk back – that’s a dealbreaker for me. But if I’m with a guy who doesn’t pick up his socks, that’s not such an issue for me – it annoys me but it’s not a dealbreaker.
2. If it’s not a dealbreaker, learn to accept his quirks by creating a fulfilling life for yourself without relying or focusing on him. If he wants to call, he’ll call. If he wants to pick up his socks, he will. Otherwise you’re so busy with your life you will hardly notice he’s not called.
3. If it is a dealbreaker (or even if not), talk to him about it. Don’t make accusations and make him wrong. Just tell him (assuming you have issues with his lack of contact as an example) that it feels good to receive contact several times a week from a guy because it makes you feel wanted and cared for, and what does he think.
4. If you see no change and it’s a dealbreaker, then it’s time to put yourself first, so you know what to do. You deserve to be treated well and to be with somebody who is worth of you!
5. Don’t take his words/actions/lack of action personally – it’s all about him and not you.

My guy has a tendancy to be a little…err…moody. At first it used to bother me – a lot! I would often wonder if he was upset or angry at me. I would then obsess about it, trying to work out what I’d done. I would ask him if I’d done something wrong and I would think he was lying when he said no. I would then start to feel angry at him for being moody. He would then get mad at me for being so emotional. And then I would cry…. and my spiral downward would continue.

Phew! What a mess huh?

These days things are VERY different. If he’s moody, it doesn’t matter why. I might ask him if I’ve done something to bother him, and if he says no (which is always the case), I believe him and I drop it and get on with my day. If he wants to talk he’ll talk. If not, then I will move my focus on to me and leave him to his “stuff”. If I don’t want to be around a moody person, I’ll make plans to do something that doesn’t involve him.

Lisa therefore could talk to her man and say something like “I really feel good when I hear from a guy more than once a week – I feel wanted and cared for when that happens. What do you think?”.

Lisa should then drop it unless he brings it up.

It’s now up to her man to either keep doing what he’s always done, or change his actions.

In the meantime, Lisa should focus on herself and get herself busy – so busy that she’ll hardly even notice if he doesn’t call.

And that’s the key.

If you’re in a relationship the same concept applies and keeping the focus on you is what you need to do, no matter what. His stuff is about him, not you, so why waste all of that energy making him out to be wrong, when he’s just doing what he does?

It’s our choice if we want to stay and tolerate it or walk away, so nobody’s “wrong” really – unless you choose to tolerate a situation you hate. How can that be right for you?

Haha I’ve really rambled on today, but I hope I’ve gotten my message across – learn to look at his actions differently and you will turn your relationship – and your life – around!

If you’re being physically abused or there is serious emotional trauma going on, then this is not something I can help you with – you MUST get help from somebody who is trained to work with people in your situation. If you have children, then please get help for their sakes, if not for yours.

Ok, so if your marriage isn’t as bad as that, but you’re feeling miserable and unhappy and you just can’t communicate with your husband because every time you do, you end up fighting, then today you will be equipped with a new set of ideas which I know will help.

I’ve learned the hard way that many men are REALLY difficult to communicate with! And they’re even worse if the communication is in relation to something bad! So how can you get your husband to come to you and open up? How can you draw him closer?

Here’s a scenario of a woman I know who is having trouble in her marriage:

Lisa is a married mother of two children. She and her husband are very successful (See? It can happen to anyone!) and both work full time. Her husband speaks to her rudely, puts her down, and sometimes he verbally abuses her (sounds exactly like my first marriage!).

She is miserable. She thought that a happy marriage was all about loving each other, spending happy times together, and proudly watching their kids grow up. This is not what she’s experiencing right now!

Lisa is afraid to leave her husband because of the effect it will have on her children, plus she loves her husband and constantly thinks back to the times when things were wonderful between them. Even now, she sees glimpses of those times, although they’re brief. So she hangs onto these times, but he unfortunately reverts back to his insulting and upsetting ways before long.

Does this scenario sound familar? It does to me!

So what should Lisa do?

The very first thing Lisa should do is to understand that staying in an unhappy marriage (and not doing anything about it) for the sake of her children will actually cause more harm than good. Kids can sense when something’s wrong, even if they don’t witness it personally. They know when you’re not happy. It is not healthy for a child to be in this type of environment.

Now, I’m not suggesting Lisa should eave her husband (unless this is what she wants). In fact, if she chooses to stay, there are some things she can try which may actually turn her marriage around. These steps aren’t guaranteed, but they may at least turn her marriage onto the right track. So here goes:

1. Get help from a trained counselor – chances are Lisa’s self esteem is down in a pit somewhere, out of sight. It’s important that she begins to work on healing herself. Years of being treated this way are bound to have a negative effect, no matter how strong you are! It’s perfectly ok for her to tell her husband where she is going (if he asks) and she can invite him too – but if he doesn’t want to go, she should not push him.
2. Book in for a total pampering – It’s time Lisa did something for HER. She could get her nails done, choose a new hairstyle, get waxed, tweezered and massaged, buy a new outfit. Just spend a few hours doing stuff to make her feel good. I don’t know about you, but if I know I look good, I feel good too!
3. Lisa will need to ensure that she has some time every week which is just for her, where she can visit friends, enjoy a hobby, or just relax with a good book. If she’s short on friends or ideas, then I suggest that she join a Meetup group or something similar, so she can catch up with like-minded people. If her husband won’t babysit, then she should find somebody else who can have the kids for a few hours. If she has friends with kids, then maybe they can help each other out?  It’s time to get creative here – nothing is impossible, right?
4. Lisa has two children, so it’s important that she keeps a good part of her focus on them as well. So on weekends (or if she didn’t work, during the day/after school), she could schedule fun outings for her and the kids. She should invite her husband to join them if he wishes, but again let it go if he refuses.
5. This one’s important… Lisa will have to stop talking to her husband about their marriage. It seems silly to not talk to him about their marriage when it is failing, but bringing it up is actually causing more harm than good. So for now, stop talking about it.

And finally, I suggest that Lisa purchases Have the Relationship You Want by Rori Raye.

This ebook has completely transformed my life and my relationship with my man – and it’s helped me to see exactly what was wrong in my past relationships too. It took me some time to totally get what I was doing “wrong” and I still slip up now, but if it weren’t for this ebook, I’m not sure where I’d be now.

It will take you through the ways in which you communicate with your man, and how to turn things around so he’s not automatically jumping to defend himself or attack you.

So the steps above (and the ebook too) are all about putting your focus on to you and doing what makes you happy.

Don’t you hate it when people say “You don’t need a man to be happy”?? I do too! But there is some truth in this. You must be happy in yourself and live a happy and fulfilling life, if you ever want to inspire a man to reach out to you.

And this is what may happen with Lisa and her husband. He will begin to sense that Lisa’s focus is no longer on him, and he may begin to feel curious about what’s going on. He will also notice that now that she’s looking after herself and meeting her own needs, she seems happier and more confident.

This will very likely make Lisa’s husband uneasy. He will sense that he’s losing her, that there’s something else going on. And he will very likely grumble and carry on about it. But after reading Rori’s book, she will know exactly how to respond to his grumbles, in a positive and non-threatening way.

He may then begin to realise that if he doesn’t step up soon, he’s going to lose her – and most guys don’t want their marriage to end, but they’ve not been inspired enough to “fix” things. So now he has the chance to do just that!

So… what do you all think? If you’ve tried to do some (or all) of these steps, have they worked for you?

The problem is, as a woman, I’m usually inclined to worry about this – a LOT! And I start telling myself stories, and trying to get into his head, wondering what I have done wrong, or maybe the relationship is over, or or or…!

This kind of thinking can drive you batty! I know this because I’ve done it – a million times!

So if your guy is withdrawing, what can you do?

Well, the first thing is to STOP thinking about him! You can ask him what’s wrong, and if he tells you it’s nothing, or it’s nothing to do with you, then it’s time to take your mind off him and go do something else.

If it is you that’s bothering him, then that’s something else. But for today we’re going to assume that you have done nothing wrong and he’s withdrawing for some unknown reason of his that has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Ok, so first you need to understand that most men process their thoughts differently to us women. We tend to want to talk it out with each other, or withour partners. But men are totally different. They tend to internalise their thoughts before they’re prepared to talk things through. I’m not sure this is healthy, but my experience shows that this is how most work through their problems.

Right. So we have that clear. Now what?

I’m going to list below a few of the gazillion things you can do if you sense your man is withdrawing. You can choose to do one of these things, or all of them if you’re that way inclined! But the point here is to take your focus right off him and on to YOU!

Ok here goes:

• Pick up a good book, and read! Get lost in the story! Escape reality for a while!
• Paint your nails
• Do your hair in a fancy style – just for the sake of it
• Arrange to catch up with friends you’ve not seen in a while
• Become a member of www.meetup.com and join some groups which match your interests – this is a great way to meet like-minded people! And it’s good if you’re like me and have not had the chance to make new friends where you live.
• Go to the movies
• Go to lunch/dinner with friends
• If you’re into meditation, get yourself comfortable, and meditate!
• Get involved in a hobby
• Exercise
• Dance around your house while you listen to loud music
• Take up a team sport
• Go rollerblading
• Do anything that’s FUN!

I’ve been big on lists the last couple of days, and you may notice a double-up. But my point here is to really take your focus off your man and put it back where it belongs – on to you! Life is short, and definitely too short to be focused on something that most likely has absolutely nothing to do with you, so get out there and enjoy life!

What will happen is, when your man comes out of his “funk” he’ll come looking for you. And what he will find is not a stressed out shell of a woman, but a beautiful and vibrant example of a woman who embraces life and loves herself enough to forget about him and love herself!

This will bring him closer to you than ever before!

So let me give you an example…

My social circle isn’t so great, so I do kind of rely on him a bit for entertainment and company, and while this isn’t the ideal situation, it has worked for the most part – until recently!

Whenever he’s out doing his own thing (which he should do – it’s healthy to have our own lives too), I often find myself at a loose end. And if I’ve got nothing else to do, I find that I am thinking about him more than I really want to be thinking about him.

This is NOT good for my vibe, and I begin to feel tense and unhappy. And I know he’s sensing it, and it creates pressure and tension in the relationship. NOT good!

So until now I’ve had difficulty in moving my focus, which is why having a list is a great idea! This list will contain things you like to do! The list can include activities with other people, things you can do yourself, or a list of places you would like to go.

Here’s some examples of the types of things you can have on your list which will remove your focus off your man and boost your vibe to create lasting attraction:

1. Read a book
2. Clean out some clutter
3. Go for a walk/run/ride
4. Join a Meetup.com group and attend a social event
5. Give your dog a bath
6. If you have a hobby, go and do it
7. Meditate
8. Do some gardening
9. Paint your nails
10. Wash and style your hair – even if you’re staying home!
11. Volunteer for a charity
12. Go shopping – even window shopping!
13. Watch YouTube videos about a topic you’re interested in
14. Do some study (if you’re doing a course etc)
15. If you live close enough, go and sit by the ocean and breathe in the salt air
16. Go for a swim
17. Turn on some music, sing along at the top of you voice!
18. Call a friend you’ve not talked to in a while
19. Write in your Gratitude Journal
20. Create a Vision Board

This is a list of 20 out of a possible GAZILLION ideas to take your mind off your man!

Just last night I joined around 15 meetup groups and I intend to join more today. There are so many fun and exciting things you can do if you just look for ideas!

What will appear on your list? Do you care to share?

I’m speaking from a woman’s perspective here, but what I have learned over the years is that most men will do whatever they can get away with. So if you choose to let him treat you badly, then he’ll continue to do so.

My first marriage is the perfect example of that. The verbal abuse continued because I gave my husband absolutely no good reason to stop.

Setting boundaries is about what you will tolerate in your relationship and what you won’t tolerate. And sticking to your boundaries is essential!

What’s difficult for women in relationships is that they’re not prepared to walk away from bad behaviour. So while she’s saying to her man that she doesn’t like the way he’s treating her (OMG I can so relate!), she’s not prepared to walk away from it either. So he will continue to do what he can get away with doing.

So how do you set clear boundaries and most importantly, how do you stick to them?

At first it’s hard, because it all starts with learning to love yourself and acknowledging your self worth. If you know he’s lucky to have you, without any shadow of doubt, you’ll have a lot less trouble sticking to your boundaries.

So just last week I made the decision that there were some things in my relationship that I just wasn’t happy with. He was coming over to talk to me that night and I was mentally preparing for the end of our relationship.

I was ok with it ending because I knew that if he didn’t want to treat me how I wanted to be treated, then there were plenty of other men in this world who would love to! So I knew everything would be ok, despite the outcome.

Fast forward to that night where I clearly expressed how I was feeling and stating my boundaries and telling him what I don’t want in my life, and he totally turned things around.

In fact, he started doing things immediately to prove to me how much he was committed to me. And here I was expecting that we were over!

We do still have a way to go, and setting boundaries is an ongoing process, but for now I feel good that I have stood up for what I believe in and will not accept less than I am worthy of.

What is upsetting you in your relationship right now? What boundaries can you set and stick to, which will boost your happiness?

After two failed marriages, lots of dates and even more research on this topic, I have a pretty good understanding of the way relationship dynamics work, and I also understand just how wrong I was getting it for so many years! Who would’ve thought that my incessant need to plan and organise was part of the problem in my past relationships??? I certainly didn’t!

But the key is awareness. I am now aware what a man likes and doesn’t like and I also know that by making a few key internal changes, I can completely transform my relationships for the better! And I’ve done just that with my man!

Now, I’m going to use me as a prime example of what not to do…

But first I want to discuss masculine and feminine energy. In any happy and healthy relationship there’s got to be a balance of masculine and feminine energy.

Without this balance, you have constant conflict, feelings of dissatisfaction, and a whole host of problems in your relationship.

In a relationship, one person must be in feminine while the other is in masculine energy. It doesn’t matter which one, as long as you’re not the same. But women (just like men) need to be feminine at least some of the time, otherwise she feels dissatisfied.

The masculine person is the one who organises and plans, they are the givers, they look after everybody else, they control the finances, and the list goes on.

The feminine person just “is”. They let the masculine partner lead, they receive from the maculine partner and they are the softer, “receiving” person in the relationship, just going along with the flow in some ways.

My ideal man is very masculine, so I need to be careful not to switch into masculine energy, which has been my problem in the past. In the past I controlled the finances, I made all of the plans, I made sure things were organised, I would be the one to hook the DVD player to the TV, I was in control!

And I was VERY unhappy.

In my first marriage to a very masculine man, we clashed. And because he suffered from low self esteem, he would attack as his way of bringining me back down so he could feel better about himself. And I attacked back. Because I was also masculine in many ways.

In my second marriage, again I was in the masculine energy and again I was the one who controlled everything. My husband (bless him – he’s such a lovely man!) was more feminine in his energy. So while we were in opposite energy types, I wasn’t happy because I so desperately needed to be the girl and have my man look after things for once. So many times I tried to hand over the budgeting to him, but he refused, saying I was the brains of the family.

He and I are still great friends, and I hope we continue to stay that way. But I cannot be married to him because I need a masculine energy man.

Ok. So that brings me to now!

My current relationship wasn’t always a bed of roses, but for the most part it’s pretty good now. And it took a LOT of work on my part!

In the beginning, I was still struggling to let go of my masculine energy. My man would constantly point out how I was trying to control and manipulate him with my words and actions and he was so right!

Even now he sometimes says “Why do you have to plan absolutely everything down to the last detail??”. It annoys him that I feel this need to do this, so letting go of it has been difficult for me and sometimes I slip back into that masculine energy but usually pull myself out of it before it becomes an issue.

He and I had been on a roller coaster for a very long time. I often attacked him for things I “thought” he was doing (or thinking!), and I really struggled to give up control, constantly trying to get him to specifically tell me the status of our relationship. Of course he resisted (any man would!), and of course I would get upset by it.

Often would disappear into his “man cave” for a day or so just to get away from my intense energy! I’m surprised he even stuck around, because I really did make our lives hell for a very long time.

He was no angel either (it always takes two), but I can certainly see where my feelings and actions played a big part in how we were going.

So… how did I turn this around?

Here’s some of what I did – and these are some things you can apply in your relationship to see if it makes a difference:

• I stopped trying to control EVERYTHING
• I stopped worrying about our relationship and where it was going
• I stopped nagging him about the status of our relationship
• I stopped thinking about him constantly
• I learned to receive from him without feeling guilty (this was big for me. I had never been with such a generous man before, and probably felt a little “unworthy” of my man’s gifts. But as a masculine man, it makes him feel good when he gives)
• I made the decision to trust him 100% and stop worrying that he may hurt me
• I stopped trying to “trap” him by locking him in my “cage” and locking the door – he has his life and I have mine – he needed to be free to do that without upsetting me
• I finally believed that I am the prize and he is lucky to have me, and that if he didn’t want to be with me, then there were plenty around who did!
• I let him re-do my budget. This was VERY difficult for me because I’d always done my own budget because I was with men who were terrible with money and I constantly lived without while my men got what they want. My man did a great job I am pleased to say, and my finances are looking better and better every day!

So can you see here that I’ve not only let him take over some of the masculine tasks that I used to do, but I’ve also learned to let go, enjoy the moment and trust that he’s going to do what’s best for both of us.

I know this is a very vulnerable place to be in an emotional sense, but if I can’t open my heart to this man, what’s the point in having a future with him??

But of course we know that’s not the reality, and relationships can be downright confusing!

I don’t know of any relationship that is perfect – they all come with thier own challenges, but it’s how you handle these challenges that will make for a great relationship!

So today’s challenge is about dealing with a man who is withdrawing.

It doesn’t matter who you are or where you live, your man will probably withdraw at times during your relationship. Sometimes it’s more obvious than others, but it does happen to some extent.

Men can withdraw for the following reasons:

• They’re stressed about work
• They have things on their mind that may or may not have anything to do with you
• They’re tired
• They’re feeling uncertain about your relationship
• They just need some “man” time, alone

This is not an exhaustive list of why your man may be withdrawing, but it gives you a pretty clear indication that most of the time, they’re withdrawing for reasons that have absolutely NOTHING to do with you!

So that’s the good news!

The bad news is that many women respond quite badly to this – I’m speaking for myself too here!

I’ve been so worked up about why my man is withdrawing that I spend my day obsessing about what can be wrong! Why hasn’t he called me, why did he act kind of distant, why didn’t he say much, why does he not want to see me tonight?????

These and many other questions have gone through my mind at some point, and to be honest, this stuff is draining! And not only is it draining on you, but it’s also draining on him!

He may not be there in the room with you, but I’ll bet he can “feel” the negative vibe you’re putting out there! And this is not good, because it could make things worse.

But if you’re able to deal with his withdrawals in a calm and positive way, things will return to normal a lot sooner, and you may find that he seems to be moving closer to you.

So…. what do you do if your man is withdrawing?

Here’s some of the things I have learned from a relationship coach, as well as some things I’ve tried (that worked!) with my guy:

• Realise that he may withdrawing for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you – and in fact, this is most likely the case. Remember this point in particular – I think this one is our downfall in most cases!
• Let him have his space – we all need it sometimes.
• Don’t call him/text him/phone him, unless absolutely necessary, and NO making up excuses to contact him either!
• Wait for him to contact you – and when he does, be open and inviting. There is NO room for accusations here!
• Feel free, once he has contacted you, to tell him how it felt when he withdrew – remember, no accusations and just speak about how you felt. Eg. I feel so happy to hear from you! The last few days I’ve been feeling insecure/worried/upset because I didn’t hear from you. I hope everything is ok?
• Put your focus on to you! Do things you love to do and get your mind off him now! Maybe you could go out with friends, or you could pamper yourself, or maybe get involved in something you’re passionate about. Anything to get your thoughts OFF him!

I suppose the most important thing here is to get yourself to stop thinking about where he’s at, and concentrate on yourself during these times. Do something for YOU! Something that makes your heart sing! And this ties in to my earlier post about identifying your purpose in life. Work that out and you have something fabulous to focus on while your man is hiding in his “man cave”!

Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine. Her marriage had been on and off the rocks for some time, and like me, she had been verbally and emotionally abused by her husband for years.

She still loved him, although she was sick to death of being treated badly and of being yelled at. So after work she would delay going home by hanging out with a girlfriend for a couple of hours.

Unfortunately though, what this did was make things worse. Her husband would get upset with her for spending so much time away from home (and him). But my friend didn’t want to go home because of the way he treated her.

So can you see that there’s a vicious circle happening here? She doesn’t want to go home because of the way he’s treating her, and he treats her badly because he’s so angry at her for not coming home.

Now, this couple still have a VERY long way to go, but there are some things she can do to improve her situation.

But first she has to understand that she CANNOT change him or his behaviour. Only he can do that. She can only change herself and her behaviour, and this in turn will inspire him to change his.

So what this means is that she can’t “make” him treat her better, so she’s happy to go home sooner. But here’s what she can do…

The first thing she needs to do is make fixing her marriage her first priority. Unfortunately, by hanging out with friends instead of her husband, she’s “hiding” from the problems in her marriage. This is because the only reasoon she’s hanging out with friends so often is because she doesn’t want to be home with her husband.

If she doesn’t want to go home, then things are seriously wrong and they need to be worked out. Avoiding home is not how that’s done.

So the next step would be to start making the effort to spend more time at home with her husband.

This may create some immediate positive changes in him, but it may only be temporary – until he has another of his “outbursts”.

So this is where she needs to speak to him in a non-blaming way about it. She has already told him that she stays away because she doesn’t want to be with him, especially when he’s in a bad mood, so she might want to say something like: “I am spending more time at home to give this marriage a proper go, but I feel sad/upset/miserable when I am spoken to in that way”… or something along those lines (I’ll be providing some links to some great resources to help with the wording you could use, in the very near future).

So she’s not throwing accusations at him, but she IS telling him how his treatment of her makes her feel. She’s making this about herself – not him.

Now he may or may not react well to these words, but once you’ve said your piece, leave the room and do not bring it up again unless it happens again and he’s yelling at you.

This couple have been struggling for so many years, but from what she tells me and what I have observed, I KNOW he loves her, but he has a really crappy way of showing it.

She responds in a passive-agressive way, which of course makes the entire situation so much worse.

My friend really needs to put fixing her marriage as her first priority or it’s never going to happen – she will continue to live this way until she does something different.

But just like she can’t make her husband do something, I can’t make her. All I can do is let her know how I see things from my perspective, and hope that she listens…

It’s common when you’re feeling this way to begin an ongoing cycle of criticism of your man.  And he probably does the same thing too.

But you must remember one thing:  You cannot change a man – you can only make changes within yourself!

I cannot stress this enough!  Often what happens when things are bad is that you begin blaming him for everything that’s wrong with your relationship.  But I’m sad to say, that a relationship rarely goes sour thanks to just one of you – it usually takes two to send it down the tubes!  So while you can’t change him, you CAN change yourself, and you will be amazed at what a difference this can make to your relationship!

So what happens when a man feels criticised or unappreciated by his partner?  What does he do?

Look at this list and see if your man is doing any of these things:

• He stops communicating any appreciation for you
• He begins to fee like he has failed in life and in your relationship
• He loses his passion – for life and for you
• He will search out ways to express his frustrations – either directly or indirectly
• He will begin to avoid you and will find excuses to spend time away from you
• He will begin to shut you out – you will lose intimacy with him
• He will no longer be there for you like he used to be

Every time you criticise him, he begins to shut down – and shut you out, and sadly, unless you become aware that you’re doing this, you probably won’t notice it’s happening at first.

When you think about it, when you criticise a man, you’re expressing to him that you want him to change.  But men do NOT like being told what to do – especially not by a woman!  So the more you try to tell him what to do, the less likely you are to get the results you want!

So how can you create a happy relationship?  How can you turn things around so your partner wants to be with you, is passionate about his life, and loves to do things that make you happy?

There are three things a man needs to feel for this to happen:

1. Acknowledged
2. Appreciated
3. Admired

Let’s explore these in more detail…

When a man feels acknowledged for the good things he’s done, he knows that he’s doing something that’s worthwhile.  It could just be that he works extremely hard day after day, and you acknowledge the contribution he’s making to the household.

When a man feels appreciated, he knows that every effort he makes isn’t for nothing.  He knows you appreciate what he has done and feels good about himself for making you happy.  Believe it or not, men LOVE to make their women happy! And if you’re showing him appreciation for even just the smallest things, then he will know he’s on the right track!

Men love to be admired.  I suppose from a women’s perspective, that could look a bit like an ego thing, but either way, if your guy is extra smart or skilled at something, or if he’s recently achieved something, show him admiration.  Let him know that you think he’s great in an admiring way!

None of these ideas require him to actually make any changes.  This is all about you and how you communicate with him and consciously work on noticing the small positive things and acknowledging them.

So my suggestion to you is to begin trying these things (remember to be authentic and do not go over the top!), and watch for positive changes.  I am almost certain you will be very surprised at how quickly things can change for the better!  ;)

If you have somebody close who is involved in an abusive relationship, I know how helpless it can feel to have to sit back and watch the destruction happen before your eyes.

You can see clearly what’s happening, but your loved one seems oblivious to what’s obvious to everybody else. And she defends him!!!

I was recently contacted by one of my subscribers (Lily) who was concerned about her sister Amanda, (names have been changed to protect their identities) and her two children.

Amanda was engaged to a man who was unemployed and living off her. He often lied about where he was and what he was doing, he was verbally and emotionally abusing her and was doing what he could to distance her from her family. Lily and her family could see it clear as day. But no matter how hard they tried to get through to her, Amanda refused to listen to them. She began pulling away from and eventually stopped most contact with their family over the course of a few months.

Amanda’s children were also suffering through all of this because they were rarely allowed to see their grandmother and they missed her.

Through all of this, Lily and her family tried everything they could to talk Amanda into leaving her fiance, but it was no use. She defended him despite the fact that his shortcomings were there for all to see…

Now, Lily’s intentions and that of her family’s were purely to take Amanda and her children out of what they considered to be a terrible situation, and they were desperate to help her.

The problem was, Amanda didn’t want their help, and all they were doing was prompting Amanda to defend her fiance and push her closer to him – not the result they were after! Also, her fiance was making terrible accusations about family members, making the situation so much worse.

So what can Lily’s family start do starting now, to hopefully turn this situation around?

Well… the first thing they need to do is to back off on talking the fiance down and trying to convince her to leave him, because the first thing Amanda’s going to do is jump to his defense. She’s proven this already.

As unfortunate as the situation is, Amanda loves her fiance (well… she thinks she does, despite how he treats her), and she’s not about to give up on him that easily.

When in an abusive relationship, even though you may know you’re being treated badly, you will defend your partner for many reasons. It could be because you don’t want the world to know how bad things really are between you, or you don’t want to admit defeat and make yourself wrong and your family right. There are also many women out there who are too proud to admit they’ve picked a “bad one” and to ask for help.

Also, when in an abusive relationship, you really do believe that leaving would cause a whole lot more trouble, pain and/or trauma than staying. So staying looks much more attractive than leaving does.

For Amanda, it could be that she’s used to the “stability” of being in a relationship (even a bad one – it is how she expects it to be). Ok, her relationship isn’t ideal, but she’s in one and doesn’t have to think about entering the dating scene which she may be afraid of having to face.

Or it could also be that she is hoping and praying that her fiance will eventually “wake up” and begin treating her better and she’s pinning all of her hopes on that. I know I did this!

But ultimately it’s not until she finally gets so sick of the bad treatment and sees all of the reasons why leaving is actually better than staying, that she will finally consider doing so.

This is the key: She needs to believe that leaving will be a whole lot better than staying, before she will actually leave him or do something to change her situation.

And this is where her family comes in. It’s time to stop putting Amanda’s fiance down (it’s clearly not working), and instead communicate from a loving perspective, rather than one of contempt and dislike or even hate.

It’s up to Lily and her family to help Amanda to see what a good relationship should look like, how wonderful it is to be a part of their family, and to know that they will be there for her, no matter what. She needs to feel that she is loved, despite her choices, good and bad.

Here’s how they can begin to achieve this:

• Stop putting down her fiance – it’s only pushing her away and causing her to defend him.
• Let her know how much she is loved – this is important.
• Offer support, if and when she needs it.
• Don’t offer advice unless it’s asked for – be diplomatic and do NOT make negative comments about her fiance while doing so.
• If she makes contact, be open and loving towards her – don’t mention her fiance if you can help it and definitely not if she doesn’t.
• Instead of saying “You should leave him because he treats you badly”, try using words such as “I would love to see you in a relationship where you’re loved, cherished and adored…”.
• If somebody in the family or a friend finds themselves in a new happy and loving relationship, tell her about this new relationship and how happy they look together and mention how well he treats her. And leave it at that – don’t go on about it because she will know you’re up to something!
• If they miss her children, say so. But don’t bring him into it. Just a simple “I miss X and Y so much! How are they doing?” will do for starters.

By trying to convince Amanda to leave her fiance, Lily’s family were only successful in pushing her away. But if they remained open and loving towards her and stopped putting her fiance down, then she wouldn’t be so resistant to them and may eventually turn to them when she needed help.

Also, they need to let her know that they love her and she deserves to be treated like a princess, but don’t go on about it. Say it once to plant the seed and then let it drop. Start helping her to believe that she and her children deserve the very best.

While these actions won’t change things overnight, Lily’s family may begin to notice gradual, subtle changes. They just need to remember to hold back and let Amanda handle things at her own pace and just be there for her. It’s difficult being patient, but one wrong move and they could find things back to where they were in the first place.

I cannot stress enough though, that if physical violence is involved, then Amanda’s safety (and that of her children) is of utmost importance, and appropriate advice should be sought from the police or other services specifically to help abused women, as soon as possible.

These steps are by no means guaranteed to succeed, but if what you’re doing now isn’t working, then it’s time to try something different.

My heart goes out to anybody in this situation because it can be extremely painful and the feelings of helplessness can be overwhelming, so please remember to come from a place of LOVE, and the chances for change will increase dramatically. xxx