Should I stay or should I leave? One way to help you make a very tough decision

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If you’re in a relationship that isn’t great, it’s not normally a simple decision to opt out of it – more often than not, there are a lot of things to consider before deciding whether to stay and work it out, or walk away.

What if you have kids? What about any combined assets? Do you have any cash put aside for a rainy day (if you don’t, this is always something that’s worth doing, no matter how good your relationship is!)?

You basically have three options at this point in time:

  1. Stay and try to work things out
  2. Stay and keep going as you are
  3. Leave

What often happens in a troubled relationship is that number 1 hasn’t worked, so you’re left with the remaining two options. But it’s still not a simple decision. Could you possibly live the way you are, for the rest of your life?

Before somebody walks from a relationship, the fear of things staying as they are is bigger than the fear of the unknown (walking away), but this isn’t often all that clear.

This is where the “Benefits and Drawbacks Grid” comes into play.

You see, what it does is get you to think of the benefits and drawbacks of both staying and leaving, and jot them down.

When you have all of these written down, it becomes painfully clear in the example below, that there’s not many reasons to stay listed there, and plenty of drawbacks for doing so.

 

Stay Leave
Benefits

– Family stays together
– Less “drama” to deal with
– Don’t have to sell the house/split assets

– A chance of meeting somebody who treats me how I want to be treated
– A chance to feel loved
– A chance to find happiness with myself
– My money will be my own – more control over my finances and therefore less financial struggle

Drawbacks

– I will feel unhappy
– I will feel trapped
– Finances will remain messy as they have been for years
– Lack of trust will eat at me
– Will start to resent him
– My sadness will likely eat at me and affect other family members
– Putting on a brave face is tiring

– I will need to start all over again
– I won’t be able to spend as much time with my daughter
– Family Breaks Apart
– House will be lost (sold)
– Having to admit that I failed (again)

This grid can be used for any other situation where you’re struggling to make a decision between two or more options.

I had a business client once use this to decide on the direction of her business. Writing each benefit and drawback on the grid really clarified for her which way she should take her business.

Do you have a situation where this tool would help you to make a tough decision?

How to move on after a breakup

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heartbreakLast Monday my boyfriend of three months (it was actually three months to the day since our first date) dropped the bombshell that he may have to move interstate, meaning that our relationship was basically doomed.

Without going into a lot of detail (as I wish to protect his privacy), there were a bunch of other things going on, and he told me he had to think about what he wanted to do about us.

I was obviouly stunned as things had been going very well with us, but I respected that he was dealing with some stuff right now. So I told him to go and work out what he wanted to do and I took a step back and let him go and work out what it was he wanted.

Fast forward to two days later and he told me that he could not do a relationship with anybody right now, given his situation and the various reasons he’d outlined two days prior.

Bottom line is, he did not want a relationship – with me – despite how perfect and wonderful I was and despite how strong his feelings were for me. What the?

My logical brain immediately started the “If I’m so great, then why can’t we just find a way to work this out?” dialog, but I value myself enough to NEVER beg a man to stay with me. If he wants out, then I’ll hold the door wide open for him.

You see, I don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t want to be with me. Why would I want that for myself, if only to bring me emotional pain?

So here’s what I told him: “If this is what you want, then I respect that. I feel sad that things couldn’t be worked out, but you have to do what feels right for you…”

We hugged, then I walked out his front door, knowing I would never visit his home again. Several tears were shed (by both of us) during that last visit…

Today is Sunday, so it’s been almost a week since the original bombshell was dropped and I’m doing well! I am focused on my goals again (this breakup has reignighted my passion to help others), I am focusing only on the positives in my life, and I am thinking of him only in fleeting moments, but no longer with sadness, but with gratitude instead. I had the pleasure of spending 3 months getting to know this lovely man and his beautiful children.

I wish for nothing but happiness for him and his beautiful family and just because he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with me, doesn’t make him a bad person. What it does make him is a bad person for ME, because as I said earlier, I don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t want to be with me!

So… how did I get to this point where I’m feeling not only ok, but really positive about my life, all in less than a week after our breakup?

Don’t get me wrong… I did experience a grieving process and the first few nights I hardly slept a wink. I also held a short pity party for myself, and trust me, it was NOT fun! It’s also not fun to think that yet again, I’ve got to go through the dating and getting to know somebody new, process – Ugh! I’ve done that a MILLION times! When will my big break come????

At the same time, I knew that I would be ok. I was happy before I met him, so of course I could be happy after he’s walked from my life. I also knew I had a whole lot of stuff to be grateful for, so here’s some of what I did over the last week:

  • I wrote in my gratitude journal – I listed several things every day, of what I am grateful for.
  • I focused on my upcoming girl’s weekend on a cruise ship – in 48 days I’ll be floating off on a comedy cruise with a bunch of girlfriends! Wooo! it’s always good to have something fun to look forward to.
  • I looked back at what the relationship had taught me – What did I gain in the way of knowledge and understanding of men in this relationship? What did I realise I DON’T want in future relationships (surprisingly there were quite a few things, despite how happy I was with him!!)? What did I realise I DO want in a future relationship (and again there were a few key things)?
  • I considered his reasons for not wanting to take things any further, and realised he had actually saved me from some seriously hard times in the future – what happened was actually in my best interests, long term!
  • And finally, I reminded myself that I am destined to do great things, so there would have to be an exceptionally amazing man out there who would be worthy enough to walk beside me on my journey. Clearly he and I have not met yet, and my now ex boyfriend was basically making some space for me to get ready to meet my “Mr Right”. Until then however, I am perfectly happy and ok on my own!

If you read back through my points above, you will notice a common, positive theme. I focused on all of the GOOD aspects of my life and of the breakup and of my former relationship.

Yes I learned some lessons, but learning is a GOOD thing, even if there were some tough and negative feelings felt initially.

I have the belief that I will be ok with or without a man – a man is not what I need to be complete – it’s happiness I want and need, and I can do that on my own, as can anybody else. It’s just a matter of makinc the CHOICE to be happy as opposed to sad and pining over a man who has opted out of your life. xxx <3

A belated happy new year!

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After a rollercoaster of a 2015, I am really looking forward to what’s to come in 2016 and already it’s gotten off to a good start! 😉

I’ve already made some positive changes in my life, signing up for an online exercise bootcamp, and working on improving my diet! I’m not getting any younger, so I know this is something I not only need to do, but also need to stay consistent with.

Consider now as the time to make some positive changes in your life. They don’t have to be significant – any change, big or small, is a good thing!

What changes are you kicking off 2016 with?

Should I get professional photos taken for my online dating profile?

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This post is for those ladies thinking of having professional pics taken for their dating profile.

My best advice about this is DON’T DO IT!!!

I’ve dated a few men, and my conversation with them and my latest guy yesterday was very telling about what happens from their perspective.

Bottom line is this:

Guys are visual, so they will often initiate contact with a woman who is visually appealing to them. Once contact has been established and it’s time to meet, they’re expecting to meet up with somebody who looks somewhat like their profile pic. Our expectation is the same, right?

So let’s say you got yourself all done up and had a bunch of professional pics taken (and let’s face it – if done right, they can make you look way more amazing than you think you look in real life), and use those pics for your profile. You may look pretty cute normally, but Photoshop and good lighting really served you when those pics were taken! 😉

Ok so now it’s time to meet up, and he’s expecting to meet what he perceives to be a supermodel, in the flesh. And then you turn up. You’re cute, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, but you don’t normally get around town looking like a supermodel, right? Who does???? Except super models maybe…

So what you’ve effectively done is deceived him by advertising yourself as somebody who only has a slight resemblance to you. How is that fair?

Imagine if some guy had done the same thing. His pics were HAWT, but when you meet in person, you’re severely let down as he looks nothing like his pics!

Same goes for the age of your photos. Make sure they’re recent and represent how you look NOW, and not 5 years ago! If a guy doesn’t want to talk to you based on what he sees, then he’s not worth your time and has effectively weeded himself out with zero effort from you!

The Wheel of Life – How I’m faring so far this year

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wheel of lifeThe life coach in me has done quite a bit of reflecting today, given another year is almost done – can you believe it??

I’m reflecting on the various areas of my life and where they’re at right now, and I thought I would share…

Finance 7/10 – I’m doing ok in that department. Not as well as I would like to be, but my bills are paid, and I have access to a little bit of cash in the case of an emergency. As my social life isn’t so great right now, it’s keeping this number at a 7 and not dropping it to a 6! I need to get better at saving.

Personal Growth 8/10 – I’ve grown a LOT this year! I’ve learned to be happy just being me. This is the first time I’ve felt truly happy and single at the same time! Woah! I need to start setting more goals for myself.

Health 8/10 – Apart from my bout of salmonella poisoning, my heath is pretty good. I know I need to be more active to get this to a 10. Maybe that’ll be one of my new year’s resolutions… 😉

Family 7/10 – I am spending more quality time with my babies these days, but I don’t see enough of my siblings or my parents, although I expect to see more of my family over the coming weeks with Christmas around the corner!

Relationships 2/10 – Yup, things in that department are not great, but this time it’s self imposed. I needed a good 6 months on my own, and I’m 2/3 of the way through that and feeling pretty good!

Social Life 3/10 – I need to see my friends more. It’s my fault I don’t see them as often as I’d like, and it’s up to me to fix that. Another new year’s resolution maybe?

Attitude 9/10 – I always see the positives in any situation, even if there is no positive to see. I’m solutions focused too, so I never get bogged down in the problem but try to find the solution instead. I think my attitude is pretty darn good!

Career 8/10 – I love what I’m doing right now, I love the challenges, and I love how my boss just tells me his vision, then lets me go and work out how it will be achieved, then usually agrees with what I’ve come up with. I need to get better at mentoring my staff, and maybe that will be another challenge I can set in the new year? :)

How are you doing in all of these areas of your life? Where can you improve? What are you doing well?

Why have I chosen to promote Younique products?

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IMG 4067I have a career that I love and am finally doing something that not only challenges me, but it is rewarding too. I’m very lucky to have found such an awesome job, and I thank my lucky stars every day!

So why have I decided to promote Younique products in addition to my very busy career?

As you all know, I’m all about women building their confidence and self esteem, and Younique’s mission really resonated with me:

“Younique’s mission is to uplift, empower, validate, and ultimately build self-esteem in women around the world through high-quality products that encourage both inner and outer beauty and spiritual enlightenment while also providing opportunities for personal growth and financial reward.”

Now, I know as well as you do, that beauty is only skin deep, and we should not live our lives trying to look like something that we’re not. That’s a given.

So look at it this way….

When you buy a new outfit that you know looks great on you and flatters your figure, you feel better about yourself, right? Same goes with makeup. You don’t have to pack it on with a spatula – you can apply makeup subtly, but it will give you an internal boost that reflects outwardly too.

Also, as a Younique presenter, I now have an additional stream of income, which of course provides me with more financial security, which again helps to build my confidence in myself and confidence in my ability to succeed.

Another reason why I like Younique is because the products are well priced, and the cost to become a presenter is very small when compared with other companies, so as I loved their mascara (it does amazing things to your eyelashes!), I figured I would like to buy them at a 25%+ discount so I signed up. Now I have friends and family using the products, and of course I use them every day too!

The thing is, when you’re struggling with your confidence and self esteem, that’s a good time to find something that gives your life purpose. What are you working toward? What goals do you have? What makes you feel good about yourself?

Once you find something that gives you purpose and goals, you will find that your outlook on life will improve quite dramatically.

So…. what are you going to do next year to give your life some purpose? What goals do you want to set yourself for next year?

If you are interested in becoming a Younique presenter, click on the link below.

https://www.youniqueproducts.com/Mishy/business/presenterinfo

My boyfriend hasn’t contacted me in two weeks but I can see he’s been on Facebook. What do I do?

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Ok, so you know he’s alive, but not so alive that he’s felt the need to make contact with you in the last two weeks.

How does that make you feel? I’m thinking you feel hurt, rejected, confused, and a whole lot of emotions that do not = happiness!

This guy may be your “boyfriend” in title, but he’s certainly not in his actions, and this is an important thing to consider.

Many guys have this thing where they “claim” you to take you off the market, so you can’t get snapped up by anybody else, but instead of acting like a boyfriend, he’s pretty much treating you like you’re an option.

There are two things you can do in this scenario:

  1. Accept
  2. Reject

It’s completely up to you. Do you want this to continue? Are you happy with this? Clearly you’re not or you wouldn’t be reading this article, looking for answers.

So how do you reject? Do you call him up and tell him that you reject his treatment of you??

Of course not!!!

Here’s what you do instead:

  1. Stop the urge to call or text him – do not contact him at all!
  2. Kick start your social life so that when he eventually does text or call, you will be busy if he wants to make plans.
  3. Consider dating others. I know this may feel a bit icky to start with, as he’s supposed to be your boyfriend, right? But how is a boyfriend supposed to be? Is he supposed to be MIA two weeks at a time?? If he’s not acting like a boyfriend, then he’s not your boyfriend and you’re single! So get out there!!!

I’m not sure you could “accept” this behaviour if it makes you feel bad. Instead you will tolerate it.

What happens over time if you do this, is that you start to get angry, really angry – at yourself for tolerating this crap! I’ve been there and I know this!

Remember, you are high value, and if you’re being treated like an option, it’s time to get out there and find a man who will treat you like a priority!

Why does my love life suck? Three things you need to stop in order to turn things around

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A long time ago, I used to be a bit of a control freak. In fact, I was so good at it that I often didn’t even realise I was being controlling at the time! This is extremely masculine, so I might as well have been a man dressed as a women. Ugh! No wonder I was either butting heads or emasculating my men!

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I can now clearly see what I was doing with the men in my life, and how it affected my relationships. It wasn’t pretty.

I wish I’d known this before, because my love life would’ve been soooo much easier! But as they say, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”, and that’s what happened for me.

If your love life isn’t as you wished it would be, there’s a strong chance you’re doing one of the following things, that you need to absolutely STOP doing, starting right now!

Here they are:

1. You’re trying to control your partner – there’s maybe something about him that you don’t like, so you’re trying to get him to change. You could be attempting to manipulate him, or maybe you’re nagging him to change whatever it is you don’t like. Sometimes it’s so subtle, you may not realise you’re doing this, so some self-reflection is needed here, and be honest with yourself.

2. You’re trying to control the outcome – similar to the previous point, you’re wanting things to go a certain way, and you’re doing or saying things to try to change the outcome. You really need to stop all this doing!!!

3. You keep criticising, judging, advising, warning, coaxing, or trying to change him. Please stop this. He doesn’t need another parent, nor does he need another “man” in his life…. Also, you cannot change a man. Ever! Don’t even waste your energy trying to do so! Trust me! 😉

Ok, so there they are. And as you can see, these things are all about doing and about control.

As a woman, it’s important that you do not take on the masculine role of doing and controlling – that’s the man’s job!

If your relationships haven’t gone well in the past, experiment with stopping these things and see if it makes a difference to your love life! I’ve seen it first-hand, and I know you will too! <3

How to attract a good man

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A long long time ago, I didn’t like myself very much. My self esteem was very low and I wasn’t a happy girl at all.

I didn’t realise this at the time, but while I acted positive to the outside world, it was my inner thoughts that were ruling my life – those thoughts I wasn’t necesssarily conscious of, and they weren’t good thoughts.

There was a problem with this, and it shaped a big part of what was to become my life for 9 years.

You see, when you have these feelings of not being enough, of not liking yourself, you’re sending a message out to the Universe. You’re basically asking the Universe to send you more of the same.

So what did I attract?

I attracted a man who treated me the way I felt about myself – he treated me like I wasn’t good enough, he treated me as though he hated my guts sometimes!

What’s weird about this is that on some level I always knew he did love me, but he sure had a shitty way of showing it!

The day I walked away from that man was life-changing. I vowed to myself that I would never let myself go down that road again, and while I’ve had some challenging relationships since then, none were as volatile as this one.

Fast forward several years to now, after I’ve done a LOT of inner work, and there is no way a man like that would even be within my circles. I just don’t interact with men who are on that level. Instead I’m attracting good, caring, genuine men who are successful and treat me like a queen.

So what’s changed?

I’ve changed – a LOT!

I don’t just like myself, I LOVE who I have become! I am working in a job that I love, I have two beautiful daughters that I love dearly, I have good friends and family around me, I have many male admirers (one of whom would put a ring on my finger if I said the word), I am confident and I am truly happy.

So because I now value myself so much, it’s like I’ve filtered out the men who would treat a woman as low value. I’m only attracting good, quality men. Yes, I’m still single, and that’s in part due to circumstances outside of myself, but I’m perfectly ok with that.

Low value men no longer stand a chance with me, because I value myself enough that I won’t even let them in anymore. And even if a low value man was able to “trick” his way into my life, he wouldn’t last long. Why? Because I have this strong belief that to make room for what you want, you must remove from your life what you don’t want. And I’d have no issues with doing that.

So the trick to attracting a good man is to first love and value yourself more than you love and value anybody else. That way you will make the right choices for you, and won’t tolerate what doesn’t serve you.

What happens when you do that is that you become this attracting force that men can’t resist, and all you have to do is weed out those that don’t meet your very high standards! Easy peasy! 😉

Upset because your guy isn’t texting or calling? Time to put things in perspective!

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Stressing about whether some dude has called or texted you in the last few days??

Some time ago a friend of mine wrote a book to tell her story, and it was her story that seriously woke me up to what’s important in life – and it’s not some guy who doesn’t text or call!

This friend lost her husband when he committed suicide. They’d been arguing a lot and one night she decided to stay at a gf’s house. The next morning she arrived home to find the police there – he had killed himself.

She went into a deep depression after this, and a year later decided to take her own life in Bali (so her parents wouldn’t have to ID her body).

Her friends found out she was going to Bali and invited themselves along because they thought she was going as a tribute to her husband as it was a year after his death, and they wanted to support her. She didn’t have the energy to tell them no.

Their first night in Bali, they were at a bar when it was blown up (the Bali bombings). Her friends were killed. And she survived.

I can’t even try to understand or even imagine what she went through, despite reading all about it in her book. I did cry a lot!

But the thing is, what I go through on a day to day basis is nowhere near close to what she’s been through.

So it’s time to put things in perspective people!

He’s just a guy! If he doesn’t text, it’s because he doesn’t want to. If he’s not making you feel cherished, he doesn’t want to!

And if you don’t like that, go find someone who will. Your issues are an easy fix compared to hers, don’t you think??? xxx