After two failed marriages, lots of dates and even more research on this topic, I have a pretty good understanding of the way relationship dynamics work, and I also understand just how wrong I was getting it for so many years! Who would’ve thought that my incessant need to plan and organise was part of the problem in my past relationships??? I certainly didn’t!

But the key is awareness. I am now aware what a man likes and doesn’t like and I also know that by making a few key internal changes, I can completely transform my relationships for the better! And I’ve done just that with my man!

Now, I’m going to use me as a prime example of what not to do…

But first I want to discuss masculine and feminine energy. In any happy and healthy relationship there’s got to be a balance of masculine and feminine energy.

Without this balance, you have constant conflict, feelings of dissatisfaction, and a whole host of problems in your relationship.

In a relationship, one person must be in feminine while the other is in masculine energy. It doesn’t matter which one, as long as you’re not the same. But women (just like men) need to be feminine at least some of the time, otherwise she feels dissatisfied.

The masculine person is the one who organises and plans, they are the givers, they look after everybody else, they control the finances, and the list goes on.

The feminine person just “is”. They let the masculine partner lead, they receive from the maculine partner and they are the softer, “receiving” person in the relationship, just going along with the flow in some ways.

My ideal man is very masculine, so I need to be careful not to switch into masculine energy, which has been my problem in the past. In the past I controlled the finances, I made all of the plans, I made sure things were organised, I would be the one to hook the DVD player to the TV, I was in control!

And I was VERY unhappy.

In my first marriage to a very masculine man, we clashed. And because he suffered from low self esteem, he would attack as his way of bringining me back down so he could feel better about himself. And I attacked back. Because I was also masculine in many ways.

In my second marriage, again I was in the masculine energy and again I was the one who controlled everything. My husband (bless him – he’s such a lovely man!) was more feminine in his energy. So while we were in opposite energy types, I wasn’t happy because I so desperately needed to be the girl and have my man look after things for once. So many times I tried to hand over the budgeting to him, but he refused, saying I was the brains of the family.

He and I are still great friends, and I hope we continue to stay that way. But I cannot be married to him because I need a masculine energy man.

Ok. So that brings me to now!

My current relationship wasn’t always a bed of roses, but for the most part it’s pretty good now. And it took a LOT of work on my part!

In the beginning, I was still struggling to let go of my masculine energy. My man would constantly point out how I was trying to control and manipulate him with my words and actions and he was so right!

Even now he sometimes says “Why do you have to plan absolutely everything down to the last detail??”. It annoys him that I feel this need to do this, so letting go of it has been difficult for me and sometimes I slip back into that masculine energy but usually pull myself out of it before it becomes an issue.

He and I had been on a roller coaster for a very long time. I often attacked him for things I “thought” he was doing (or thinking!), and I really struggled to give up control, constantly trying to get him to specifically tell me the status of our relationship. Of course he resisted (any man would!), and of course I would get upset by it.

Often would disappear into his “man cave” for a day or so just to get away from my intense energy! I’m surprised he even stuck around, because I really did make our lives hell for a very long time.

He was no angel either (it always takes two), but I can certainly see where my feelings and actions played a big part in how we were going.

So… how did I turn this around?

Here’s some of what I did – and these are some things you can apply in your relationship to see if it makes a difference:

• I stopped trying to control EVERYTHING
• I stopped worrying about our relationship and where it was going
• I stopped nagging him about the status of our relationship
• I stopped thinking about him constantly
• I learned to receive from him without feeling guilty (this was big for me. I had never been with such a generous man before, and probably felt a little “unworthy” of my man’s gifts. But as a masculine man, it makes him feel good when he gives)
• I made the decision to trust him 100% and stop worrying that he may hurt me
• I stopped trying to “trap” him by locking him in my “cage” and locking the door – he has his life and I have mine – he needed to be free to do that without upsetting me
• I finally believed that I am the prize and he is lucky to have me, and that if he didn’t want to be with me, then there were plenty around who did!
• I let him re-do my budget. This was VERY difficult for me because I’d always done my own budget because I was with men who were terrible with money and I constantly lived without while my men got what they want. My man did a great job I am pleased to say, and my finances are looking better and better every day!

So can you see here that I’ve not only let him take over some of the masculine tasks that I used to do, but I’ve also learned to let go, enjoy the moment and trust that he’s going to do what’s best for both of us.

I know this is a very vulnerable place to be in an emotional sense, but if I can’t open my heart to this man, what’s the point in having a future with him??

But of course we know that’s not the reality, and relationships can be downright confusing!

I don’t know of any relationship that is perfect – they all come with thier own challenges, but it’s how you handle these challenges that will make for a great relationship!

So today’s challenge is about dealing with a man who is withdrawing.

It doesn’t matter who you are or where you live, your man will probably withdraw at times during your relationship. Sometimes it’s more obvious than others, but it does happen to some extent.

Men can withdraw for the following reasons:

• They’re stressed about work
• They have things on their mind that may or may not have anything to do with you
• They’re tired
• They’re feeling uncertain about your relationship
• They just need some “man” time, alone

This is not an exhaustive list of why your man may be withdrawing, but it gives you a pretty clear indication that most of the time, they’re withdrawing for reasons that have absolutely NOTHING to do with you!

So that’s the good news!

The bad news is that many women respond quite badly to this – I’m speaking for myself too here!

I’ve been so worked up about why my man is withdrawing that I spend my day obsessing about what can be wrong! Why hasn’t he called me, why did he act kind of distant, why didn’t he say much, why does he not want to see me tonight?????

These and many other questions have gone through my mind at some point, and to be honest, this stuff is draining! And not only is it draining on you, but it’s also draining on him!

He may not be there in the room with you, but I’ll bet he can “feel” the negative vibe you’re putting out there! And this is not good, because it could make things worse.

But if you’re able to deal with his withdrawals in a calm and positive way, things will return to normal a lot sooner, and you may find that he seems to be moving closer to you.

So…. what do you do if your man is withdrawing?

Here’s some of the things I have learned from a relationship coach, as well as some things I’ve tried (that worked!) with my guy:

• Realise that he may withdrawing for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you – and in fact, this is most likely the case. Remember this point in particular – I think this one is our downfall in most cases!
• Let him have his space – we all need it sometimes.
• Don’t call him/text him/phone him, unless absolutely necessary, and NO making up excuses to contact him either!
• Wait for him to contact you – and when he does, be open and inviting. There is NO room for accusations here!
• Feel free, once he has contacted you, to tell him how it felt when he withdrew – remember, no accusations and just speak about how you felt. Eg. I feel so happy to hear from you! The last few days I’ve been feeling insecure/worried/upset because I didn’t hear from you. I hope everything is ok?
• Put your focus on to you! Do things you love to do and get your mind off him now! Maybe you could go out with friends, or you could pamper yourself, or maybe get involved in something you’re passionate about. Anything to get your thoughts OFF him!

I suppose the most important thing here is to get yourself to stop thinking about where he’s at, and concentrate on yourself during these times. Do something for YOU! Something that makes your heart sing! And this ties in to my earlier post about identifying your purpose in life. Work that out and you have something fabulous to focus on while your man is hiding in his “man cave”!

Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine. Her marriage had been on and off the rocks for some time, and like me, she had been verbally and emotionally abused by her husband for years.

She still loved him, although she was sick to death of being treated badly and of being yelled at. So after work she would delay going home by hanging out with a girlfriend for a couple of hours.

Unfortunately though, what this did was make things worse. Her husband would get upset with her for spending so much time away from home (and him). But my friend didn’t want to go home because of the way he treated her.

So can you see that there’s a vicious circle happening here? She doesn’t want to go home because of the way he’s treating her, and he treats her badly because he’s so angry at her for not coming home.

Now, this couple still have a VERY long way to go, but there are some things she can do to improve her situation.

But first she has to understand that she CANNOT change him or his behaviour. Only he can do that. She can only change herself and her behaviour, and this in turn will inspire him to change his.

So what this means is that she can’t “make” him treat her better, so she’s happy to go home sooner. But here’s what she can do…

The first thing she needs to do is make fixing her marriage her first priority. Unfortunately, by hanging out with friends instead of her husband, she’s “hiding” from the problems in her marriage. This is because the only reasoon she’s hanging out with friends so often is because she doesn’t want to be home with her husband.

If she doesn’t want to go home, then things are seriously wrong and they need to be worked out. Avoiding home is not how that’s done.

So the next step would be to start making the effort to spend more time at home with her husband.

This may create some immediate positive changes in him, but it may only be temporary – until he has another of his “outbursts”.

So this is where she needs to speak to him in a non-blaming way about it. She has already told him that she stays away because she doesn’t want to be with him, especially when he’s in a bad mood, so she might want to say something like: “I am spending more time at home to give this marriage a proper go, but I feel sad/upset/miserable when I am spoken to in that way”… or something along those lines (I’ll be providing some links to some great resources to help with the wording you could use, in the very near future).

So she’s not throwing accusations at him, but she IS telling him how his treatment of her makes her feel. She’s making this about herself – not him.

Now he may or may not react well to these words, but once you’ve said your piece, leave the room and do not bring it up again unless it happens again and he’s yelling at you.

This couple have been struggling for so many years, but from what she tells me and what I have observed, I KNOW he loves her, but he has a really crappy way of showing it.

She responds in a passive-agressive way, which of course makes the entire situation so much worse.

My friend really needs to put fixing her marriage as her first priority or it’s never going to happen – she will continue to live this way until she does something different.

But just like she can’t make her husband do something, I can’t make her. All I can do is let her know how I see things from my perspective, and hope that she listens…

It’s common when you’re feeling this way to begin an ongoing cycle of criticism of your man.  And he probably does the same thing too.

But you must remember one thing:  You cannot change a man – you can only make changes within yourself!

I cannot stress this enough!  Often what happens when things are bad is that you begin blaming him for everything that’s wrong with your relationship.  But I’m sad to say, that a relationship rarely goes sour thanks to just one of you – it usually takes two to send it down the tubes!  So while you can’t change him, you CAN change yourself, and you will be amazed at what a difference this can make to your relationship!

So what happens when a man feels criticised or unappreciated by his partner?  What does he do?

Look at this list and see if your man is doing any of these things:

• He stops communicating any appreciation for you
• He begins to fee like he has failed in life and in your relationship
• He loses his passion – for life and for you
• He will search out ways to express his frustrations – either directly or indirectly
• He will begin to avoid you and will find excuses to spend time away from you
• He will begin to shut you out – you will lose intimacy with him
• He will no longer be there for you like he used to be

Every time you criticise him, he begins to shut down – and shut you out, and sadly, unless you become aware that you’re doing this, you probably won’t notice it’s happening at first.

When you think about it, when you criticise a man, you’re expressing to him that you want him to change.  But men do NOT like being told what to do – especially not by a woman!  So the more you try to tell him what to do, the less likely you are to get the results you want!

So how can you create a happy relationship?  How can you turn things around so your partner wants to be with you, is passionate about his life, and loves to do things that make you happy?

There are three things a man needs to feel for this to happen:

1. Acknowledged
2. Appreciated
3. Admired

Let’s explore these in more detail…

When a man feels acknowledged for the good things he’s done, he knows that he’s doing something that’s worthwhile.  It could just be that he works extremely hard day after day, and you acknowledge the contribution he’s making to the household.

When a man feels appreciated, he knows that every effort he makes isn’t for nothing.  He knows you appreciate what he has done and feels good about himself for making you happy.  Believe it or not, men LOVE to make their women happy! And if you’re showing him appreciation for even just the smallest things, then he will know he’s on the right track!

Men love to be admired.  I suppose from a women’s perspective, that could look a bit like an ego thing, but either way, if your guy is extra smart or skilled at something, or if he’s recently achieved something, show him admiration.  Let him know that you think he’s great in an admiring way!

None of these ideas require him to actually make any changes.  This is all about you and how you communicate with him and consciously work on noticing the small positive things and acknowledging them.

So my suggestion to you is to begin trying these things (remember to be authentic and do not go over the top!), and watch for positive changes.  I am almost certain you will be very surprised at how quickly things can change for the better!  ;)

If you have somebody close who is involved in an abusive relationship, I know how helpless it can feel to have to sit back and watch the destruction happen before your eyes.

You can see clearly what’s happening, but your loved one seems oblivious to what’s obvious to everybody else. And she defends him!!!

I was recently contacted by one of my subscribers (Lily) who was concerned about her sister Amanda, (names have been changed to protect their identities) and her two children.

Amanda was engaged to a man who was unemployed and living off her. He often lied about where he was and what he was doing, he was verbally and emotionally abusing her and was doing what he could to distance her from her family. Lily and her family could see it clear as day. But no matter how hard they tried to get through to her, Amanda refused to listen to them. She began pulling away from and eventually stopped most contact with their family over the course of a few months.

Amanda’s children were also suffering through all of this because they were rarely allowed to see their grandmother and they missed her.

Through all of this, Lily and her family tried everything they could to talk Amanda into leaving her fiance, but it was no use. She defended him despite the fact that his shortcomings were there for all to see…

Now, Lily’s intentions and that of her family’s were purely to take Amanda and her children out of what they considered to be a terrible situation, and they were desperate to help her.

The problem was, Amanda didn’t want their help, and all they were doing was prompting Amanda to defend her fiance and push her closer to him – not the result they were after! Also, her fiance was making terrible accusations about family members, making the situation so much worse.

So what can Lily’s family start do starting now, to hopefully turn this situation around?

Well… the first thing they need to do is to back off on talking the fiance down and trying to convince her to leave him, because the first thing Amanda’s going to do is jump to his defense. She’s proven this already.

As unfortunate as the situation is, Amanda loves her fiance (well… she thinks she does, despite how he treats her), and she’s not about to give up on him that easily.

When in an abusive relationship, even though you may know you’re being treated badly, you will defend your partner for many reasons. It could be because you don’t want the world to know how bad things really are between you, or you don’t want to admit defeat and make yourself wrong and your family right. There are also many women out there who are too proud to admit they’ve picked a “bad one” and to ask for help.

Also, when in an abusive relationship, you really do believe that leaving would cause a whole lot more trouble, pain and/or trauma than staying. So staying looks much more attractive than leaving does.

For Amanda, it could be that she’s used to the “stability” of being in a relationship (even a bad one – it is how she expects it to be). Ok, her relationship isn’t ideal, but she’s in one and doesn’t have to think about entering the dating scene which she may be afraid of having to face.

Or it could also be that she is hoping and praying that her fiance will eventually “wake up” and begin treating her better and she’s pinning all of her hopes on that. I know I did this!

But ultimately it’s not until she finally gets so sick of the bad treatment and sees all of the reasons why leaving is actually better than staying, that she will finally consider doing so.

This is the key: She needs to believe that leaving will be a whole lot better than staying, before she will actually leave him or do something to change her situation.

And this is where her family comes in. It’s time to stop putting Amanda’s fiance down (it’s clearly not working), and instead communicate from a loving perspective, rather than one of contempt and dislike or even hate.

It’s up to Lily and her family to help Amanda to see what a good relationship should look like, how wonderful it is to be a part of their family, and to know that they will be there for her, no matter what. She needs to feel that she is loved, despite her choices, good and bad.

Here’s how they can begin to achieve this:

• Stop putting down her fiance – it’s only pushing her away and causing her to defend him.
• Let her know how much she is loved – this is important.
• Offer support, if and when she needs it.
• Don’t offer advice unless it’s asked for – be diplomatic and do NOT make negative comments about her fiance while doing so.
• If she makes contact, be open and loving towards her – don’t mention her fiance if you can help it and definitely not if she doesn’t.
• Instead of saying “You should leave him because he treats you badly”, try using words such as “I would love to see you in a relationship where you’re loved, cherished and adored…”.
• If somebody in the family or a friend finds themselves in a new happy and loving relationship, tell her about this new relationship and how happy they look together and mention how well he treats her. And leave it at that – don’t go on about it because she will know you’re up to something!
• If they miss her children, say so. But don’t bring him into it. Just a simple “I miss X and Y so much! How are they doing?” will do for starters.

By trying to convince Amanda to leave her fiance, Lily’s family were only successful in pushing her away. But if they remained open and loving towards her and stopped putting her fiance down, then she wouldn’t be so resistant to them and may eventually turn to them when she needed help.

Also, they need to let her know that they love her and she deserves to be treated like a princess, but don’t go on about it. Say it once to plant the seed and then let it drop. Start helping her to believe that she and her children deserve the very best.

While these actions won’t change things overnight, Lily’s family may begin to notice gradual, subtle changes. They just need to remember to hold back and let Amanda handle things at her own pace and just be there for her. It’s difficult being patient, but one wrong move and they could find things back to where they were in the first place.

I cannot stress enough though, that if physical violence is involved, then Amanda’s safety (and that of her children) is of utmost importance, and appropriate advice should be sought from the police or other services specifically to help abused women, as soon as possible.

These steps are by no means guaranteed to succeed, but if what you’re doing now isn’t working, then it’s time to try something different.

My heart goes out to anybody in this situation because it can be extremely painful and the feelings of helplessness can be overwhelming, so please remember to come from a place of LOVE, and the chances for change will increase dramatically. xxx

“Should we stay together for the sake of our children?”   My answer to that is “It depends”.

You would not be asking this question if your relationship wasn’t in trouble, so whether you see it or not, your children are being affected by this.  This should be your main concern.

So should you stay and try to work things out?  Or should you leave and start a new life?

You also have a third option… you can choose to do nothing.

It’s the third option that I believe will cause the most harm to your children.  What you are doing by choosing to do nothing, is teaching your children that it’s ok to be miserable.  It’s ok to live in a loveless and/or abusive marriage.  Life really does suck and it’s ok if you just put up with it and do nothing about it… yuk….

Do you really want your children believing that??  I didn’t think so…

So your only two options are to:

1. Stay and try to work things out – and this means actually doing something!  It could be that you both go to counseling, or you could seek coaching, or you may even try some new techniques you learned in a book or online.  Be honest with yourself though and note any progress (if any) made.  Don’t kid yourself into believing that it’s working when it’s clearly not.  Try something else if what you’re doing isn’t working.  Are you starting to feel happier?  If not, then you may need to try something else.  Your kids will feel it when you’re not happy.  Remember that…
2. Leave and start a new life – this is hard.  I’ve done it twice, so can pretty much call myself an expert on the subject.  The decision to leave must be made when you really do think the relationship has no hope.  In my case, both times I knew I no longer loved my husband, and the second one I couldn’t trust either.  Too much damage was done before I made my decision.  Although I know that if I’d taken action sooner, then Option 1 would have been my preference.  But by the time my decision was made, it was too late to save the relationship and I figured that my children were better off with two happy, separate parents than they were with two miserable, together parents.  Never leave unless you’re absolutely sure it’s what you want to do.  To keep changing your mind and to keep going back will only upset your children more.

No matter what you decide, you must go by how you truly and honestly feel inside.  Are you happy or not?  Are things improving or not?

No choice is going to be an easy one to follow through with, but choice #3 should not even be an option if you truly want your children to be happy.

No matter what your choice however, please, please, please put your safety and that of your children first!

You are all precious and deserve to be happy.  xx

Let’s face it… men think differently to women and they always will, so trying to work them out is like the impossible dream.

How many times has he said or done something and you’ve been left trying to work out what he meant by his words or actions?

So he didn’t call you when he said he would, for example…  If you’re like most women, you’re probably trying to come up with the various reasons why he didn’t call.  Maybe he was in a car accident, or he lost his phone, or he had to wash his hair….???

I hate to tell you this girls, but trying to work out what your guy’s thinking and why, will only drive you CRAZY!!!

So how do you stop the craziness?  How do you stop worrying about whether you’ve done something wrong?  How do you get on with your life without obsessing over him?

Before I go any further, I just need to quickly mention that obsessing over him = doom!  Stop doing it!  It will come through in your vibe and you’ll only push him away!

Ok, so how do we stop this?

The first thing you need to do is get busy doing your own thing.  No more waiting by the phone.  No more thinking about him 24 hours a day.  No more revolving your life around him.

It’s time to get your life on track doing what YOU want to do.   If he wants to call you, then he will.  If he doesn’t, then he won’t.  Ok he may have a good excuse, but don’t think you’d feel a whole lot better if you didn’t spend your entire afternoon waiting by the phone to ring, and you did something fun instead?

Organise outings with girlfriends, book yourself in for a massage or manicure, indulge in one of your favourite hobbies, exercise – either alone or in a class….

The aim here is to NOT think about him and to focus ENTIRELY on you and your interests!

And even better, get passionate about your life!  What really makes your heart sing?  Focus on that!  And if he calls when he says he will, then great!  Be happy about that!  But if he doesn’t, well that’s great too, because you were busy doing something you were passionate about and didn’t want to be interrupted!  :)

Trust me… this change in your vibe is probably the very best thing you can do for your relationship with your guy and you will see quick results!

It was unlike anything I had ever experienced it all, and was so intense that I worried that when my second beautiful angel was born, that I wouldn’t love her as much.

But the moment I laid eyes on her, I experienced that same intense love all over again.

Even though I’ve had my challenges over the years, and although I have a lot of my focus on my career, business and relationships, being a mother to me has been (and probably always will be) the most important aspect of my life.  My children come first above all else.  But I still make time for me!

Being a mother is hard work, and it’s important you have time for yourself sometimes.  We often get caught up in all of the other aspects of our life, and forget that we need looking after too.

So if you’re on a mission to lose some weight for example, but you rarely have time to exercise, then today is the day that you schedule half an hour, three times a week to exercise – just as you would an appointment at the doctor.  If you made that appointment you’d show up right?  So treat your exercise regime the same way.  Book it in!

If your relationship with your significant other needs some work, book him in for a “date”.  Spend some time alone together.  Once you have children, this aspect of relationships often stops happening and things get dull.  Spice things up a little!

If there’s something you’ve always wanted to do, such as attend a Zumba class, hike up a local mountain, write your first novel or even jump out of a plane, choose today as the day in which you start planning this activity.  Set a date, find out the costs, work out how you’ll pay for it (if needed) or what you’ll need to get started.  And START!

If you’ve been wanting to return to work, change your career, or improve your skills, start looking at the job ads, update your resume, look into courses, see if your employer will pay for some additional study for you.

Choose today as the day in which you make at least one small improvement to your life!  That’s the first step towards living a life worth living!  :)

I am the type of person who hates conflict.  I want to make everyone happy and am probably a little too laid back when it comes to how others treat me.   Well, that’s how it’s been the last 12 months or so anyway.  But I’ve made some huge personal changes and things are suddenly looking a LOT rosier!

Whether you’re in a relationship or single and dating, our interactions with men (I’m talking to the women of the world here) say a lot about the type of treatment we should expect to receive.

For example, if you’re always available when he contacts you, will do whatever he asks when he asks, and you tolerate what you would normally consider “bad” behaviour, then you’re giving the message that you will not only continue to tolerate his bad behaviour, but you’ll continue to reward him for it too!

You’re accepting crumbs, and he knows it.  Don’t get me wrong.  This doesn’t make him out to be the “bad guy”.  It’s just how things work out when we continue to put others’ needs before our own.

So how do you turn this around?

Here’s where I learned my biggest lesson this year.  You MUST first increase your “degree of difficulty”.  This doesn’t mean that you have to all of a sudden become high maintenance.   What it does mean is that you need to take your focus right off him and onto yourself and get busy doing other stuff!

Your life is what you make it. So get out there girl and have some fun!  If you’re single, consider dating other men.  There’s no written (or unwritten) rule that says you’re only allowed to date one guy at a time.  Until you’re in a committed relationship, then why would you want to restrict yourself to just one guy who may or may not be for you?

• If you’re in a relationship (or even if you’re not), spend more time with your girlfriends.  Pamper yourself on occasion, reward yourself for being you!  Start taking care of your own needs.  Take a dance class, join a gym, go to a Zumba class, take a relaxing walk.  There are so many things you can do.
• Stop dropping everything the second he calls.  If you have other plans, tell him so.  Ask for more notice next time.
• Communicate your needs to him.  If he’s not delivering, then there’s a chance he’s just clueless!  But be careful not to sound “blamey”.  Use “I” instead of “You” when telling him what you want and don’t want.  Make it all about you.

Realise that you deserve the very best that life has to offer and until you put your foot down about what you will accept and what you won’t, then the crumbs will continue to come.  You don’t deserve that, and your man (if you have one) will certainly begin to look at you a little differently when you take control of your own needs first!  :)