What do I do if I’m mad at my husband?

I love my husband - a lot!  Although at times I could strangle him!

He is currently training for a bodybuilding competition (that’s a whole other story!), and for the last few months he’s not been his usual happy, carefree self.  He’s a lot less tolerant than before and personally, I just don’t like it.

He and my oldest daughter seem to be fighting constantly and after spending 9 years of constant conflict, I’m not too happy about it.  So today I got mad.  Not mad enough to yell at him (I am yet to get THAT mad at him!) but mad enough to tell him how this made me feel. 

Sometimes men don’t like being told that what they’re doing isn’t right, but if they’re not told, then how can they know? 

Anyway, the entire event ended happily and we had a big hug and he’s lightened up on my daughter, so things are a lot better this evening compared to earlier on.

If you’re not confident enough to stand up for your children, things aren’t good.  Our children learn from us and if we allow things to happen then they grow up thinking it’s normal.

So do your children - and yourself - a favour and speak up for what you believe in!

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Should I stay married?

I was talking to a colleague at work today and she mentioned that she had a male friend who was in an unhappy marriage.  He and his wife had nothing in common, had no common interests, spent little time together, they rarely slept together and she was really controlling.  He wasn’t happy at all.

When my colleague talked to him about working at his marriage and possibly seeking counseling, he indicated that he didn’t want to.  So the question here was, why was he staying with her if they weren’t happy together?

After spending 9 years in an unhappy marriage, I can kind of understand why he’s just letting things "sit" there as they are, rather than do something about it.  It kind of seemed easier just to go along as we were.

For me, the thing that made me take action was the fact that my daughter would grow up thinking our marriage was normal if I chose to continue to live like we were, and I definitely didn’t want that. 

Did we seek counseling?  Yes.  But years too late.  We were having problems early on and I begged on many occasions to go and see a marriage counselor, but he refused each time.  But when I told him I was leaving him, he suddenly realised that his life was about to turn upside down and suggested it.  I agreed (I would have been a hypocrite otherwise), but it was too late.  I no longer had feelings for him - I just wanted to leave and start over.

So the point of my post is this - if you’re starting to have problems now, sort them out now.  Do nothing and things will continue until it’s too late.  If you believe your marriage is worth saving (some aren’t), then do something about it.  If it’s not worth saving, then do something about it - you will be glad you did!

 

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Whom do you associate with?

"Be careful the environment you choose for it will shape you; be careful the friends you choose for you will become like them."
W. Clement Stone
1902-2002, Author and Businessman

Whilst I rode home on the train yesterday afternoon, I turned the page of the local freebie paper I was reading to see an interview and a photo of a friend of mine, Nik Halik.

Nik is an Adventurer, entrepreneur (he was a millionaire before he turned 30!) and recently became an author.

The article was written to promote his new book, The Thrillionaire, which was recently released. I rushed out to purchase his book today, and read a chapter on my way home. So far so good! I’ll post a review when I finish!

Now, this article isn’t about his book, but more about a question he was asked in the article I was reading.

He was asked what the best advice his parents had given him.

He responded with "You are whom you associate with". Interesting.

Now, look around you. What is your partner like? What are your friends like? Observe them like you’ve never met them before. Do you want to be like them? Or do you want something else?

If this is the case, then look at changing who you associate with. Build a new circle of friends, network with people who are interested in the same things you are.

Very few of us ever look at our families or friends like I have suggested, and it’s not until they really look at them from an outsider’s perspective that they realise that perhaps they should associate with other "types" and that their current associations are not what’s best for them.

Of course, you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family - you’re stuck with them no matter what! So if your family aren’t helping you to grow and be a better person, what do you do?

For me it has been difficult because I come from a very close family. The problem is that I really have nothing in common with two of my siblings. AT ALL! Once upon a time we had a lot in common. But not now. Over time we have grown apart.

Don’t get me wrong - we still love each other. I even work with one of them! And we get on fine, but only in small doses. What this means is that I rarely see them unless I run into one in the hallway at work, or we have a family celebration. Spend too much time together, and it’s like we’re from different planets. My sister talks about what happened on TV last night and I tune out. I talk about my business and she tunes out.

It’s just the way things are. It doesn’t mean we hate each other, but I much prefer to associate with people who have interests similar to mine!

Things get a LOT harder when it’s your partner or significant other. You hear so many stories of marriages ending because they have "grown apart". Unfortunately I have no solution to offer here. I think it’s just that sometimes people head in different directions in life. Maybe being more involved or taking an interest in what your partner is doing, and asking them to do the same will help?

For me, I have found that associating with people who are successful, inspirational and positive has changed my life for the better. I realise that these people are so "normal" and have always been that way! They’re no different to you and me, except that in Nik Halik’s case in particular, there is a burning desire to achieve their goals. I admire their passion and commitment and courage. They have a "never say die" attitude and it pays off for them. I want to be more like them and take action every day to be like them!

I will be forever grateful for the day that I made the decision to make my life better, because I now have some wonderful friends that include Nik Halik the Thrillionaire.

And as proof that we do actually know each other, here we are at a Money Masters event in Brisbane! I have had the pleasure of working with Nik, his wonderful sister Victoria and the FFI team on several occasions now and I look forward to working with them again in the future.

Here’s me with inspirational speaker, Johnny Wimbrey. Johnny’s life is one worth reading about! If he can get to where he is now, then anyone can!

I had the pleasure of meeting Stephen Pierce at a seminar in 2006. Stephen also had a bit of a tragic beginning, but again he is proof that it doesn’t matter where you come from - success can be yours!

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Why won’t she leave him??

Have you ever wondered why women suffering from verbal or physical abuse stay with their abusive partners?

I can’t speak for all women who put up with such treatment, but I can speak for myself.

If you’ve not read my previous posts, then you may not realise that I was verbally and emotionally abused for around 9 years by my former husband.

It wasn’t constant, but it was enough to push my self esteem so low that at times I wondered if I would be better off dead.

So why did I stay?

There were a number of reasons (and yes, if you’ve never been in a similar situation you may wonder about my intelligence here!) which I will cover now:

1. I felt I had nowhere to go (despite the fact that my parents lived nearby and would have been there for me no matter what).

2. I didn’t want to admit I had "failed" to myself or others.

3. Financial reasons - if I left, then there would be a huge financial mess to clean up.

4. I was afraid of the unknown - my self esteem was so low that I really wasn’t sure I would be up to surviving on my own (what the..?).

5. I didn’t think I would cope as a single mother.

There were plenty of other "excuses", but as you can see, the reasons above were either not justified or they were just plain lame.

Looking back I know these excuses were lame but at the time, they were very valid and a strong reason to stay.

Another thing our marriage counselor said to me was that because the abuse I suffered wasn’t physical, I felt I didn’t have a tangible reason to leave. I suppose if he had hit me (several times I tried to get him to!), I would’ve been out that door in an instant! (I hope!)

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What really matters when it comes to relationships

After being in a marriage where a regular screaming match was just a (sad) part of life, I am finding things a lot quieter these days, since meeting my current husband.

Why do people argue? What do they hope to achieve? Do they just want to be right? Personally, I’d rather be happy!

Sometimes I think it’s best just to let things go when my husband does or says something I am not happy with. Unless it’s something that really offends, then I think about whether arguing about it is going to make me feel better or worse. I also think about what I might hope to achieve if I do choose to start or join in on argument and win. The answer is usually "Nothing".

Stop and think about what’s really important before entering into an argument, and NEVER, EVER argue in front of your children!!! You can never know how much damage that can do to a child!

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Can’t get a decent date? You’re probably the reason why!

Ok, that sounds harsh, but think about it. How much fun are you to be around?

If you have low confidence or self esteem, then chances are the people you meet will pick up on it.

I once suffered from low confidence and self esteem, and I am amazed at how this affected the types of guys I attracted into my life. There were some shockers!

Since improving my self esteem, the quality of my dates improved significantly. A while back, I asked a male friend of mine about this and he told me that guys with low self confidence or esteem were too afraid to talk to me because I seemed so confident and they felt intimidated.

So my moral of the story here is this: You attract what you are!

I don’t mean that literally, but more like you attract people who are what you seem to them. Gawd, that sounded confusing…!

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How can you tell if your child lacks confidence?

Hmmm. This one I ponder because I have two daughters, aged 10 and 1. Whilst it’ll be a while before I have too much to worry about with my younger daughter, I am compelled to ensure my older daughter doesn’t go down the road that I did.

So how can a parent tell if their child lacks self confidence? I have no idea!

I suppose it might be a case of watching how they interact with others, how they go at school, and the types of friends they have. She is only 10, so the “bad” years are yet to come - hopefully her self esteem will be high enough then so she doesn’t make the bad choices I did!

So how does a parent help build a child’s self esteem?

I think there are a few things you can do:

- Praise them for doing well

- Never, EVER put them down

- Always offer encouragement

- Allow them to do things for themselves (as they get older, allow them to make their own lunch, if they want to cook you dinner, let them, and make sure it’s age-appropriate)

- Punish them for doing the wrong thing where appropriate (we usually ban her from using the computer for a week, or we might take something else away)

- Don’t go over the top with punishment or praise that matter. You need to keep it at a good balance.

- Tell you love them and appreciate them - Often!

A child that knows they are loved and appreciated will always have more confidence than a child who experiences no love or appreciation in the home.

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Depression in men

With all that’s going on in my family right now, I thought I’d talk about the subject of depression in men. Why am I talking about this on a site called Self Confidence 101? Well I think low confidence and self esteem can be very closely related to depression. If you’re depressed, you’re very unlikely to feel confident about taking on a new task.

Depression affects both men and women, but usually men and women respond differently.

Because men are less likely than women to talk about their moods or how they feel emotionally, their depression is often not picked up. If it isn’t detected, it cannot be treated and can then become severe and disabling.

Depression is a common, serious illness
Depression is more than just a low mood – it’s a serious illness that requires attention. People with depression find it hard to manage everyday activities. Depression can have serious effects on physical as well as mental health.

Depression is a known high risk factor for suicide. From 1998 to 2002, the suicide rate in Australia was four times higher in men than women.

Symptoms of depression:

A person may be depressed if they have felt sad, down or miserable most of the time, or lost interest in the things they usually enjoy, for more than two weeks.

Here is a list of other possible symptoms:

General slowing down or restlessness
Neglecting responsibilities and not looking after yourself
Withdrawing from family and friends
Becoming confused, worried and agitated
Inability to find pleasure in any activity
Finding it difficult to get motivated in the morning
Behaving differently from usual
Denying depressive feelings – this can be used as a defense mechanism
Indecisiveness
Loss of self-esteem (see?!)
Persistent suicidal thoughts
Talking negatively e.g. ‘I’m a failure’, ‘ It’s my fault’, ‘Life isn’t worth living’
Worrying about finances
Perceived change of status within the family
Moodiness or irritability – this can come across as anger or aggression
Sadness, hopelessness or emptiness
Feeling overwhelmed, worthless or guilty
Sleeping more or less than usual
Feeling tired all the time
Unexplained headaches, backache or similar complaints
Digestive upsets, nausea, changes in bowel habits
Agitation, hand-wringing, pacing
Loss or change of appetite
Significant weight loss or gain.

If after reading this list you feel you may be suffering from depression, then please get help - you might be surprised at how much better life could be, once you are treated!

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Happy anniversary to me!

It’s my 3rd wedding anniversary today and to celebrate I bought my husband a boring card and although I told him I didn’t want anything (I really didn’t want anything), he bought me some lovely gold earrings. Hmm. Who got the better deal? I did!

I don’t take total blame for this situation though. He knows (and I tell him often!) that he cannot go wrong if he buys me clothing, jewelry, or perfume. He tells me he doesn’t know what he wants, so how on earth am I supposed to know what to buy him?

Anyway, instead of giving him something material, I gave him lots of hugs and kisses and told him how much I appreciate him. Men like to know they’re appreciated, I have been told!

It’s his birthday in a month, so I’ve got some time up my sleeve to come up with something sensational! Gift ideas anyone??

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My Dad

My Dad is usually a very upbeat person, telling jokes and making us laugh. But not lately…

Things have been tough lately and unfortunately it has all gotten too much for him and he is quite depressed.

What is a relief is that he knows he isn’t his usual happy self and he’s prepared to do something about it. Many men feel that talking about their problems, or admitting they’re not coping is not the done thing - not my Dad! He is doing something about it and before long he will be back to his old self - hurry up Dad!!! We miss you!!!

I love my Dad dearly although spending time with him right now really drains me emotionally. I suppose when I am around him I am trying to lift his spirits (as well as keeping my own spirits up because I hate seeing him this way), and I find it very frustrating that I can’t help him. I know he hates feeling the way he does too.

Sometimes it’s easier said than done to lift your spirits just by focusing on what you want, rather than your problems. I just hope I get my happy old Dad back soon!

I wish I wasn’t so emotionally involved - maybe then I could use some of my coaching skills on him!

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