Pining over some guy? Here’s things from another perspective…

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This is an edited version of something I posted elsewhere recently. Too many women out there are pining for some guy who clearly doesn’t want what they want, but they hang out for him anyway, and it really makes me cringe….this is why – this is my perspective with the tables turned…

I ended things with a guy several weeks ago, and not because he’s a bad guy or anything like that (he’s a lovely man with a very good heart), but because firstly a relationship right now is not a prority for me. I also felt as though something was “off” or not quite right for me. We don’t want the same things. Our goals are different. We are not a match (in my opinion).

I was starting to feel smothered and a little pressured when we were together, and not because of anything he did wrong as such, but because I knew how much he was in to me, and I felt kind of bad for not feeling exactly the same way.

So the problem for me is that he’s clearly holding out for me, he keeps telling me he loves me, and that he will wait for me, for as long as it takes.

I keep thinking to myself, “WHY can’t he just move on? Surely there are plenty of others out there for him? I’m not THAT great, am I???” (Ok, I’m pretty great, but still… lol) πŸ˜›

The problem with this is that it’s making me feel less for him than I did before. It’s like he’s not valuing himself enough in my eyes. He can do so much better than me, in the sense that there are other women out there who want exactly what he wants! Instead I feel pressure and guilt that I have this poor guy waiting around for me to magically change my mind…

He’s got me wayyy up there on that pedestal (and I mean WAYYYYYYY up there!), and that in itself feels like pressure to me.

I think he is a lovely guy, and I know that some day he’s going to make some girl extremely happy because he’s that awesome. But he’s just not for me. It doesn’t mean there is anything “wrong” with him – he’s just not somebody I can see myself with long term.

Am I a cow for rejecting him? I don’t think so – I know what I want, and I want to put myself first. I have other priorities and a relationship isn’t one of them. I want to be on my own for a bit before I think about going into a relationship again.

So yes, we’re all going to be rejected at some point, and it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you or him, and he’s not necessarily an asshole – it’s just that you’re not a good match, and that’s likely because you don’t want the same things.

So if a guy says to you through his words OR his actions, that he cannot offer you the relationship that you want, then girls, PLEASE do yourself a favour and move on!

Some day things may change for him, but if you’re looking at the reality that is right now, and he’s not stepping up, it’s because he DOESN’T WANT TO! It’s really that simple!

Get out there and start dating and fight that addiction you have for that dude who clearly isn’t on the same page you are – you owe it to yourself to keep your dignity and to get on with your life, knowing that you deserve the world, and some day, some awesome guy is going to offer you that on a silver platter.

He will be so obvious in his pursuit of you that you will wonder what the hell you were doing hanging out for the other dude!

The guy I was seeing, I would love nothing more than to see him completely happy with somebody that he is perfectly matched with. He thinks that’s me, but I know it’s not.

Love to all xxxxxxxxx

Are you being the girlfriend to a guy who’s not your boyfriend?

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I had dinner last night with a guy I used to date. We are close friends now, but once upon a time we were spending every free moment together. We were never heading towards “relationship territory” (long story, but it was agreed before we started dating that it could not be more), but he fell for me, despite his efforts not to.

I had strong feelings for him in that I cared for him deeply, but I did not want more from him, and that worked well for both of us.

So these strong feelings he had for me didn’t mean anything though because a relationship was never on the cards, but after our conversation last night, it was clear that when I was with him, I was “doing” everything right!

I’ll continue my story, and let’s call this guy Steve.

So to backtrack a year and a half, when I met a guy who later became my boyfriend, I didn’t see much of Steve, and he was very supportive of me and happy that I had met somebody who could give me the “whole package”. So he kept in touch occasionally to say hi, but that was it.

Steve went on to date another woman (let’s call her Lisa). Lisa was quite different to me, however she and Steve got along really well. They spent a lot of time together and had lots of fun, however Steve could tell she was falling for him, and he was feeling a little wary about that, and started pulling back.

Last night he told me how she would turn up at his house with cleaning products, and would start cleaning his house. Huh? They weren’t even in a relationship, but here she was acting like his girlfriend or wife!

I never cleaned his house. I never offered to cook for him. I never really did much for him at all, except show him gratitude and express how happy I was when I was with him. We had lots of fun and he spoiled me rotten, so I always showed my appreciation. But that’s all I ever did.

He told me many times how happy it made him to see the happy smile on my face (nawww!). :)

So he went on to say that he never really felt connected with her like he did with me, but here she was doing all these things for him. Why didn’t he feel the same way for her as he did for me? He also said that on many occasions he would feel the need to pull back even further, especially when she started leaving her personal items at his house!

What I learned from this conversation is that he is real living proof that to really connect with a man and have his feelings grow for you, all you have to “do” is just “be”!

We were not in a relationship, so I never felt the need to act like we were. I just remained warm and open and feminine and let him do all of the “doing”. HE took care of ME – not the other way around.

I guess he felt masculine when he was taking care of me, and it was nice for me to stay feminine and let him do just that. It worked perfectly in the sense that this guy couldn’t help but fall in love with me. Oops!

He and I are still good friends and will stay that way and we’ll both have each other in a special place in our hearts. I learned so much from my time with him – it was the best, and most fun lesson of my life! xxx

How to tell if a guy is into you

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I see it every day… a woman is angry or upset because the guy she’s dating isn’t stepping up. She’s always wondering if he really likes her, or if he’s just using her for sex.

She spends countless hours of her day psycho analysing his text messages, wondering why he’s not asked to see her on a given day, or even made contact in over 12 hours!

Here’s the thing…

If a guy is truly into you, you’ll know it. And you will know it without a doubt!

I learned a few years ago (the hard way) that it was important to let a man lead the way in a dating and relationship situation. So that meant that I had to learn to do what they call “leaning back”.

Leaning back is about letting a man come to me. Letting him initiate most contact, letting him plan dates, letting him take things where he wants them to go.

For the female control freaks of this world, that’s a whole different way of doing things, because it means that all of a sudden, you’re not sending him texts to ask what he’s doing on any given day, or asking to see him. What the??

I know I know… it’s scary to let that control go, right?

But let me tell you, from my experience, if you can master this leaning back thing, your love life is going to improve significantly!

Here’s one of two things that leaning back will accomplish:

  1. He will not make contact with you, and will basically fade over time.
  2. He will step up, will initiate contact, will plan dates, will show you where he wants things to go.

These are both good outcomes, and here’s why…

If he comes under the #1 category and starts to fade over time, he’s done you a favour. Who wants a guy who is not into them?? Duh! This guy is basically weeding himself out to make room for a new guy who will step up and become category #2!

If he’s #2, he’ll show you what he wants and where he wants this to go. He will leave no doubt as to where he’s at. And you will know he’s making contact with you, purely because he wants to, and not because he feels obligated.

So how can you tell if a guy is into you? Let’s see…

  • He initiates contact – a man does what he wants to do. He also doesn’t do what he doesn’t want to do. So if he is contacting you, it’s because he wants to!
  • He makes an effort to see you – same as the point above. He will make an effort to see you because he wants to.
  • He is open about how he feels about you – sometimes it takes time to reach this point, but if you keep that leaning back thing happening and let him lead the way, he’ll get there in his own time. Just watch your timelines vs his – they could be VERY different.
  • He compliments you, he does nice things for you, he shows through his words and his actions that he likes being with you.
  • You feel good when you’re with him and when you’re not. You feel secure with him, because he gives you no reason to feel insecure.

Ok, there’s probably loads more things a guy can show you that he’s into you, but bottom line is this… If he disappears for days on end, rarely makes contact, doesn’t really make much effort to talk to you, see you or make you happy, then you can rest assured that he’s lukewarm at best. xxx

What to do if you’re single and online dating isn’t for you

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IMG 2264I’ve been single for almost a month now (it feels like longer), and I’m now quite ok with the idea, except that I wasn’t all that thrilled about spending my child free Saturday night at home alone.

I got to thinking that I need to get out more, and at first I thought about dating, but then I realised that if I’m not going out, then my only option is online dating.

I just shuddered at the thought…

I do believe that for many (or even most?) people, online dating is definitely the way to go. Many of my friends have met their gorgeous partners online, and they are very happy. But the thought just makes me cringe!

For starters, I don’t want my coworkers to come accross a profile I’ve set up, and from what I’ve seen, many of the men just don’t cut it in my eyes. Ok it may be just a pic that I’m basing my judgement on, but seriously, it’s much easier to meet someone face to face and make a decision about whether you’d be prepared to date them or not.

Ok, so now what? I don’t want to do online dating, ALL of my friends are in relationships, so it’s not like I have anyone to go out and socialise with, and I’m definitely not going “there” with anyone I work with.

And that’s when a friend of mine reminded me of something: http://meetup.com.

This is a site where you can join groups of like-minded people who are interested in the types of activities you are interested in! It’s not a dating site, although there are “singles” groups, but it WILL get you out of the house and more likely to cross the path of the man of your dreams! In fact, a friend of mine met her man through a Meetup event, and now they’re happily married!

So check out Meetup and see what’s available – you just never know! πŸ˜‰

“I want to get my ex back” and other ways you can lower your value

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prove your worthAlright… I think this is going to come across quite harshly for some of you, but all too often I see women who are so focused on getting back an ex that dumped them for whatever reason.

He dumped you, remember???

Ok… so being dumped hurts – a lot! I know it becuase it happened to me – on Mother’s Day! OUCH!

But do I want to try and get him back?

Do I want somebody who doesn’t want to be with me???

Uh… NO WAY!!!

There could be a thousand reasons as to why you guys broke up, and it could be because of something you did, or something he did, or in 99.9999% of cases, it was a bit of both.

Either way, he felt compelled to end it with you, and now you’re alone and miserable and you’re now online, trying to find out how you can get this guy back.

Do you seriously want to be with a guy who doesn’t want to be with you? SERIOUSLY??? Do you seriously undervalue yourself that much??

As I mentioned above, my guy called me to dump me on Mother’s Day. Yep it hurt, and yes I was upset, and sad, and all of those things. I chose to keep my dignity intact and I calmly wished him well. I did not beg him to change his mind, and I am NOT looking for a way to get him back.

He may now be gone from my life forever, and I know I have to be ok with that. In fact, I AM ok with that. He’s not the last man on earth, and I’m positive that my relationship with him has helped me to grow in so many ways, even though it only lasted a short time.

But there is no way on this earth that I will lower myself to convince a man as to why he should be with me. If he doesn’t want to be with me, that is his choice, and it doesn’t matter what the reasons are. Bottom line is, he has made a CHOICE not to be with me, and I have to accept that.

All too soon the next guy will come along to show me why the last didn’t work out.

If you need to prove your worth to a man, that’s the moment you should walk away, as there is better out there for you… xxx

How to move on after a relationship breakup

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I recently spent a few magical days in Canada, and while I was over there, I received a call from my boyfriend.

He was calling to tell me that he was going back to his ex wife. They had separated last year, and we had known each other for close to a decade. We had been seeing each other for a couple of months, and something had happened over the weekend to bring him to this decision.

My intuition had been telling me something was up, and there it was. Wow.

My reaction was calm (I think I was in shock because things had been so great with us until this point), and he asked me why I wasn’t yelling at him. I wasn’t angry at him though, so why yell? Also, what would yelling achieve?? It would only make me feel worse and it wouldn’t bring him to change his mind, so I really didn’t see the point. I needed time to process this information.

So instead I wished him well and told him that I hoped (for his sake) that they were able to finally work things out, even though that meant I was alone yet again.

So here I am now, back home. I’m in my house alone, when we had planned for him to come and stay a few days, so that’s bringing up some sad and lonely feelings for me.

These feelings are ok, as long as I don’t let them consume me. He is just a guy, there are many more out there, and history proves (for me at least) that every new guy that has come into my life, has been an improvement on the last.

This gives me hope, because my boyfriend was wonderful. He was sweet, funny, affectionate, smart, and so much more. His only “fault”, which is actually an important and positive trait, is his dedication to his children.

But for now, it’s important that I don’t fall into a negative slump. Negative energy attracts more negative events, so it’s important that I turn this into a positive. So how do I do that?

Here are some pointers of what you can to do move on from a relationship breakup:

  • Set a new goal and start planning on how you are going to achieve it – I’ve decided to go back to Canada next year, and I want to learn to ski!
  • Focus on gratitude. Write down 5 things you are grateful for every day.
  • Get out of the house – don’t lock yourself away from the world, even if that’s exactly what you want to do.
  • Take care of yourself. Exercise regularly, eat healthy, make sure you look great when you go out. If you look good, you feel good.
  • Listen to motivational/inspirational audios.
  • If you’re not yet ready to get out there and date again, make plans with friends. Go out to lunch, catch up with your girlfriends for a few drinks after work.
  • Believe that your last relationship was there to show you what you want/don’t want in a man. My guy had so many awesome traits that the guy before him didn’t have. But I could have been happy with either. It seems the Universe has big plans for me, because the right guy is going to be incredible!
  • Be happy alone. Seems impossible when you’re in a funk, but if you can’t be happy on your own, how on earth can anyone else be happy when you’re around? Find ways to cheer yourself up. Focus only on the good in your life. Think up reasons why having a man in your life would be an inconvenience to you. For me it was about liking my own space. A man will reduce my ability to take my space when I want it.
  • KNOW that there is better out there for you. If you don’t believe there is someone out there for you, then you will be right. If you DO believe there’s an awesome man out there for you, then he is on his way!
  • Be patient. Everything comes to you in its own time, and when you are ready.

I could go on all day, but my main point here is that you MUST focus on the positive in order to achieve positive results in any part of your life.

If you’ve recently experienced a breakup, yes it will be painful. You will feel hurt and sad, and you will wonder what the point of the relationship was.

Either way, if you maintain a positive attitude towards life, it won’t be long before the reason for this breakup will become clear – and you’ll be glad it happened! xxx

Are you their priority or just an option?

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I have the pleasure of being a part of a group of women who regularly share stories of our lives, offering help and support to each other as we tackle life’s ups and downs.

Yesterday, one of these women shared a post that I would like to discuss…

She started off with this…

β€œNever allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” Mark Twain

She then went on to talk about how this is like an energy exchange between two people in a relationship.

What she said was that we pour our energy out towards someone that we make a priority in our lives, and that we also send love and emotional investment along with it.

When we are an option in somebody’s life, there is no love and investment coming back towards us, and our energy levels aren’t replenished – we’re sending it all out without getting it back in return.

Sometimes we receive a burst of this energy from our “Priority”, which in turn keeps us addicted and feeds our craving for this energy. This of course comes to us in short, unpredictable spurts, and brings about anxious and desperate feelings.

We become desperate for more, we walk on eggshells and we try too hard to please, we overfunction, and we are basically miserable.

Meanwhile, our energy levels get lower and lower, as we keep sending out this energy to our “Priority”, hoping they will eventually consider us their priority too.

Unfortunately, the harsh reality is that this does not happen. This is because once we “accept” this “Option” status with a man, that’s all we will ever be.

What’s so sad about this situation, is that we allow this to happen – we put ourselves there. We allow ourselves to be an option to someone we consider a priority. We therefore accept the crumbs on offer, and our self esteem suffers.

This is why it’s so important to seek a man who makes you his priority, then making him yours in return. That way your energy levels (and self esteem) remain balanced, and you find yourself in a relationship that is right and good for you. xxx

What causes some relationship problems?

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I’ve been thinking all day about what to write in today’s post, and I have struggled! But a friend of mine paid me a visit today, and she told me a few things about what’s been happening in her marriage.

She’s had relationship issues for many months now, and she’s attended counseling to get to the bottom of what’s going on.

What has really come to light is that a lot of the problems she’s having in her marriage are coming straight from her.

She realised this morning just how unsexy she feels, and she’s been saying to me for months that she just feels fat. This has nothing to do with him – this is totally her issue, and totally her choice that she stopped working out regularly, and eating properly.

This has spilled over into her relationship. Because she doesn’t feel sexy, she isn’t open to her husband’s advances, and he in turn feels rejected and gets upset with her, and the cycle continues.

So what can she do to fix this? I have a few ideas…

  1. Set a goal – not to lose weight, but another goal that requires her to lose weight. She has decided to get a family member to do a photoshoot next year. She will want to be looking HOT by then!
  2. Write down what she needs to do – how many times a week will she work out? What will she eat every day? She needs to ensure she’s doing things that will help her achieve her goal.
  3. Stop beating herself up – she’s where she is, due to her choices. But she has the power to change it. So while beating herself up about past mistakes may feel gratifying in some way, it achieves nothing.
  4. Get the support of her husband and friends. The more people you tell about your goal, the more likely you’ll stick with it.
  5. She needs to keep her eye on the prize! Do at least one thing every single day, to get her closer to her goal.

What often happens in a relationship is that we blame our partner for what turns out to be our own issues. But the reality is that many relationship issues come from within. xxx

Nagging vs Leaning Back – what would you choose?

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Let’s face it – guys can be clueless sometimes, and often they do things that seem to be with no thought as to our feelings. What’s with that??

So while I’m a huge advocate of keeping the communication lines open, this does NOT mean that I’m all for letting a man know, every time we are upset by something he has or hasn’t done!

Over the last four years, I’ve learned something really important:

Men respond better to actions, not words.

What does this mean?

Ok, so let’s say your guy spends too much time at the pub, drinking with his friends…

You have two options here:

  1. Every time he goes to the pub, let him know you’re not happy about it.
  2. Lean waaaayyyyy back!

Alright, so how well do you think the first option is going to work? How long do you think it’ll be before he perceives this as constant nagging? How long before he starts making plans to be at the pub more than he’s home, because he’s sick of that constant nagging? How much fun are you to be around when you do this??

So what about option 2? What’s “leaning back” anyway?

Leaning back is not about sitting so far back on your chair so that only the back two legs are touching the floor (in case you were thinking that), but rather about your mindset.

Leaning back is about taking your mind OFF what he’s doing, OFF him, and ON to you!

Stop making this guy the centre of your universe! YOU should be the centre of your universe, not him! That’s why leaning back is soooo important!

This will take time and practise to master, but here are a few things you can to do help you lean back from this guy – it’s about stepping back from actions you don’t like, rather than reminding him verbally, every time he does something that upsets you, plus it’s a good way to stay in your feminine power, and to really give yourself the loving it deserves.

To lean back, you could try the following:

  1. Make a list of things you love to do. Pick something off that list, and go and do it. Make sure it’s something you really need to focus on, so you’re not thinking about him.
  2. Catch up with a girlfriend you’ve not seen in a while. If you can’t go out, call someone.
  3. Read a really good book that you can really get stuck into.
  4. Go for a run or go to the gym and work out.
  5. Light some candles, put on some relaxing music, and take a bath – really pamper yourself for a bit.
  6. Paint your nails.
  7. Work out your purpose in life – do something that makes your heart sing.
  8. Declutter a room in your house.
  9. Cook up a storm while playing loud and uplifting music.
  10. Give back to the world – do some volunteer work.

Whatever you decide to do from this list (or a list you make yourself), make sure you focus 100% on the task. Whenever you notice your thoughts drifting back to him, mentally (or even out loud) say “Stop!”, then shift your thoughts back to the task.

The whole idea of this is about boosting your vibe so that when he returns, you will be your beautiful, warm and inviting self…You will feel happier and more relaxed and feel better about yourself (because you’ve done something that makes you feel good), and you will be someone he WANTS to come home to, and not someone he is trying to avoid.

You will also find that over time, this will really help you to see your own value. Stop making your guy more important to you, and stop letting him take up so much of your headspace.

Do this over the next few weeks, and watch your life change. xxx

Why did my man cheat? Some of the reasons behind infidelity…

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The first thing I want to say about this is that no man will cheat for no reason. A man who is 100% happy in his relationship and is having all of his needs met, will have no reason to cheat.

But all too many men do cheat, so it brings up the question as to why…

Firstly, let’s focus on us!

To feel happy and secure in a relationship, there are three things that must be in place.

These are:

  1. We must feel cherished.
  2. We must feel like we are cared for.
  3. We must feel secure with our man.

If any or all of these are missing, it’s likely we will withdraw or hold back from a man. Many women will hold back on sex, because they don’t feel emotionally safe with him. Some women cheat for this reason.

On the other hand, a man needs to feel:

  1. Like he is admired by us (possibly an ego thing?).
  2. Acknowledged.
  3. Appreciated for all of the things he does for us.

Again, if any or all of these things are missing, he may also withdraw or hold back. And again this is often why they tend to look outside of the marriage – to get the validation they’re not getting inside.

Infidelity is never black or white – there’s always two sides to the story, plus there’s the truth, which sits in that grey area.

If you suspect your man is cheating, have a good, long, hard and honest look at yourself first. How are you pushing your man away? Is there something YOU can do to improve the quality of your relationship?

Infidelity doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a relationship (although more often than not it does), and if you love your guy, then maybe there’s hope – if he also loves you.

But before things can get better, you both must look at your own part in this and make positive changes. Otherwise you can both keep doing what you’ve always done, and get the same results! xxx