Domestic Violence – Should I get out?

Being caught up in a domestic violence situation is not a situation anyone wants to be in.

I have found over time that my articles on domestic violence receive a lot of views and this concerns me in a way because it probably means there are people in this situation who are looking for answers.  It could also be that the friends and family of those caught in an abusive relationship are searching for ways to help their friends.

I came across a forum post from a woman was telling us that as she typed, her husband was lying unconscious and drunk in the bathroom and it was only 7.30pm.  What really made her angry was that they had a young son together and he had witnessed his father coming home drunk, then vomiting everywhere.  Not very nice at all.

The number of responses from women who had all been in similar situations was astounding, although one response in partcular I found to be very valuable.

All of the women suggested that this woman put her foot down with her husband and tell him that enough was enough (he was doing this regularly and after apologising and telling her he wouldn’t do it again, was continuing on the cycle – this is also typical of abusers) and give him an ultimatum.   But the last response was probably the most important of all.  While this was in response to a question around an alcohol problem, this could be applied to abuse situations, or drug addition.

She offered the following advice:

• Her son’s safety had to come first, regardless of whether she left him or stayed.  If he wasn’t abusive before, he could become abusive if he felt his way of life was being threatened.
• Get as much support from family and friends as you can – you’re going to need it!
• Be sure that you have copies (and originals) of all important documents, such as bank account details, birth certificates, marriage certificates, etc and have a friend or relative keep these safe for you.
• The same goes for photos and other sentimental items – things could get ugly, so it is best to be prepared.
• Contact your local support group (there are plenty around that support the families of abusers, alcoholics or addicts)

Getting out of any relationship is always difficult, but if you have the right support around you, then the load will feel significantly lighter.

You know deep down inside whether you should stay or go, but always remember to consider your safety and that of your children (if you have any) first.  I cannot stress this enough.

Why do people hurt their children?

Yesterday and today I read of two horrific stories of fathers killing their children. One shot his entire family (including himself) and another threw his young daughter off a bridge and drove away.

What on EARTH would possess a man to kill or even hurt an innocent child???

We can all draw assumptions about why, such as “he was in the midst of a custody dispute and didn’t want his ex to have the children, so that’s why he killed them”… but regardless of the reasons behind why a parent would kill a child, I can say with absolute certainty, that in all cases these people have a low level of self esteem.

If they had a high regard for their self worth, then they wouldn’t put themself into a situation where they could be locked away for life.

If they had high self esteem, they would face the challenges in their life head-on, knowing that they would come out at the other end in one piece.

Their view on life would be a positive one.

When I hear stories such as the stories I mentioned above, I am saddened to know that if only they had received the right help to boost their self esteem, then maybe this situation would not have happened.

If ever you’re in a relationship with someone who has violent tendencies, both verbal and physical, I cannot stress enough that your safety and that of your children must be of paramount importance.

Get help from a professional who has skills dealing with situations such as yours and protect yourself and your children in every way you can.

How do you forgive someone?

My saying for today is this:

I don’t forgive people because I am weak, I forgive them because I couldn’t be bothered harboring negative thoughts…

Have you ever been guilty of harbouring resentment for somebody that did the wrong thing by you?

How did you benefit when experiencing these feelings? What if you were able to forgive that person and get on with your life?

This is a difficult concept for many people to accept and apply in their own lives.

“Why should I forgive him for what he did to me…?” might be the kind of reaction one would get if suggesting that forgiveness might be the right way to go.

Harbouring negative thoughts takes up sooo much energy and that energy is totally wasted. Personally, I just couldn’t be bothered!

Forgiving doesn’t mean you condone what they have done – it means you’re no longer going to let your feelings about them run your life.

My former husband treated me pretty badly for a long time, and in the end I walked out with my daughter, my personal belongings, some household items and what was left of my dignity. I told him he could have the house, the car and everything else inside.

So many people have asked me what I was thinking!? How could I let him keep everything after what he did to me!? I should take him for everything he had!

If I thought that way, then I’d still be in the “victim mentality”. I’d be fretting about all of the horrible things he did, maybe thinking up ways to get my revenge, thinking of how I could get as much money out of him as possible.

And my daughter’s life would have been filled with turmoil and anger.

Instead I chose another option. I didn’t need all of the “stuff” we had accumulated together. My daughter’s happiness and stability in her life was what I wanted more than anything. That is what helped me make my choice.

My former husband’s childhood was wrought with verbal abuse at the hands of his father (his father isn’t exactly what one would call a “happy” man…!), and whilst I don’t condone abuse of any kind, I do feel that the way he treated me was a symptom of all of the years of abuse he endured as a child (in fact, his father was still calling him names and putting him down well into his 30’s and probably still does).

I also know that deep down, he did care for our daughter and I, but he had a pretty terrible way of showing it – I suppose he never had a good example to follow.

I actually feel very sorry for the man, because I know that he will very likely remain the miserable man I married all those years ago – unless he finally gets off his butt and gets some help with his attitude and hopefully his self esteem!

So for me, forgiving him hasn’t been difficult at all. He had a terrible childhood, was miserable when I was married to him, and is still not exactly “Mr Happy” now. Nothing has changed, so I do feel pity for him, but know that only he has the power to change it, although I doubt he would have the foresight to actually do anything about it. Unfortunately. For him!

So how does one forgive? Well for me, it’s all about making the choice to do so. We can choose to forgive or not forgive. I also look at the situation from their perspective. For example, a thief who steals food from a store is breaking the law. But what if they feel they have a good reason to steal? What if they have starving children at home? What if they have no money and feel this is their only way? Ok, it doesn’t make what they’re doing right, but it does make it easier to understand why someone would stoop to such a level if they’re in a desperate situation.

We may never forget, but forgiving is taking back our power and moving on with our life.

How do you go when it comes to forgiving?

Talking about your ex in front of your children

Since leaving my husband over eight years ago, I’ve made a point of never talking in a negative way about him in front of my daughter.

The reason I have done this is because she had nothing to do with what happened between us, so therefore why should I involve her in the issues we had?

I feel really strongly about parents who try to hurt their ex through their children – it really is a form of child abuse in my opinion.

Of course there are some cases where a child is not safe to be around your ex partner, and I’m not referring to people in this situation, although I do believe the problems associated with this situation really should be dealt with professionally.

In most other cases however, your children probably feel a sense of love and loyalty towards your ex. In my situation, my ex was still my daughter’s father, and nothing I could do or say could change that.

By saying terrible things about him to her, I would have done little more than create confusion for her and I really don’t think that is fair to her at all.

Yes, he treated me badly, but what right do I have to make her sad and confused because of what he did to me?

The other day she asked me why I left him all those years ago. I didn’t want to lie to her of course, but I did have to say something, so I told her I left him because he didn’t treat me the way I deserved to be treated and that I hoped he had learned to treat his current partner well.

She told me he had learned his lesson and they were no longer fighting all of the time (yep, it took him a while to wake up to himself!).

Trying to put things in a positive way to her has therefore meant I have a beautiful, well-adjusted daughter who knows she is loved by a lot of people in various families!

Are abusive relationships worth saving?

When I talk about abusive relationships I refer to both physical and emotionally and verbally abusive relationships because although the action of the abuser is physically different, the emotional effects for the victim are actually very similar.

So if you’re in an abusive relationship, should you stay and try to work things out?

In some cases, if both parties get help (both will definitely need help!), then of course there may be a chance the relationship can be saved, but in many cases, the relationship is doomed from the moment the abuser started abusing.

I might talk of my own experience as the "victim" (I hate referring to myself as a victim, because I now choose not to be one in any situation, but for simplicity I will use this term), to explain what I mean.

I found that from the first time my former husband started verbally or emotionally abusing me, I began to build an emotional wall.  Each time he abused me, the wall grow by another row.  This wall was my protection.  It helped to reduce the hurt every time he called me a name or yelled at me. 

By the time our relationship had neared its fateful demise, I no longer felt anything at all.  I didn’t feel hurt when he abused me, and I most certainly didn’t feel any love for him whatsoever.  I was completely detached emotionally from the entire situation.  He called me a "cold hard b*tch" once, and that’s probably how I appeared to him, because I was no longer crying, begging him to stay with me and I most certainly wasn’t showing any emotion towards him!

When he suggested we seek counseling (this was after I told him I was leaving him) I only agreed because I had been begging him to go for a long time and until this point he’d always said we didn’t need it (yeah, right!).  To say no at this stage would have made me a hypocrite.  Problem was that I really didn’t see how going to counseling was going to help us, because emotionally I had left the relationship several years ago.  My body was just waiting to follow.

The counselor picked up on what I was feeling and also pointed out how he was trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty about how I was feeling.  She was sooo right!  It was at that point that I knew I had to do what was best for all of us – and I left.

Now, if you’re in an abusive relationship, I definitely suggest you seek help NOW.  Don’t wait.  It’s just not worth it.  You only have one chance at this life, so wasting it on the life you’re living now isn’t really "living"!

You might already know what you should do, but you’re yet to actually do it.  What’s holding you back?  What are you afraid of?  What do you hope to gain by staying?  What could you gain by leaving?

There are a lot of questions you need to answer – many of them not even mentioned here, which is why it is so important you seek professional assistance to help you make a decision then act on it. 

No matter what you decide, you must consider your safety, and if you have children, their safety too.  I cannot stress this enough.

Domestic Violence – Horrible Stuff

I have a friend who contributes regularly to a website for women in business and that is how I came across the story I am going to talk about today.

Other contributors to this site talk about anything from fashion, to weight loss, to business (amongst many other things), and today I came across a story about domestic violence where the author (Rachel Kayrooz) talked about how she finally escaped her domestic violence situation.

What is unfortunate for Rachel, is that she had to almost lose her unborn child first.   This story brought tears to my eyes.  I am the mother of two beautiful daughters, and can’t imagine what it would have been like to wonder if my child was going to live or die – before they were even born!   If you’re living in a domestic violence situation, then you need to read her story NOW.

If you’re in a similar situation and can’t do something about it for yourself, then you MUST protect your children and do something for them!!  You might save their life in the process…

Check out her story at http://www.babesinbusiness.com/bib/prod/content/gui_bib_may08_shout.cfm

Why won’t she leave him??

Have you ever wondered why women suffering from verbal or physical abuse stay with their abusive partners?

I can’t speak for all women who put up with such treatment, but I can speak for myself.

If you’ve not read my previous posts, then you may not realise that I was verbally and emotionally abused for around 9 years by my former husband.

It wasn’t constant, but it was enough to push my self esteem so low that at times I wondered if I would be better off dead.

So why did I stay?

There were a number of reasons (and yes, if you’ve never been in a similar situation you may wonder about my intelligence here!) which I will cover now:

1. I felt I had nowhere to go (despite the fact that my parents lived nearby and would have been there for me no matter what).

2. I didn’t want to admit I had "failed" to myself or others.

3. Financial reasons – if I left, then there would be a huge financial mess to clean up.

4. I was afraid of the unknown – my self esteem was so low that I really wasn’t sure I would be up to surviving on my own (what the..?).

5. I didn’t think I would cope as a single mother.

There were plenty of other "excuses", but as you can see, the reasons above were either not justified or they were just plain lame.

Looking back I know these excuses were lame but at the time, they were very valid and a strong reason to stay.

Another thing our marriage counselor said to me was that because the abuse I suffered wasn’t physical, I felt I didn’t have a tangible reason to leave. I suppose if he had hit me (several times I tried to get him to!), I would’ve been out that door in an instant! (I hope!)