Why am I still single??

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selfconfidence101Since 2010 I’ve spent a lot of time being single, and it’s been an interesting journey. While I believed I was a good catch, why was I single for so long? (I did finally meet my wonderful man in 2016, which is good news!)

Anyway, prior to meeting him, I had friends (both male and female) telling me how wonderful I was, how easygoing and laid back I was, and how gorgeous I was.

My reply? “Well if I’m so darn wonderful, why the hell am I still single????”

Yeah, you start to get a complex when you have a string of them either “leaving the country” or going back to an ex, and you begin to wonder what is wrong with you!

But here’s what learned… “You can be the ripest, juciest, yummiest peach in the world, but there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches…”

This doesn’t mean that these guys “hated” me, but what it did mean was that we just weren’t a match!

You meet, he thinks you’re an apple, and over time he realises you’re a peach, and he doesn’t like peaches. It doesn’t mean you’re bad for being a peach or that you should change who you are, but what it does mean is that he’s looking for an apple.

We all know that peaches can’t turn into apples. It’s impossible! So you can’t possibly become what he wants. You’re just not a match! It’s really that simple!

Sometimes it takes him a while to realise you’re a peach, so this kind of drags the pain out, but the fact remains – he wants apples, and you’re a peach.

There is a good news story at the end of this, and that is that for every peach hater out there, there are just as many (if not more) peach lovers out there, and your job is to just get yourself out there living your life, until you finally meet Mr Peach Lover!

When you meet Mr Peach Lover, it will become pretty obvious, that he most definitely loves peaches and he’s never going to want to let you go! Yummy! <3

Empowerment of women… Is this a good thing?

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You may be reading the title of this post, and if you’re a woman, you’re likely thinking “Well of course it is!”

On the other hand, you could be a man who’s reading this, and you’ve just managed to free yourself from a relationship with a woman who emotionally beat you into a pulp over many years, and you’re thinking “No way!!!”

The thing is, the whole empowerment of women thing, is actually a very good thing. Why? Let me tell you….!

For me, being empowered is about taking ownership of where I am and where I’m headed. It’s about taking responsibility for my own actions and for the decisions I make in my life.

It’s not about playing the victim or passing blame to another person for where I am in my life.

I have an ex husband who treated me pretty badly, and for nine years I put up with it. Who’s fault was it that I was verbally abused for nine years?

It was MY fault!

Why?

The first time was his fault, but when I stuck around, I was sending him a very clear message to keep doing it, because there were no consequences for him if he did. So he kept doing it. Why would he stop? He didn’t need to as he was getting something out of it (more on that stuff in a later post).

Until one day, I woke up and realised I was sending a pretty awful message to my daughter (the message was that it was ok for a woman to be treated that way, because I’d been putting up with this treatment for so long), so I finally woke up to myself and I took my power back, and I left.

THAT was what being empowered was all about. It was about taking responsibility for where I was, and it was about doing something about it!

I didn’t beat him down, I didn’t tell my daughter how horrible he was, I didn’t cause scenes whenever I saw him. I just accepted that he was who he was, and that he wasn’t for me. I also accepted the fact that it was totally on me that I stayed with him for that long.

So how have I benefited from being empowered?

Well… I’m a million times happier since leaving him. My daughter was removed from a toxic environment. I found somebody a gazillion times better. I have the life I always wanted. I have the relationship I’ve always dreamed of. I live in a happy home. I have a happy life. :)

So becoming this empowered woman was what turned my life around, and it wasn’t at the expense of my former husband or of anybody around me. That’s what being empowered is all about! :)

When the Law of Attraction “isn’t working”

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How do you know if the Law of Attraction (LOA) is “working”? How will you know that you are starting to manifest your greatest desires?

I’m a member of a Facebook group that talks about manifesting these great desires, and I often see posts from people saying “Oh I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do but nothing is happening.” or “Why haven’t I manifested what I want yet? I’ve been doing this stuff for ages!”

I cringe every time I see these posts, and do you want to know why? Those words are repelling everything they’ve spent so much of their time trying to attract or manifest!

Here’s the thing…

The LOA is working all of the time, day and night. It attracts what you want, it attracts what you don’t want, depending on your state of mind and your subconscious thoughts.

Some people seem to think that if they write down their desires enough times and visualise enough times, they’ll get what they want, and when it doesn’t, they get frustrated and say “it doesn’t work!”. Hmmmm…

One thing that most of these people don’t realise, is that if you’re clinging desperately to getting what it is you desire, you’re actually coming from a place of lack! Do you know what that means? Yes! You will attract more lack!

So how do we get the things we want in life? How do we get the LOA to work for us? These simple steps will send you on your way!

  1. Decide what you want
  2. Write down your desire, in present tense, as though you had already received it and look at it every day
  3. Visualise yourself with whatever it is you desire, daily
  4. Take action to help you get closer to your goal
  5. Trust that the Universe will deliver what you have asked for, or something better, when you are ready to receive it!

Sometimes we think we want something, without realising that there is something (or someone) better out there, but trusting that this or something better is coming our way, will bring it your way when it’s supposed to come your way.

The bottom line here is that you’ve got to be ok with not getting what it is you desire, even if you want it, and you have to trust that it will manifest in its own time.

Years ago I was buying a house, and I was having a lot of trouble securing a loan to buy it. I eventually got sick of having to jump through so many hoops, so I started to consider my other options. I could rent a house elsewhere, which would be much nicer than the house I was buying, for example. So I had a Plan B!

As soon as I was ok with my Plan B, guess what happened? My loan was approved! Funny that!

How can I reduce anxiety and stress, and what does gravity have to do with it?

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You’re probably reading the title of this post and wondering what I’m going on about, right?

Well… gravity (or at least thinking about it) has a LOT to do with reducing anxiety and stress, as it is all about how you frame situations you are facing.

In order to make some sense, I will tell a story now, and hopefully it will all come together for you!

Back in the year 2000, I was working for one of Australia’s major banks and had been working there for almost 5 years. One day, we were all called into a meeting – that is, several hundred of us were all called into a meeting! My coworkers and I knew something was up!

It turns out they were moving operations to another state and our office was closing down. We had the option to request a transfer, otherwise our positions were being made redundant and we would need to seek work elsewhere. I was pretty happy about this news, as it meant a fresh new start for me, however some of my coworkers were extremely upset.

To help us to cope with the upcoming change, the bank set up various “educational” sessions. In one such session they brought in a man to speak to us.

What he had to say was something I will never forget and it’s helped me to deal with so many stressful situations in my life – what he said was freaking awesome! And here goes (I hope I can do his words justice)!
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Have you ever heard of gravity?

That’s right, it’s that “thing” that keeps you stuck to the ground, it’s that thing that stops you floating off into space. It’s that thing that makes my pen drop from one hand to the other (at this point he demonstrates holding his right hand up while holding a pen, and then he lets go of it. His left hand is ready to catch the falling pen).

See that? Gravity just made my pen drop into my left hand. That’s what gravity does!

Right.. so we all know what gravity is and what it does. So hands up anybody who spends hours upon hours each day, worrying about gravity.

He drops the pen from one hand to another again.

Anybody?

No hands are raised.

So nobody spends hours each day worrying about gravity, huh? We all know it exists and what it does, but we spend no time at all worrying about it, because it just “is”! It’s just there, we have no control over it, it makes things fall, it keeps us stuck to the earth, and it makes our boobs sag!

The audience agrees.

Ok… so we know it is there and we know we can’t control it, so we don’t spend any energy worrying about it… because worrying about it won’t make it go away, will it? It’s just there. It just IS.

The audience agrees again.

Ok, so why do we spend so much time worrying about other events and “things” in our lives that we have no control over…?

The audience is silent, possibly pondering this very good question!

Surely worring about those won’t make them go away either, right?

Again the audience is silent.

You see, so many of us spend all of our time worrying about events or things we have absolutely no control over. Why do we do that?

We know that worrying about it won’t change it or make it go away. We know that worrying about it won’t fix things. So why do we spend all of our time worrying about it, when instead we should be working out how we deal with the situation!!!

So here’s my pen (holds up pen). I know gravity will make it drop, so what do I do? I get my other hand ready to catch it! That’s how I’m dealing with gravity! Saggy boobs? Wear a supportive bra!

Can you see where I’m getting at here?

Here you all are, facing redundancies as your jobs are moving to another state. You can spend all of your time worrying about it, or you can instead put your energy into working out how to deal with it!

How many of you have started applying for new jobs? Maybe you wanted to start your own business, and this is your opportunity to do so!

You have no control over the decision your employer has made, but you sure as hell can control what you do about it from this point on! Worrying about it will not change the fact that your employer has made this decision, so it’s now time to think about what you CAN control and what you can do about this situation!

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By now you’ve probably worked out how life changing this concept was for me. I no longer sweat the small stuff. I no longer stress about situations I can’t control. I also no longer worry about other people’s actions, as I have absolutely no control over them either. Instead I focus on what I can control and what I can do about a situation!

So no matter what your situation, whether it’s the loss of a job due to redundancy like what happened to me, your guy cheated on you, or you failed that test… you can’t control those things, just as I couldn’t. But you can control what you do about it and how you react to it.

  • Lost your job? Start a job hunt asap!
  • Your guy cheated on you? Reflect on your part in the relationship and work on what you can do better next time (fyi there are no excuses for cheating, and I’ll never condone it, however it’s always good to reflect on how you can enter the next relationship as a better person), forgive him for being dumb enough to lose the best thing he ever had, and put yourself back out there! Or instead, choose to spend more time with your girlfriends and pamper yourself for once.
  • Failed the test? Nothing can change the fact that you have failed the test. Can you re-sit the test? If so, study MUCH hdarder! If not, you’ve learned a big lesson and you’ll need to take it on the chin. What else CAN you do to get past this?

I think I’ve rambled on for long enough, but I think you get the idea. Focus on what you can control, not on what you can’t!

What to do if things aren’t going your way

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I’ve been in this situation so many times when things don’t seem to be going my way. In the past I would feel frustrated, upset or angry. But now? It’s a completely different story!

Here’s the thing….

I know there are some things in life that I cannot control, so I don’t spend an ounce of energy worrying, crying, getting angry or upset about it. Instead I ask myself this:

“What else can I do?”

You may not be able to control the situation, but you can control what you do about it!

So if things aren’t going your way right now and you have no control over some or all factors, what else can you do? Focus on that instead of the problem, and you will go a long way towards improving your life! xxx

How do you know he’s “the one”?

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Those of you who know me, will be aware of my interesting love life over the last 20+ years and I’ve often wondered why “the one” has alluded me. Why can’t I just meet “the one” and be done with it, like my parents did??

I’ve been abused, cheated on, had men go back to exes, a couple fled the country, and the list goes on, but I knew that each and every one of those men came into my life for a reason. Here are a couple of examples….

Some time after meeting my first husband, I thought he was “the one”.

He and I met when I was not in a great place emotionally, and my self esteem was rather low. He came along and pursued me like no man had ever done, and to be honest, I think it was that pursuit that sucked me in!

There were many good times with this man, however when the verbal and emotional abuse started, things started to turn toxic and in the end I had to walk away, at least for the sake of our daughter.

What I learned from that relationship was an understanding of how little I valued myself at the time. There’s no way I would tolerate such treatment today as I know I’m worthy of so much better than that.

The thing is, I attracted a man who was on the same “level” as I was. I felt bad about myself, so I attracted a man who would say and do things that would make me feel bad.

The relationship did however mean the creation of my beautiful daughter, so no matter how painful it was, the nine years I had with him taught me a lot and from it, I received the most beautiful gift.

Ok, so he was “the one” for me at the time….but not for a lifetime…

Next husband was, and still is a very good man. Again he was quite the pursuer, and he treated me so so well – compared to my previous husband, this guy was like the complete opposite, which was exactly what I needed! He was clearly into me, and was not shy in telling me so. He also gelled with my daughter extremely well. He became the father she never had (her father kind of opted out of her life on several occasions).

Things didn’t work out with him either, but he gave my daughter the precious gift of being a father figure for her, and is still there for her if she needs him. We also had a daughter together – yet another precious gift.

Our relationship had to end after 8 years for various reasons, but bottom line is that neither of us were happy. We remain on good terms today, however we’re just not meant to be.

So he was “the one” for me at the time, and he gave my daughter something her own father deprived her of. That is special.

Fast forward to over 3 months ago when I was introduced to the most incredibly amazing and wonderful man I’ve ever met, and I realise that my experiences of the past have made me who I am today, and they’ve prepared me for this meeting.

The old me would not have been right for this man, and he tells me he wouldn’t have been right for me either.

We’ve been working on ourselves over several years to get us to this point, and we can both honestly say that we are now our best selves.

I loved my life before he came along, and I love it even more now that he’s in it. Life with him in it is easy, calm, happy and fun. We have fun together, we respect each other, and we love that each of us has our own separate passions.

It’s only early days for us, but is he “the one”?

My gut says he is. It doesn’t mean we’re going to last forever (although I hope we do!), but it does mean that right now, he’s enhancing my already wonderful life, and I’m happy to see where that takes us!

I personally think that some people are lucky to find “the one” for life, just like my parents did. I also think that some people will have several “the ones” over their lifetime, until you’ve become the best version of yourself.

What do you think? Is this something you agree with, or do you have a different perspective?

Should I stay or should I leave? One way to help you make a very tough decision

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If you’re in a relationship that isn’t great, it’s not normally a simple decision to opt out of it – more often than not, there are a lot of things to consider before deciding whether to stay and work it out, or walk away.

What if you have kids? What about any combined assets? Do you have any cash put aside for a rainy day (if you don’t, this is always something that’s worth doing, no matter how good your relationship is!)?

You basically have three options at this point in time:

  1. Stay and try to work things out
  2. Stay and keep going as you are
  3. Leave

What often happens in a troubled relationship is that number 1 hasn’t worked, so you’re left with the remaining two options. But it’s still not a simple decision. Could you possibly live the way you are, for the rest of your life?

Before somebody walks from a relationship, the fear of things staying as they are is bigger than the fear of the unknown (walking away), but this isn’t often all that clear.

This is where the “Benefits and Drawbacks Grid” comes into play.

You see, what it does is get you to think of the benefits and drawbacks of both staying and leaving, and jot them down.

When you have all of these written down, it becomes painfully clear in the example below, that there’s not many reasons to stay listed there, and plenty of drawbacks for doing so.

 

Stay Leave
Benefits

– Family stays together
– Less “drama” to deal with
– Don’t have to sell the house/split assets

– A chance of meeting somebody who treats me how I want to be treated
– A chance to feel loved
– A chance to find happiness with myself
– My money will be my own – more control over my finances and therefore less financial struggle

Drawbacks

– I will feel unhappy
– I will feel trapped
– Finances will remain messy as they have been for years
– Lack of trust will eat at me
– Will start to resent him
– My sadness will likely eat at me and affect other family members
– Putting on a brave face is tiring

– I will need to start all over again
– I won’t be able to spend as much time with my daughter
– Family Breaks Apart
– House will be lost (sold)
– Having to admit that I failed (again)

This grid can be used for any other situation where you’re struggling to make a decision between two or more options.

I had a business client once use this to decide on the direction of her business. Writing each benefit and drawback on the grid really clarified for her which way she should take her business.

Do you have a situation where this tool would help you to make a tough decision?

How to move on after a breakup

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heartbreakLast Monday my boyfriend of three months (it was actually three months to the day since our first date) dropped the bombshell that he may have to move interstate, meaning that our relationship was basically doomed.

Without going into a lot of detail (as I wish to protect his privacy), there were a bunch of other things going on, and he told me he had to think about what he wanted to do about us.

I was obviouly stunned as things had been going very well with us, but I respected that he was dealing with some stuff right now. So I told him to go and work out what he wanted to do and I took a step back and let him go and work out what it was he wanted.

Fast forward to two days later and he told me that he could not do a relationship with anybody right now, given his situation and the various reasons he’d outlined two days prior.

Bottom line is, he did not want a relationship – with me – despite how perfect and wonderful I was and despite how strong his feelings were for me. What the?

My logical brain immediately started the “If I’m so great, then why can’t we just find a way to work this out?” dialog, but I value myself enough to NEVER beg a man to stay with me. If he wants out, then I’ll hold the door wide open for him.

You see, I don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t want to be with me. Why would I want that for myself, if only to bring me emotional pain?

So here’s what I told him: “If this is what you want, then I respect that. I feel sad that things couldn’t be worked out, but you have to do what feels right for you…”

We hugged, then I walked out his front door, knowing I would never visit his home again. Several tears were shed (by both of us) during that last visit…

Today is Sunday, so it’s been almost a week since the original bombshell was dropped and I’m doing well! I am focused on my goals again (this breakup has reignighted my passion to help others), I am focusing only on the positives in my life, and I am thinking of him only in fleeting moments, but no longer with sadness, but with gratitude instead. I had the pleasure of spending 3 months getting to know this lovely man and his beautiful children.

I wish for nothing but happiness for him and his beautiful family and just because he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with me, doesn’t make him a bad person. What it does make him is a bad person for ME, because as I said earlier, I don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t want to be with me!

So… how did I get to this point where I’m feeling not only ok, but really positive about my life, all in less than a week after our breakup?

Don’t get me wrong… I did experience a grieving process and the first few nights I hardly slept a wink. I also held a short pity party for myself, and trust me, it was NOT fun! It’s also not fun to think that yet again, I’ve got to go through the dating and getting to know somebody new, process – Ugh! I’ve done that a MILLION times! When will my big break come????

At the same time, I knew that I would be ok. I was happy before I met him, so of course I could be happy after he’s walked from my life. I also knew I had a whole lot of stuff to be grateful for, so here’s some of what I did over the last week:

  • I wrote in my gratitude journal – I listed several things every day, of what I am grateful for.
  • I focused on my upcoming girl’s weekend on a cruise ship – in 48 days I’ll be floating off on a comedy cruise with a bunch of girlfriends! Wooo! it’s always good to have something fun to look forward to.
  • I looked back at what the relationship had taught me – What did I gain in the way of knowledge and understanding of men in this relationship? What did I realise I DON’T want in future relationships (surprisingly there were quite a few things, despite how happy I was with him!!)? What did I realise I DO want in a future relationship (and again there were a few key things)?
  • I considered his reasons for not wanting to take things any further, and realised he had actually saved me from some seriously hard times in the future – what happened was actually in my best interests, long term!
  • And finally, I reminded myself that I am destined to do great things, so there would have to be an exceptionally amazing man out there who would be worthy enough to walk beside me on my journey. Clearly he and I have not met yet, and my now ex boyfriend was basically making some space for me to get ready to meet my “Mr Right”. Until then however, I am perfectly happy and ok on my own!

If you read back through my points above, you will notice a common, positive theme. I focused on all of the GOOD aspects of my life and of the breakup and of my former relationship.

Yes I learned some lessons, but learning is a GOOD thing, even if there were some tough and negative feelings felt initially.

I have the belief that I will be ok with or without a man – a man is not what I need to be complete – it’s happiness I want and need, and I can do that on my own, as can anybody else. It’s just a matter of makinc the CHOICE to be happy as opposed to sad and pining over a man who has opted out of your life. xxx <3

A belated happy new year!

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After a rollercoaster of a 2015, I am really looking forward to what’s to come in 2016 and already it’s gotten off to a good start! 😉

I’ve already made some positive changes in my life, signing up for an online exercise bootcamp, and working on improving my diet! I’m not getting any younger, so I know this is something I not only need to do, but also need to stay consistent with.

Consider now as the time to make some positive changes in your life. They don’t have to be significant – any change, big or small, is a good thing!

What changes are you kicking off 2016 with?

Should I get professional photos taken for my online dating profile?

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This post is for those ladies thinking of having professional pics taken for their dating profile.

My best advice about this is DON’T DO IT!!!

I’ve dated a few men, and my conversation with them and my latest guy yesterday was very telling about what happens from their perspective.

Bottom line is this:

Guys are visual, so they will often initiate contact with a woman who is visually appealing to them. Once contact has been established and it’s time to meet, they’re expecting to meet up with somebody who looks somewhat like their profile pic. Our expectation is the same, right?

So let’s say you got yourself all done up and had a bunch of professional pics taken (and let’s face it – if done right, they can make you look way more amazing than you think you look in real life), and use those pics for your profile. You may look pretty cute normally, but Photoshop and good lighting really served you when those pics were taken! 😉

Ok so now it’s time to meet up, and he’s expecting to meet what he perceives to be a supermodel, in the flesh. And then you turn up. You’re cute, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, but you don’t normally get around town looking like a supermodel, right? Who does???? Except super models maybe…

So what you’ve effectively done is deceived him by advertising yourself as somebody who only has a slight resemblance to you. How is that fair?

Imagine if some guy had done the same thing. His pics were HAWT, but when you meet in person, you’re severely let down as he looks nothing like his pics!

Same goes for the age of your photos. Make sure they’re recent and represent how you look NOW, and not 5 years ago! If a guy doesn’t want to talk to you based on what he sees, then he’s not worth your time and has effectively weeded himself out with zero effort from you!