What to do if somebody is trying to bring you down

above.jpg

above

Have you ever felt that no matter what you do, a certain person will always put you down?

Many years ago, I was married quite unhappily to a man who did not have a single nice thing to say to me. It really hurt, and over time, my self confidence took a beating, to the point where I had almost none left!

Why was he doing this? Why couldn’t he see me for the good and loving person that I was?? I just couldn’t work it out!

I didn’t have the answer at the time, so I stuck around for many years, hoping that some day he would wake up and realise how good he had it, and he’d miraculously start to treat me like he cherished me, as any woman would want to be treated. Obviously we all know how that went, and I ended up walking (more like running!) away.

Oh if only I knew then what I do now! And I sadly see this happening everywhere!

What I now know is that this man was sooo down on himself and lacking in self esteem, that he kept picking on everything I did as his way of bringing me down, as he knew on some level (likely subconscious) that he was below me. He KNEW I could do better, but he didn’t want me to work that out!

My partner’s ex also used to beat him down emotionally too, as she was so lacking in self esteem, that she needed to keep him down with her, so she could maintain control over him.

So what do you do if somebody keeps trying to bring you down?

My first answer would be to gain the awareness of what they’re doing and observe – note when they’re acting this way and how they’re trying to make you feel bad. If you can understand why somebody does certain things, it helps you to deal with it. Also, they can’t make you feel bad – you have a choice about how to feel in these situations!

Next, you need to stop letting them drag you into that hole they’re in. If it’s a friend or acquaintance, it’s easy – just distance yourself from them. But if it’s a significant other, you have a problem, because many of these people don’t like to admit that they have a problem.

If you’re in a relationship with somebody who does this, try these:

  • Ask them to stop, and leave the room – they can’t bring you down if you’re not in the room with them!
  • Is this a deal breaker? If so, and there’s no chance they’ll become voilent with you, tell them to stop or you’re outta there as you don’t deserve to be treated that way! If there is a chance of violence, then girl, what the hell are you still doing there?? GET OUT!!!
  • Focus on building up your own confidence as much as possible. The more confident you get, the less chance they’ll have to keep bringing you down to their level.
  • This person likely needs to get some help. But it’s got to be something they want to do.
  • Get busy – the less time you spend with that energy drainer, the better. When they ask why you’re so busy all of a sudden, be honest with them. Tell them you don’t like how they’re putting you down, so you’d rather focus on things that make you happy. They’ll either change their tune, or they won’t.

To be honest, most of these types of people won’t own the fact that they have a problem, and in most cases, you’re better off walking away. But… some won’t be aware of what they’ve been doing and will work to correct this behaviour. If you are dealing with the latter, that’s great! You can be there to support them and you may notice a really wonderful and positive change.

If you’re dealing with the former, those who won’t admit they have an problem or see what they’re doing as an issue (they’ll likely tell you you’re an idiot for feeling bad, because they “didn’t mean it” or words to that effect), then it’s going to be a case of accept or reject. Accept it and live your life being treated that way and be ok with it, or reject it, walk away and find somebody who will cherish you instead.

I chose to walk and am happy I did. <3

Why am I still single??

selfconfidence101.jpg

selfconfidence101Since 2010 I’ve spent a lot of time being single, and it’s been an interesting journey. While I believed I was a good catch, why was I single for so long? (I did finally meet my wonderful man in 2016, which is good news!)

Anyway, prior to meeting him, I had friends (both male and female) telling me how wonderful I was, how easygoing and laid back I was, and how gorgeous I was.

My reply? “Well if I’m so darn wonderful, why the hell am I still single????”

Yeah, you start to get a complex when you have a string of them either “leaving the country” or going back to an ex, and you begin to wonder what is wrong with you!

But here’s what learned… “You can be the ripest, juciest, yummiest peach in the world, but there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches…”

This doesn’t mean that these guys “hated” me, but what it did mean was that we just weren’t a match!

You meet, he thinks you’re an apple, and over time he realises you’re a peach, and he doesn’t like peaches. It doesn’t mean you’re bad for being a peach or that you should change who you are, but what it does mean is that he’s looking for an apple.

We all know that peaches can’t turn into apples. It’s impossible! So you can’t possibly become what he wants. You’re just not a match! It’s really that simple!

Sometimes it takes him a while to realise you’re a peach, so this kind of drags the pain out, but the fact remains – he wants apples, and you’re a peach.

There is a good news story at the end of this, and that is that for every peach hater out there, there are just as many (if not more) peach lovers out there, and your job is to just get yourself out there living your life, until you finally meet Mr Peach Lover!

When you meet Mr Peach Lover, it will become pretty obvious, that he most definitely loves peaches and he’s never going to want to let you go! Yummy! <3

How do you know he’s “the one”?

Butterfly 70x70

Those of you who know me, will be aware of my interesting love life over the last 20+ years and I’ve often wondered why “the one” has alluded me. Why can’t I just meet “the one” and be done with it, like my parents did??

I’ve been abused, cheated on, had men go back to exes, a couple fled the country, and the list goes on, but I knew that each and every one of those men came into my life for a reason. Here are a couple of examples….

Some time after meeting my first husband, I thought he was “the one”.

He and I met when I was not in a great place emotionally, and my self esteem was rather low. He came along and pursued me like no man had ever done, and to be honest, I think it was that pursuit that sucked me in!

There were many good times with this man, however when the verbal and emotional abuse started, things started to turn toxic and in the end I had to walk away, at least for the sake of our daughter.

What I learned from that relationship was an understanding of how little I valued myself at the time. There’s no way I would tolerate such treatment today as I know I’m worthy of so much better than that.

The thing is, I attracted a man who was on the same “level” as I was. I felt bad about myself, so I attracted a man who would say and do things that would make me feel bad.

The relationship did however mean the creation of my beautiful daughter, so no matter how painful it was, the nine years I had with him taught me a lot and from it, I received the most beautiful gift.

Ok, so he was “the one” for me at the time….but not for a lifetime…

Next husband was, and still is a very good man. Again he was quite the pursuer, and he treated me so so well – compared to my previous husband, this guy was like the complete opposite, which was exactly what I needed! He was clearly into me, and was not shy in telling me so. He also gelled with my daughter extremely well. He became the father she never had (her father kind of opted out of her life on several occasions).

Things didn’t work out with him either, but he gave my daughter the precious gift of being a father figure for her, and is still there for her if she needs him. We also had a daughter together – yet another precious gift.

Our relationship had to end after 8 years for various reasons, but bottom line is that neither of us were happy. We remain on good terms today, however we’re just not meant to be.

So he was “the one” for me at the time, and he gave my daughter something her own father deprived her of. That is special.

Fast forward to over 3 months ago when I was introduced to the most incredibly amazing and wonderful man I’ve ever met, and I realise that my experiences of the past have made me who I am today, and they’ve prepared me for this meeting.

The old me would not have been right for this man, and he tells me he wouldn’t have been right for me either.

We’ve been working on ourselves over several years to get us to this point, and we can both honestly say that we are now our best selves.

I loved my life before he came along, and I love it even more now that he’s in it. Life with him in it is easy, calm, happy and fun. We have fun together, we respect each other, and we love that each of us has our own separate passions.

It’s only early days for us, but is he “the one”?

My gut says he is. It doesn’t mean we’re going to last forever (although I hope we do!), but it does mean that right now, he’s enhancing my already wonderful life, and I’m happy to see where that takes us!

I personally think that some people are lucky to find “the one” for life, just like my parents did. I also think that some people will have several “the ones” over their lifetime, until you’ve become the best version of yourself.

What do you think? Is this something you agree with, or do you have a different perspective?

Should I stay or should I leave? One way to help you make a very tough decision

Butterfly 70x70

If you’re in a relationship that isn’t great, it’s not normally a simple decision to opt out of it – more often than not, there are a lot of things to consider before deciding whether to stay and work it out, or walk away.

What if you have kids? What about any combined assets? Do you have any cash put aside for a rainy day (if you don’t, this is always something that’s worth doing, no matter how good your relationship is!)?

You basically have three options at this point in time:

  1. Stay and try to work things out
  2. Stay and keep going as you are
  3. Leave

What often happens in a troubled relationship is that number 1 hasn’t worked, so you’re left with the remaining two options. But it’s still not a simple decision. Could you possibly live the way you are, for the rest of your life?

Before somebody walks from a relationship, the fear of things staying as they are is bigger than the fear of the unknown (walking away), but this isn’t often all that clear.

This is where the “Benefits and Drawbacks Grid” comes into play.

You see, what it does is get you to think of the benefits and drawbacks of both staying and leaving, and jot them down.

When you have all of these written down, it becomes painfully clear in the example below, that there’s not many reasons to stay listed there, and plenty of drawbacks for doing so.

 

Stay Leave
Benefits

– Family stays together
– Less “drama” to deal with
– Don’t have to sell the house/split assets

– A chance of meeting somebody who treats me how I want to be treated
– A chance to feel loved
– A chance to find happiness with myself
– My money will be my own – more control over my finances and therefore less financial struggle

Drawbacks

– I will feel unhappy
– I will feel trapped
– Finances will remain messy as they have been for years
– Lack of trust will eat at me
– Will start to resent him
– My sadness will likely eat at me and affect other family members
– Putting on a brave face is tiring

– I will need to start all over again
– I won’t be able to spend as much time with my daughter
– Family Breaks Apart
– House will be lost (sold)
– Having to admit that I failed (again)

This grid can be used for any other situation where you’re struggling to make a decision between two or more options.

I had a business client once use this to decide on the direction of her business. Writing each benefit and drawback on the grid really clarified for her which way she should take her business.

Do you have a situation where this tool would help you to make a tough decision?

How to move on after a breakup

heartbreak.jpg

heartbreakLast Monday my boyfriend of three months (it was actually three months to the day since our first date) dropped the bombshell that he may have to move interstate, meaning that our relationship was basically doomed.

Without going into a lot of detail (as I wish to protect his privacy), there were a bunch of other things going on, and he told me he had to think about what he wanted to do about us.

I was obviouly stunned as things had been going very well with us, but I respected that he was dealing with some stuff right now. So I told him to go and work out what he wanted to do and I took a step back and let him go and work out what it was he wanted.

Fast forward to two days later and he told me that he could not do a relationship with anybody right now, given his situation and the various reasons he’d outlined two days prior.

Bottom line is, he did not want a relationship – with me – despite how perfect and wonderful I was and despite how strong his feelings were for me. What the?

My logical brain immediately started the “If I’m so great, then why can’t we just find a way to work this out?” dialog, but I value myself enough to NEVER beg a man to stay with me. If he wants out, then I’ll hold the door wide open for him.

You see, I don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t want to be with me. Why would I want that for myself, if only to bring me emotional pain?

So here’s what I told him: “If this is what you want, then I respect that. I feel sad that things couldn’t be worked out, but you have to do what feels right for you…”

We hugged, then I walked out his front door, knowing I would never visit his home again. Several tears were shed (by both of us) during that last visit…

Today is Sunday, so it’s been almost a week since the original bombshell was dropped and I’m doing well! I am focused on my goals again (this breakup has reignighted my passion to help others), I am focusing only on the positives in my life, and I am thinking of him only in fleeting moments, but no longer with sadness, but with gratitude instead. I had the pleasure of spending 3 months getting to know this lovely man and his beautiful children.

I wish for nothing but happiness for him and his beautiful family and just because he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with me, doesn’t make him a bad person. What it does make him is a bad person for ME, because as I said earlier, I don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t want to be with me!

So… how did I get to this point where I’m feeling not only ok, but really positive about my life, all in less than a week after our breakup?

Don’t get me wrong… I did experience a grieving process and the first few nights I hardly slept a wink. I also held a short pity party for myself, and trust me, it was NOT fun! It’s also not fun to think that yet again, I’ve got to go through the dating and getting to know somebody new, process – Ugh! I’ve done that a MILLION times! When will my big break come????

At the same time, I knew that I would be ok. I was happy before I met him, so of course I could be happy after he’s walked from my life. I also knew I had a whole lot of stuff to be grateful for, so here’s some of what I did over the last week:

  • I wrote in my gratitude journal – I listed several things every day, of what I am grateful for.
  • I focused on my upcoming girl’s weekend on a cruise ship – in 48 days I’ll be floating off on a comedy cruise with a bunch of girlfriends! Wooo! it’s always good to have something fun to look forward to.
  • I looked back at what the relationship had taught me – What did I gain in the way of knowledge and understanding of men in this relationship? What did I realise I DON’T want in future relationships (surprisingly there were quite a few things, despite how happy I was with him!!)? What did I realise I DO want in a future relationship (and again there were a few key things)?
  • I considered his reasons for not wanting to take things any further, and realised he had actually saved me from some seriously hard times in the future – what happened was actually in my best interests, long term!
  • And finally, I reminded myself that I am destined to do great things, so there would have to be an exceptionally amazing man out there who would be worthy enough to walk beside me on my journey. Clearly he and I have not met yet, and my now ex boyfriend was basically making some space for me to get ready to meet my “Mr Right”. Until then however, I am perfectly happy and ok on my own!

If you read back through my points above, you will notice a common, positive theme. I focused on all of the GOOD aspects of my life and of the breakup and of my former relationship.

Yes I learned some lessons, but learning is a GOOD thing, even if there were some tough and negative feelings felt initially.

I have the belief that I will be ok with or without a man – a man is not what I need to be complete – it’s happiness I want and need, and I can do that on my own, as can anybody else. It’s just a matter of makinc the CHOICE to be happy as opposed to sad and pining over a man who has opted out of your life. xxx <3

Should I get professional photos taken for my online dating profile?

Butterfly 70x70

This post is for those ladies thinking of having professional pics taken for their dating profile.

My best advice about this is DON’T DO IT!!!

I’ve dated a few men, and my conversation with them and my latest guy yesterday was very telling about what happens from their perspective.

Bottom line is this:

Guys are visual, so they will often initiate contact with a woman who is visually appealing to them. Once contact has been established and it’s time to meet, they’re expecting to meet up with somebody who looks somewhat like their profile pic. Our expectation is the same, right?

So let’s say you got yourself all done up and had a bunch of professional pics taken (and let’s face it – if done right, they can make you look way more amazing than you think you look in real life), and use those pics for your profile. You may look pretty cute normally, but Photoshop and good lighting really served you when those pics were taken! 😉

Ok so now it’s time to meet up, and he’s expecting to meet what he perceives to be a supermodel, in the flesh. And then you turn up. You’re cute, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, but you don’t normally get around town looking like a supermodel, right? Who does???? Except super models maybe…

So what you’ve effectively done is deceived him by advertising yourself as somebody who only has a slight resemblance to you. How is that fair?

Imagine if some guy had done the same thing. His pics were HAWT, but when you meet in person, you’re severely let down as he looks nothing like his pics!

Same goes for the age of your photos. Make sure they’re recent and represent how you look NOW, and not 5 years ago! If a guy doesn’t want to talk to you based on what he sees, then he’s not worth your time and has effectively weeded himself out with zero effort from you!

My boyfriend hasn’t contacted me in two weeks but I can see he’s been on Facebook. What do I do?

Butterfly 70x70

Ok, so you know he’s alive, but not so alive that he’s felt the need to make contact with you in the last two weeks.

How does that make you feel? I’m thinking you feel hurt, rejected, confused, and a whole lot of emotions that do not = happiness!

This guy may be your “boyfriend” in title, but he’s certainly not in his actions, and this is an important thing to consider.

Many guys have this thing where they “claim” you to take you off the market, so you can’t get snapped up by anybody else, but instead of acting like a boyfriend, he’s pretty much treating you like you’re an option.

There are two things you can do in this scenario:

  1. Accept
  2. Reject

It’s completely up to you. Do you want this to continue? Are you happy with this? Clearly you’re not or you wouldn’t be reading this article, looking for answers.

So how do you reject? Do you call him up and tell him that you reject his treatment of you??

Of course not!!!

Here’s what you do instead:

  1. Stop the urge to call or text him – do not contact him at all!
  2. Kick start your social life so that when he eventually does text or call, you will be busy if he wants to make plans.
  3. Consider dating others. I know this may feel a bit icky to start with, as he’s supposed to be your boyfriend, right? But how is a boyfriend supposed to be? Is he supposed to be MIA two weeks at a time?? If he’s not acting like a boyfriend, then he’s not your boyfriend and you’re single! So get out there!!!

I’m not sure you could “accept” this behaviour if it makes you feel bad. Instead you will tolerate it.

What happens over time if you do this, is that you start to get angry, really angry – at yourself for tolerating this crap! I’ve been there and I know this!

Remember, you are high value, and if you’re being treated like an option, it’s time to get out there and find a man who will treat you like a priority!

Why does my love life suck? Three things you need to stop in order to turn things around

Butterfly 70x70

A long time ago, I used to be a bit of a control freak. In fact, I was so good at it that I often didn’t even realise I was being controlling at the time! This is extremely masculine, so I might as well have been a man dressed as a women. Ugh! No wonder I was either butting heads or emasculating my men!

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I can now clearly see what I was doing with the men in my life, and how it affected my relationships. It wasn’t pretty.

I wish I’d known this before, because my love life would’ve been soooo much easier! But as they say, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”, and that’s what happened for me.

If your love life isn’t as you wished it would be, there’s a strong chance you’re doing one of the following things, that you need to absolutely STOP doing, starting right now!

Here they are:

1. You’re trying to control your partner – there’s maybe something about him that you don’t like, so you’re trying to get him to change. You could be attempting to manipulate him, or maybe you’re nagging him to change whatever it is you don’t like. Sometimes it’s so subtle, you may not realise you’re doing this, so some self-reflection is needed here, and be honest with yourself.

2. You’re trying to control the outcome – similar to the previous point, you’re wanting things to go a certain way, and you’re doing or saying things to try to change the outcome. You really need to stop all this doing!!!

3. You keep criticising, judging, advising, warning, coaxing, or trying to change him. Please stop this. He doesn’t need another parent, nor does he need another “man” in his life…. Also, you cannot change a man. Ever! Don’t even waste your energy trying to do so! Trust me! 😉

Ok, so there they are. And as you can see, these things are all about doing and about control.

As a woman, it’s important that you do not take on the masculine role of doing and controlling – that’s the man’s job!

If your relationships haven’t gone well in the past, experiment with stopping these things and see if it makes a difference to your love life! I’ve seen it first-hand, and I know you will too! <3

How to attract a good man

Butterfly 70x70

A long long time ago, I didn’t like myself very much. My self esteem was very low and I wasn’t a happy girl at all.

I didn’t realise this at the time, but while I acted positive to the outside world, it was my inner thoughts that were ruling my life – those thoughts I wasn’t necesssarily conscious of, and they weren’t good thoughts.

There was a problem with this, and it shaped a big part of what was to become my life for 9 years.

You see, when you have these feelings of not being enough, of not liking yourself, you’re sending a message out to the Universe. You’re basically asking the Universe to send you more of the same.

So what did I attract?

I attracted a man who treated me the way I felt about myself – he treated me like I wasn’t good enough, he treated me as though he hated my guts sometimes!

What’s weird about this is that on some level I always knew he did love me, but he sure had a shitty way of showing it!

The day I walked away from that man was life-changing. I vowed to myself that I would never let myself go down that road again, and while I’ve had some challenging relationships since then, none were as volatile as this one.

Fast forward several years to now, after I’ve done a LOT of inner work, and there is no way a man like that would even be within my circles. I just don’t interact with men who are on that level. Instead I’m attracting good, caring, genuine men who are successful and treat me like a queen.

So what’s changed?

I’ve changed – a LOT!

I don’t just like myself, I LOVE who I have become! I am working in a job that I love, I have two beautiful daughters that I love dearly, I have good friends and family around me, I have many male admirers (one of whom would put a ring on my finger if I said the word), I am confident and I am truly happy.

So because I now value myself so much, it’s like I’ve filtered out the men who would treat a woman as low value. I’m only attracting good, quality men. Yes, I’m still single, and that’s in part due to circumstances outside of myself, but I’m perfectly ok with that.

Low value men no longer stand a chance with me, because I value myself enough that I won’t even let them in anymore. And even if a low value man was able to “trick” his way into my life, he wouldn’t last long. Why? Because I have this strong belief that to make room for what you want, you must remove from your life what you don’t want. And I’d have no issues with doing that.

So the trick to attracting a good man is to first love and value yourself more than you love and value anybody else. That way you will make the right choices for you, and won’t tolerate what doesn’t serve you.

What happens when you do that is that you become this attracting force that men can’t resist, and all you have to do is weed out those that don’t meet your very high standards! Easy peasy! 😉

Upset because your guy isn’t texting or calling? Time to put things in perspective!

Butterfly 70x70

Stressing about whether some dude has called or texted you in the last few days??

Some time ago a friend of mine wrote a book to tell her story, and it was her story that seriously woke me up to what’s important in life – and it’s not some guy who doesn’t text or call!

This friend lost her husband when he committed suicide. They’d been arguing a lot and one night she decided to stay at a gf’s house. The next morning she arrived home to find the police there – he had killed himself.

She went into a deep depression after this, and a year later decided to take her own life in Bali (so her parents wouldn’t have to ID her body).

Her friends found out she was going to Bali and invited themselves along because they thought she was going as a tribute to her husband as it was a year after his death, and they wanted to support her. She didn’t have the energy to tell them no.

Their first night in Bali, they were at a bar when it was blown up (the Bali bombings). Her friends were killed. And she survived.

I can’t even try to understand or even imagine what she went through, despite reading all about it in her book. I did cry a lot!

But the thing is, what I go through on a day to day basis is nowhere near close to what she’s been through.

So it’s time to put things in perspective people!

He’s just a guy! If he doesn’t text, it’s because he doesn’t want to. If he’s not making you feel cherished, he doesn’t want to!

And if you don’t like that, go find someone who will. Your issues are an easy fix compared to hers, don’t you think??? xxx