How do you know he’s “the one”?

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Those of you who know me, will be aware of my interesting love life over the last 20+ years and I’ve often wondered why “the one” has alluded me. Why can’t I just meet “the one” and be done with it, like my parents did??

I’ve been abused, cheated on, had men go back to exes, a couple fled the country, and the list goes on, but I knew that each and every one of those men came into my life for a reason. Here are a couple of examples….

Some time after meeting my first husband, I thought he was “the one”.

He and I met when I was not in a great place emotionally, and my self esteem was rather low. He came along and pursued me like no man had ever done, and to be honest, I think it was that pursuit that sucked me in!

There were many good times with this man, however when the verbal and emotional abuse started, things started to turn toxic and in the end I had to walk away, at least for the sake of our daughter.

What I learned from that relationship was an understanding of how little I valued myself at the time. There’s no way I would tolerate such treatment today as I know I’m worthy of so much better than that.

The thing is, I attracted a man who was on the same “level” as I was. I felt bad about myself, so I attracted a man who would say and do things that would make me feel bad.

The relationship did however mean the creation of my beautiful daughter, so no matter how painful it was, the nine years I had with him taught me a lot and from it, I received the most beautiful gift.

Ok, so he was “the one” for me at the time….but not for a lifetime…

Next husband was, and still is a very good man. Again he was quite the pursuer, and he treated me so so well – compared to my previous husband, this guy was like the complete opposite, which was exactly what I needed! He was clearly into me, and was not shy in telling me so. He also gelled with my daughter extremely well. He became the father she never had (her father kind of opted out of her life on several occasions).

Things didn’t work out with him either, but he gave my daughter the precious gift of being a father figure for her, and is still there for her if she needs him. We also had a daughter together – yet another precious gift.

Our relationship had to end after 8 years for various reasons, but bottom line is that neither of us were happy. We remain on good terms today, however we’re just not meant to be.

So he was “the one” for me at the time, and he gave my daughter something her own father deprived her of. That is special.

Fast forward to over 3 months ago when I was introduced to the most incredibly amazing and wonderful man I’ve ever met, and I realise that my experiences of the past have made me who I am today, and they’ve prepared me for this meeting.

The old me would not have been right for this man, and he tells me he wouldn’t have been right for me either.

We’ve been working on ourselves over several years to get us to this point, and we can both honestly say that we are now our best selves.

I loved my life before he came along, and I love it even more now that he’s in it. Life with him in it is easy, calm, happy and fun. We have fun together, we respect each other, and we love that each of us has our own separate passions.

It’s only early days for us, but is he “the one”?

My gut says he is. It doesn’t mean we’re going to last forever (although I hope we do!), but it does mean that right now, he’s enhancing my already wonderful life, and I’m happy to see where that takes us!

I personally think that some people are lucky to find “the one” for life, just like my parents did. I also think that some people will have several “the ones” over their lifetime, until you’ve become the best version of yourself.

What do you think? Is this something you agree with, or do you have a different perspective?

Should I stay or should I leave? One way to help you make a very tough decision

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If you’re in a relationship that isn’t great, it’s not normally a simple decision to opt out of it – more often than not, there are a lot of things to consider before deciding whether to stay and work it out, or walk away.

What if you have kids? What about any combined assets? Do you have any cash put aside for a rainy day (if you don’t, this is always something that’s worth doing, no matter how good your relationship is!)?

You basically have three options at this point in time:

  1. Stay and try to work things out
  2. Stay and keep going as you are
  3. Leave

What often happens in a troubled relationship is that number 1 hasn’t worked, so you’re left with the remaining two options. But it’s still not a simple decision. Could you possibly live the way you are, for the rest of your life?

Before somebody walks from a relationship, the fear of things staying as they are is bigger than the fear of the unknown (walking away), but this isn’t often all that clear.

This is where the “Benefits and Drawbacks Grid” comes into play.

You see, what it does is get you to think of the benefits and drawbacks of both staying and leaving, and jot them down.

When you have all of these written down, it becomes painfully clear in the example below, that there’s not many reasons to stay listed there, and plenty of drawbacks for doing so.

 

Stay Leave
Benefits

– Family stays together
– Less “drama” to deal with
– Don’t have to sell the house/split assets

– A chance of meeting somebody who treats me how I want to be treated
– A chance to feel loved
– A chance to find happiness with myself
– My money will be my own – more control over my finances and therefore less financial struggle

Drawbacks

– I will feel unhappy
– I will feel trapped
– Finances will remain messy as they have been for years
– Lack of trust will eat at me
– Will start to resent him
– My sadness will likely eat at me and affect other family members
– Putting on a brave face is tiring

– I will need to start all over again
– I won’t be able to spend as much time with my daughter
– Family Breaks Apart
– House will be lost (sold)
– Having to admit that I failed (again)

This grid can be used for any other situation where you’re struggling to make a decision between two or more options.

I had a business client once use this to decide on the direction of her business. Writing each benefit and drawback on the grid really clarified for her which way she should take her business.

Do you have a situation where this tool would help you to make a tough decision?

How to move on after a breakup

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heartbreakLast Monday my boyfriend of three months (it was actually three months to the day since our first date) dropped the bombshell that he may have to move interstate, meaning that our relationship was basically doomed.

Without going into a lot of detail (as I wish to protect his privacy), there were a bunch of other things going on, and he told me he had to think about what he wanted to do about us.

I was obviouly stunned as things had been going very well with us, but I respected that he was dealing with some stuff right now. So I told him to go and work out what he wanted to do and I took a step back and let him go and work out what it was he wanted.

Fast forward to two days later and he told me that he could not do a relationship with anybody right now, given his situation and the various reasons he’d outlined two days prior.

Bottom line is, he did not want a relationship – with me – despite how perfect and wonderful I was and despite how strong his feelings were for me. What the?

My logical brain immediately started the “If I’m so great, then why can’t we just find a way to work this out?” dialog, but I value myself enough to NEVER beg a man to stay with me. If he wants out, then I’ll hold the door wide open for him.

You see, I don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t want to be with me. Why would I want that for myself, if only to bring me emotional pain?

So here’s what I told him: “If this is what you want, then I respect that. I feel sad that things couldn’t be worked out, but you have to do what feels right for you…”

We hugged, then I walked out his front door, knowing I would never visit his home again. Several tears were shed (by both of us) during that last visit…

Today is Sunday, so it’s been almost a week since the original bombshell was dropped and I’m doing well! I am focused on my goals again (this breakup has reignighted my passion to help others), I am focusing only on the positives in my life, and I am thinking of him only in fleeting moments, but no longer with sadness, but with gratitude instead. I had the pleasure of spending 3 months getting to know this lovely man and his beautiful children.

I wish for nothing but happiness for him and his beautiful family and just because he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with me, doesn’t make him a bad person. What it does make him is a bad person for ME, because as I said earlier, I don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t want to be with me!

So… how did I get to this point where I’m feeling not only ok, but really positive about my life, all in less than a week after our breakup?

Don’t get me wrong… I did experience a grieving process and the first few nights I hardly slept a wink. I also held a short pity party for myself, and trust me, it was NOT fun! It’s also not fun to think that yet again, I’ve got to go through the dating and getting to know somebody new, process – Ugh! I’ve done that a MILLION times! When will my big break come????

At the same time, I knew that I would be ok. I was happy before I met him, so of course I could be happy after he’s walked from my life. I also knew I had a whole lot of stuff to be grateful for, so here’s some of what I did over the last week:

  • I wrote in my gratitude journal – I listed several things every day, of what I am grateful for.
  • I focused on my upcoming girl’s weekend on a cruise ship – in 48 days I’ll be floating off on a comedy cruise with a bunch of girlfriends! Wooo! it’s always good to have something fun to look forward to.
  • I looked back at what the relationship had taught me – What did I gain in the way of knowledge and understanding of men in this relationship? What did I realise I DON’T want in future relationships (surprisingly there were quite a few things, despite how happy I was with him!!)? What did I realise I DO want in a future relationship (and again there were a few key things)?
  • I considered his reasons for not wanting to take things any further, and realised he had actually saved me from some seriously hard times in the future – what happened was actually in my best interests, long term!
  • And finally, I reminded myself that I am destined to do great things, so there would have to be an exceptionally amazing man out there who would be worthy enough to walk beside me on my journey. Clearly he and I have not met yet, and my now ex boyfriend was basically making some space for me to get ready to meet my “Mr Right”. Until then however, I am perfectly happy and ok on my own!

If you read back through my points above, you will notice a common, positive theme. I focused on all of the GOOD aspects of my life and of the breakup and of my former relationship.

Yes I learned some lessons, but learning is a GOOD thing, even if there were some tough and negative feelings felt initially.

I have the belief that I will be ok with or without a man – a man is not what I need to be complete – it’s happiness I want and need, and I can do that on my own, as can anybody else. It’s just a matter of makinc the CHOICE to be happy as opposed to sad and pining over a man who has opted out of your life. xxx <3

Should I get professional photos taken for my online dating profile?

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This post is for those ladies thinking of having professional pics taken for their dating profile.

My best advice about this is DON’T DO IT!!!

I’ve dated a few men, and my conversation with them and my latest guy yesterday was very telling about what happens from their perspective.

Bottom line is this:

Guys are visual, so they will often initiate contact with a woman who is visually appealing to them. Once contact has been established and it’s time to meet, they’re expecting to meet up with somebody who looks somewhat like their profile pic. Our expectation is the same, right?

So let’s say you got yourself all done up and had a bunch of professional pics taken (and let’s face it – if done right, they can make you look way more amazing than you think you look in real life), and use those pics for your profile. You may look pretty cute normally, but Photoshop and good lighting really served you when those pics were taken! 😉

Ok so now it’s time to meet up, and he’s expecting to meet what he perceives to be a supermodel, in the flesh. And then you turn up. You’re cute, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, but you don’t normally get around town looking like a supermodel, right? Who does???? Except super models maybe…

So what you’ve effectively done is deceived him by advertising yourself as somebody who only has a slight resemblance to you. How is that fair?

Imagine if some guy had done the same thing. His pics were HAWT, but when you meet in person, you’re severely let down as he looks nothing like his pics!

Same goes for the age of your photos. Make sure they’re recent and represent how you look NOW, and not 5 years ago! If a guy doesn’t want to talk to you based on what he sees, then he’s not worth your time and has effectively weeded himself out with zero effort from you!

My boyfriend hasn’t contacted me in two weeks but I can see he’s been on Facebook. What do I do?

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Ok, so you know he’s alive, but not so alive that he’s felt the need to make contact with you in the last two weeks.

How does that make you feel? I’m thinking you feel hurt, rejected, confused, and a whole lot of emotions that do not = happiness!

This guy may be your “boyfriend” in title, but he’s certainly not in his actions, and this is an important thing to consider.

Many guys have this thing where they “claim” you to take you off the market, so you can’t get snapped up by anybody else, but instead of acting like a boyfriend, he’s pretty much treating you like you’re an option.

There are two things you can do in this scenario:

  1. Accept
  2. Reject

It’s completely up to you. Do you want this to continue? Are you happy with this? Clearly you’re not or you wouldn’t be reading this article, looking for answers.

So how do you reject? Do you call him up and tell him that you reject his treatment of you??

Of course not!!!

Here’s what you do instead:

  1. Stop the urge to call or text him – do not contact him at all!
  2. Kick start your social life so that when he eventually does text or call, you will be busy if he wants to make plans.
  3. Consider dating others. I know this may feel a bit icky to start with, as he’s supposed to be your boyfriend, right? But how is a boyfriend supposed to be? Is he supposed to be MIA two weeks at a time?? If he’s not acting like a boyfriend, then he’s not your boyfriend and you’re single! So get out there!!!

I’m not sure you could “accept” this behaviour if it makes you feel bad. Instead you will tolerate it.

What happens over time if you do this, is that you start to get angry, really angry – at yourself for tolerating this crap! I’ve been there and I know this!

Remember, you are high value, and if you’re being treated like an option, it’s time to get out there and find a man who will treat you like a priority!

Why does my love life suck? Three things you need to stop in order to turn things around

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A long time ago, I used to be a bit of a control freak. In fact, I was so good at it that I often didn’t even realise I was being controlling at the time! This is extremely masculine, so I might as well have been a man dressed as a women. Ugh! No wonder I was either butting heads or emasculating my men!

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I can now clearly see what I was doing with the men in my life, and how it affected my relationships. It wasn’t pretty.

I wish I’d known this before, because my love life would’ve been soooo much easier! But as they say, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”, and that’s what happened for me.

If your love life isn’t as you wished it would be, there’s a strong chance you’re doing one of the following things, that you need to absolutely STOP doing, starting right now!

Here they are:

1. You’re trying to control your partner – there’s maybe something about him that you don’t like, so you’re trying to get him to change. You could be attempting to manipulate him, or maybe you’re nagging him to change whatever it is you don’t like. Sometimes it’s so subtle, you may not realise you’re doing this, so some self-reflection is needed here, and be honest with yourself.

2. You’re trying to control the outcome – similar to the previous point, you’re wanting things to go a certain way, and you’re doing or saying things to try to change the outcome. You really need to stop all this doing!!!

3. You keep criticising, judging, advising, warning, coaxing, or trying to change him. Please stop this. He doesn’t need another parent, nor does he need another “man” in his life…. Also, you cannot change a man. Ever! Don’t even waste your energy trying to do so! Trust me! 😉

Ok, so there they are. And as you can see, these things are all about doing and about control.

As a woman, it’s important that you do not take on the masculine role of doing and controlling – that’s the man’s job!

If your relationships haven’t gone well in the past, experiment with stopping these things and see if it makes a difference to your love life! I’ve seen it first-hand, and I know you will too! <3

How to attract a good man

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A long long time ago, I didn’t like myself very much. My self esteem was very low and I wasn’t a happy girl at all.

I didn’t realise this at the time, but while I acted positive to the outside world, it was my inner thoughts that were ruling my life – those thoughts I wasn’t necesssarily conscious of, and they weren’t good thoughts.

There was a problem with this, and it shaped a big part of what was to become my life for 9 years.

You see, when you have these feelings of not being enough, of not liking yourself, you’re sending a message out to the Universe. You’re basically asking the Universe to send you more of the same.

So what did I attract?

I attracted a man who treated me the way I felt about myself – he treated me like I wasn’t good enough, he treated me as though he hated my guts sometimes!

What’s weird about this is that on some level I always knew he did love me, but he sure had a shitty way of showing it!

The day I walked away from that man was life-changing. I vowed to myself that I would never let myself go down that road again, and while I’ve had some challenging relationships since then, none were as volatile as this one.

Fast forward several years to now, after I’ve done a LOT of inner work, and there is no way a man like that would even be within my circles. I just don’t interact with men who are on that level. Instead I’m attracting good, caring, genuine men who are successful and treat me like a queen.

So what’s changed?

I’ve changed – a LOT!

I don’t just like myself, I LOVE who I have become! I am working in a job that I love, I have two beautiful daughters that I love dearly, I have good friends and family around me, I have many male admirers (one of whom would put a ring on my finger if I said the word), I am confident and I am truly happy.

So because I now value myself so much, it’s like I’ve filtered out the men who would treat a woman as low value. I’m only attracting good, quality men. Yes, I’m still single, and that’s in part due to circumstances outside of myself, but I’m perfectly ok with that.

Low value men no longer stand a chance with me, because I value myself enough that I won’t even let them in anymore. And even if a low value man was able to “trick” his way into my life, he wouldn’t last long. Why? Because I have this strong belief that to make room for what you want, you must remove from your life what you don’t want. And I’d have no issues with doing that.

So the trick to attracting a good man is to first love and value yourself more than you love and value anybody else. That way you will make the right choices for you, and won’t tolerate what doesn’t serve you.

What happens when you do that is that you become this attracting force that men can’t resist, and all you have to do is weed out those that don’t meet your very high standards! Easy peasy! 😉

Upset because your guy isn’t texting or calling? Time to put things in perspective!

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Stressing about whether some dude has called or texted you in the last few days??

Some time ago a friend of mine wrote a book to tell her story, and it was her story that seriously woke me up to what’s important in life – and it’s not some guy who doesn’t text or call!

This friend lost her husband when he committed suicide. They’d been arguing a lot and one night she decided to stay at a gf’s house. The next morning she arrived home to find the police there – he had killed himself.

She went into a deep depression after this, and a year later decided to take her own life in Bali (so her parents wouldn’t have to ID her body).

Her friends found out she was going to Bali and invited themselves along because they thought she was going as a tribute to her husband as it was a year after his death, and they wanted to support her. She didn’t have the energy to tell them no.

Their first night in Bali, they were at a bar when it was blown up (the Bali bombings). Her friends were killed. And she survived.

I can’t even try to understand or even imagine what she went through, despite reading all about it in her book. I did cry a lot!

But the thing is, what I go through on a day to day basis is nowhere near close to what she’s been through.

So it’s time to put things in perspective people!

He’s just a guy! If he doesn’t text, it’s because he doesn’t want to. If he’s not making you feel cherished, he doesn’t want to!

And if you don’t like that, go find someone who will. Your issues are an easy fix compared to hers, don’t you think??? xxx

Could your partner be cheating on you?

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Are things not going as well with your man as you would like it to? Does something feel off, but you’re not sure what it is? Could your partner be cheating on you??

Almost a decade ago I met a couple who were telling me that for 25 years of their marriage, he had been cheating on her. What the? Why on earth were they still together???? I was intrigued by their story and I learned a lot from it. I spent a great deal of time talking to this couple about the workings of their marriage, and I will never forget what they taught me.

This couple were doing their thing, teaching other couples how to deal with infidelity, whether it means staying together or amicably going your separate ways, but what I found most intriguing were the reasons behind why a cheater cheats.

Many people are quick to point the finger at the cheater, and while I will never condone cheating, I now have an understanding of why somebody cheats.

Basically it comes down to the 3 A’s and the 3C’s. What are they, you ask? Let me elaborate:

For men:

Acknowledged – a man needs to feel acknowledged for what he does.

Appreciated – a man needs to know that whatever he does, it’s appreciated

Admired – a man needs to feel admired for what he does (probably an ego thing!)

 

For women:

Cherished – a woman needs to feel cherished by her man

Cared for – a woman needs to know that her man will take care of her

Certainty – a woman needs security, a certainty that he’s there for her

 

Seems pretty basic huh, but if any of these things are missing, it’s likely one of you is going to stray, and more often than not, it’s the man.

As I’m writing this from a female perspective (and not because I want to bash men), I’m going to talk more about why a man cheats.

Do you get stuck into your guy the second he walks in the door? Are you acting all controlling or making him wrong for everything he does? Does he constantly let you down and do you constantly remind him of this fact?

I know a man who cheated on his wife, and he told me that while he was at work, he was a superstar. Everybody loved and admired him – everybody showed their appreciation for his hard work, and he never felt like he was letting somebody down.

On the other hand, the second he walked in the door at home, he could not do a single thing right. All of a sudden that pedestal he had been on all day, was ripped away.

Can you see why he had to get his validation elsewhere? His wife certainly wasn’t giving him any. He never felt like he was good enough.

But let’s look at things from her perspective… He was rarely home, as he was working so hard, so some of those 3 C’s were missing for her too.

But was it a good idea for her to handle her frustration the way she did, making him “wrong” for everything he did?

If Dr Phil was talking to her, he would ask, “How’s that working for you?”

I’m betting not well.

So… while your partner could be cheating on you, what are YOU doing to push him away?

I don’t agree with cheating, but I do understand why people do it, and if you suspect your guy is cheating, please stop and look at how pleasant you are to be around.

Maybe you could handle things differently? Maybe you can show appreciation for the good things, and take some space when you notice the bad? Maybe you need to get more of a life outside of him, so you’re not relying on him as your sole source of entertainment?

Either way, what you’re doing now isn’t working, so why not try something different? <3

Pining over some guy? Here’s things from another perspective…

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This is an edited version of something I posted elsewhere recently. Too many women out there are pining for some guy who clearly doesn’t want what they want, but they hang out for him anyway, and it really makes me cringe….this is why – this is my perspective with the tables turned…

I ended things with a guy several weeks ago, and not because he’s a bad guy or anything like that (he’s a lovely man with a very good heart), but because firstly a relationship right now is not a prority for me. I also felt as though something was “off” or not quite right for me. We don’t want the same things. Our goals are different. We are not a match (in my opinion).

I was starting to feel smothered and a little pressured when we were together, and not because of anything he did wrong as such, but because I knew how much he was in to me, and I felt kind of bad for not feeling exactly the same way.

So the problem for me is that he’s clearly holding out for me, he keeps telling me he loves me, and that he will wait for me, for as long as it takes.

I keep thinking to myself, “WHY can’t he just move on? Surely there are plenty of others out there for him? I’m not THAT great, am I???” (Ok, I’m pretty great, but still… lol) 😛

The problem with this is that it’s making me feel less for him than I did before. It’s like he’s not valuing himself enough in my eyes. He can do so much better than me, in the sense that there are other women out there who want exactly what he wants! Instead I feel pressure and guilt that I have this poor guy waiting around for me to magically change my mind…

He’s got me wayyy up there on that pedestal (and I mean WAYYYYYYY up there!), and that in itself feels like pressure to me.

I think he is a lovely guy, and I know that some day he’s going to make some girl extremely happy because he’s that awesome. But he’s just not for me. It doesn’t mean there is anything “wrong” with him – he’s just not somebody I can see myself with long term.

Am I a cow for rejecting him? I don’t think so – I know what I want, and I want to put myself first. I have other priorities and a relationship isn’t one of them. I want to be on my own for a bit before I think about going into a relationship again.

So yes, we’re all going to be rejected at some point, and it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you or him, and he’s not necessarily an asshole – it’s just that you’re not a good match, and that’s likely because you don’t want the same things.

So if a guy says to you through his words OR his actions, that he cannot offer you the relationship that you want, then girls, PLEASE do yourself a favour and move on!

Some day things may change for him, but if you’re looking at the reality that is right now, and he’s not stepping up, it’s because he DOESN’T WANT TO! It’s really that simple!

Get out there and start dating and fight that addiction you have for that dude who clearly isn’t on the same page you are – you owe it to yourself to keep your dignity and to get on with your life, knowing that you deserve the world, and some day, some awesome guy is going to offer you that on a silver platter.

He will be so obvious in his pursuit of you that you will wonder what the hell you were doing hanging out for the other dude!

The guy I was seeing, I would love nothing more than to see him completely happy with somebody that he is perfectly matched with. He thinks that’s me, but I know it’s not.

Love to all xxxxxxxxx