What to do if somebody is trying to bring you down

above.jpg

above

Have you ever felt that no matter what you do, a certain person will always put you down?

Many years ago, I was married quite unhappily to a man who did not have a single nice thing to say to me. It really hurt, and over time, my self confidence took a beating, to the point where I had almost none left!

Why was he doing this? Why couldn’t he see me for the good and loving person that I was?? I just couldn’t work it out!

I didn’t have the answer at the time, so I stuck around for many years, hoping that some day he would wake up and realise how good he had it, and he’d miraculously start to treat me like he cherished me, as any woman would want to be treated. Obviously we all know how that went, and I ended up walking (more like running!) away.

Oh if only I knew then what I do now! And I sadly see this happening everywhere!

What I now know is that this man was sooo down on himself and lacking in self esteem, that he kept picking on everything I did as his way of bringing me down, as he knew on some level (likely subconscious) that he was below me. He KNEW I could do better, but he didn’t want me to work that out!

My partner’s ex also used to beat him down emotionally too, as she was so lacking in self esteem, that she needed to keep him down with her, so she could maintain control over him.

So what do you do if somebody keeps trying to bring you down?

My first answer would be to gain the awareness of what they’re doing and observe – note when they’re acting this way and how they’re trying to make you feel bad. If you can understand why somebody does certain things, it helps you to deal with it. Also, they can’t make you feel bad – you have a choice about how to feel in these situations!

Next, you need to stop letting them drag you into that hole they’re in. If it’s a friend or acquaintance, it’s easy – just distance yourself from them. But if it’s a significant other, you have a problem, because many of these people don’t like to admit that they have a problem.

If you’re in a relationship with somebody who does this, try these:

  • Ask them to stop, and leave the room – they can’t bring you down if you’re not in the room with them!
  • Is this a deal breaker? If so, and there’s no chance they’ll become voilent with you, tell them to stop or you’re outta there as you don’t deserve to be treated that way! If there is a chance of violence, then girl, what the hell are you still doing there?? GET OUT!!!
  • Focus on building up your own confidence as much as possible. The more confident you get, the less chance they’ll have to keep bringing you down to their level.
  • This person likely needs to get some help. But it’s got to be something they want to do.
  • Get busy – the less time you spend with that energy drainer, the better. When they ask why you’re so busy all of a sudden, be honest with them. Tell them you don’t like how they’re putting you down, so you’d rather focus on things that make you happy. They’ll either change their tune, or they won’t.

To be honest, most of these types of people won’t own the fact that they have a problem, and in most cases, you’re better off walking away. But… some won’t be aware of what they’ve been doing and will work to correct this behaviour. If you are dealing with the latter, that’s great! You can be there to support them and you may notice a really wonderful and positive change.

If you’re dealing with the former, those who won’t admit they have an problem or see what they’re doing as an issue (they’ll likely tell you you’re an idiot for feeling bad, because they “didn’t mean it” or words to that effect), then it’s going to be a case of accept or reject. Accept it and live your life being treated that way and be ok with it, or reject it, walk away and find somebody who will cherish you instead.

I chose to walk and am happy I did. <3

What do I do if somebody is trying to bring me down?

innerpeace.jpg

inner peaceIt’s a sad fact that you’re going to meet people in your life who seem like they’re out to destroy your happiness.

The thing is, there is absolutely nothing you can do to control their behaviour, but there’s everything you can do to control your response to their behaviour, and this is the key to long-lasting happiness and inner peace.

These people who try to bring you down, do so because they know on some level (usually subconsciously) that they are below you. So what they’re doing is a tactic to bring you to their level in order to make themselves feel better. The problem with this is that it never works to resolve their negative, toxic feelings, and actually feeds their sadness. They’re in a terrible vicious cycle, and unless they change the way they think, they will stay there indefinitely.

So… what do we do about it? How do we control our responses to the behaviours of these types of people so that they can’t destroy our happiness and inner peace?

Here are a few things you can do:

  1. Be aware that they are only doing this because they’re below you.
  2. Be aware that they are not happy in their life, otherwise they wouldn’t be trying to destroy your inner peace.
  3. Know that only YOU can control YOU, and they cannot control you in any way, unless you let them.
  4. Focus on all of the good things you have in your life, write in your gratitude journal every day, noting down all of the things you have that you are grateful for.
  5. Make a point to focus on your happiness and on your goals, every single day.
  6. When you notice you’re starting to think about that person or you feel their energy affecting you, say “STOP!” in your mind, then focus on something uplifting, like a good book, on nature, or your family.
  7. Do what you can to avoid being around that person who is trying to bring you down.
  8. Go for a walk in nature, or work out your frustrations at the gym!
  9. Crank up some uplifting music, and dance and sing along.
  10. Run yourself a warm bath, turn on some relaxing music, and force yourself to think of positive things.

Obviously there’s a lot more you can do than this, but this is a start. Really, what you need to be doing is focus on the good, turn your back on the bad, and avoid anybody that drains your energy, as much as you can.

Here’s to positive thoughts and energy coming your way! <3

How to get yourself out of a funk

img_9950.jpg

IMG 9950Have you ever had one of those weeks where you’ve lost all motivation to do anything productive, and you’ve really just lost interest in most things?

Yup me too!

A month ago, I finished working for the company I’d been with for 3 years. I received a nice little payout, but not enough to bring me early retirement (dammit), so I decided to have a week or two off, then seriously start looking for more work.

In that time, I’ve applied for several jobs, attended a couple of interviews, and I have an interview this week. Yay! I know something is coming, but the last week or so I have been feeling like I’m in a bit of a “funk”. I don’t feel depressed as such, but I’ve felt a little lost and down about things, and like I’m not “contributing”…

To make matters worse, for most of last week, I did pretty much NOTHING! Yup, that’s right. Nothing! And I felt a little guilty about it too.

Each day I would wake up, I’d take a shower (hey at least I was doing that!), I would dress in comfy, stretchy clothes (nothing I would go out in public in!) and for the rest of the day I wouldn’t do very much at all (well…nothing productive), and it was starting to bring me down. Juice Plus Complete

So… today I decided to do something different! I needed to get out of this funk, and the best way to do that is to do something different – I needed to do something to take care of me, too!

Here’s what I did today!

  1. I got out of bed and cooked my fella and I some breakfast.
  2. I took a shower, I got dressed, and I applied my Younique makeup. I didn’t have anywhere fancy to go, but hey – if you look good, you feel good, right?? I also played around with the new mascara I just received in the mail.
  3. I drank some Juice Plus + Complete (Dutch chocolate flavour!), as a healthy mid morning snack! This stuff is sooo full of goodness!
  4. I drove to the shop to buy food for the week, with the plan to cook up some healthier snacks for the kids who love their junk wayyy too much! I even bought some food to cook up for Fluffy, my dog. She’s one lucky doggy!
  5. I came home, I put the groceries away, I cranked up the music, and I worked out! YEAH!!! It felt sooooo good, and I didn’t push myself too hard. I just did enough so that I felt I’d pushed my body a little.
  6. I started cooking up some snacks for the kids. Later today I will cook up some more snacks, as we’ve decided that the usual shop-bought food we’ve been buying isn’t what we want to continue to give them. Half the time you don’t even know what the ingredients are, so best we cook for them ourselves.IMG 9955

So… how do I feel after all of that? I feel AMAZING!!!

It’s incredible how a change in routine can really help to remove that funk, and I’ve loved having the music up so that I can enjoy my cooking while bopping along. Very very awesome!

Why am I still single??

selfconfidence101.jpg

selfconfidence101Since 2010 I’ve spent a lot of time being single, and it’s been an interesting journey. While I believed I was a good catch, why was I single for so long? (I did finally meet my wonderful man in 2016, which is good news!)

Anyway, prior to meeting him, I had friends (both male and female) telling me how wonderful I was, how easygoing and laid back I was, and how gorgeous I was.

My reply? “Well if I’m so darn wonderful, why the hell am I still single????”

Yeah, you start to get a complex when you have a string of them either “leaving the country” or going back to an ex, and you begin to wonder what is wrong with you!

But here’s what learned… “You can be the ripest, juciest, yummiest peach in the world, but there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches…”

This doesn’t mean that these guys “hated” me, but what it did mean was that we just weren’t a match!

You meet, he thinks you’re an apple, and over time he realises you’re a peach, and he doesn’t like peaches. It doesn’t mean you’re bad for being a peach or that you should change who you are, but what it does mean is that he’s looking for an apple.

We all know that peaches can’t turn into apples. It’s impossible! So you can’t possibly become what he wants. You’re just not a match! It’s really that simple!

Sometimes it takes him a while to realise you’re a peach, so this kind of drags the pain out, but the fact remains – he wants apples, and you’re a peach.

There is a good news story at the end of this, and that is that for every peach hater out there, there are just as many (if not more) peach lovers out there, and your job is to just get yourself out there living your life, until you finally meet Mr Peach Lover!

When you meet Mr Peach Lover, it will become pretty obvious, that he most definitely loves peaches and he’s never going to want to let you go! Yummy! <3

Empowerment of women… Is this a good thing?

Butterfly 70x70

You may be reading the title of this post, and if you’re a woman, you’re likely thinking “Well of course it is!”

On the other hand, you could be a man who’s reading this, and you’ve just managed to free yourself from a relationship with a woman who emotionally beat you into a pulp over many years, and you’re thinking “No way!!!”

The thing is, the whole empowerment of women thing, is actually a very good thing. Why? Let me tell you….!

For me, being empowered is about taking ownership of where I am and where I’m headed. It’s about taking responsibility for my own actions and for the decisions I make in my life.

It’s not about playing the victim or passing blame to another person for where I am in my life.

I have an ex husband who treated me pretty badly, and for nine years I put up with it. Who’s fault was it that I was verbally abused for nine years?

It was MY fault!

Why?

The first time was his fault, but when I stuck around, I was sending him a very clear message to keep doing it, because there were no consequences for him if he did. So he kept doing it. Why would he stop? He didn’t need to as he was getting something out of it (more on that stuff in a later post).

Until one day, I woke up and realised I was sending a pretty awful message to my daughter (the message was that it was ok for a woman to be treated that way, because I’d been putting up with this treatment for so long), so I finally woke up to myself and I took my power back, and I left.

THAT was what being empowered was all about. It was about taking responsibility for where I was, and it was about doing something about it!

I didn’t beat him down, I didn’t tell my daughter how horrible he was, I didn’t cause scenes whenever I saw him. I just accepted that he was who he was, and that he wasn’t for me. I also accepted the fact that it was totally on me that I stayed with him for that long.

So how have I benefited from being empowered?

Well… I’m a million times happier since leaving him. My daughter was removed from a toxic environment. I found somebody a gazillion times better. I have the life I always wanted. I have the relationship I’ve always dreamed of. I live in a happy home. I have a happy life. :)

So becoming this empowered woman was what turned my life around, and it wasn’t at the expense of my former husband or of anybody around me. That’s what being empowered is all about! :)

When the Law of Attraction “isn’t working”

Butterfly 70x70

How do you know if the Law of Attraction (LOA) is “working”? How will you know that you are starting to manifest your greatest desires?

I’m a member of a Facebook group that talks about manifesting these great desires, and I often see posts from people saying “Oh I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do but nothing is happening.” or “Why haven’t I manifested what I want yet? I’ve been doing this stuff for ages!”

I cringe every time I see these posts, and do you want to know why? Those words are repelling everything they’ve spent so much of their time trying to attract or manifest!

Here’s the thing…

The LOA is working all of the time, day and night. It attracts what you want, it attracts what you don’t want, depending on your state of mind and your subconscious thoughts.

Some people seem to think that if they write down their desires enough times and visualise enough times, they’ll get what they want, and when it doesn’t, they get frustrated and say “it doesn’t work!”. Hmmmm…

One thing that most of these people don’t realise, is that if you’re clinging desperately to getting what it is you desire, you’re actually coming from a place of lack! Do you know what that means? Yes! You will attract more lack!

So how do we get the things we want in life? How do we get the LOA to work for us? These simple steps will send you on your way!

  1. Decide what you want
  2. Write down your desire, in present tense, as though you had already received it and look at it every day
  3. Visualise yourself with whatever it is you desire, daily
  4. Take action to help you get closer to your goal
  5. Trust that the Universe will deliver what you have asked for, or something better, when you are ready to receive it!

Sometimes we think we want something, without realising that there is something (or someone) better out there, but trusting that this or something better is coming our way, will bring it your way when it’s supposed to come your way.

The bottom line here is that you’ve got to be ok with not getting what it is you desire, even if you want it, and you have to trust that it will manifest in its own time.

Years ago I was buying a house, and I was having a lot of trouble securing a loan to buy it. I eventually got sick of having to jump through so many hoops, so I started to consider my other options. I could rent a house elsewhere, which would be much nicer than the house I was buying, for example. So I had a Plan B!

As soon as I was ok with my Plan B, guess what happened? My loan was approved! Funny that!

How can I reduce anxiety and stress, and what does gravity have to do with it?

Butterfly 70x70

You’re probably reading the title of this post and wondering what I’m going on about, right?

Well… gravity (or at least thinking about it) has a LOT to do with reducing anxiety and stress, as it is all about how you frame situations you are facing.

In order to make some sense, I will tell a story now, and hopefully it will all come together for you!

Back in the year 2000, I was working for one of Australia’s major banks and had been working there for almost 5 years. One day, we were all called into a meeting – that is, several hundred of us were all called into a meeting! My coworkers and I knew something was up!

It turns out they were moving operations to another state and our office was closing down. We had the option to request a transfer, otherwise our positions were being made redundant and we would need to seek work elsewhere. I was pretty happy about this news, as it meant a fresh new start for me, however some of my coworkers were extremely upset.

To help us to cope with the upcoming change, the bank set up various “educational” sessions. In one such session they brought in a man to speak to us.

What he had to say was something I will never forget and it’s helped me to deal with so many stressful situations in my life – what he said was freaking awesome! And here goes (I hope I can do his words justice)!
—————————————————–

Have you ever heard of gravity?

That’s right, it’s that “thing” that keeps you stuck to the ground, it’s that thing that stops you floating off into space. It’s that thing that makes my pen drop from one hand to the other (at this point he demonstrates holding his right hand up while holding a pen, and then he lets go of it. His left hand is ready to catch the falling pen).

See that? Gravity just made my pen drop into my left hand. That’s what gravity does!

Right.. so we all know what gravity is and what it does. So hands up anybody who spends hours upon hours each day, worrying about gravity.

He drops the pen from one hand to another again.

Anybody?

No hands are raised.

So nobody spends hours each day worrying about gravity, huh? We all know it exists and what it does, but we spend no time at all worrying about it, because it just “is”! It’s just there, we have no control over it, it makes things fall, it keeps us stuck to the earth, and it makes our boobs sag!

The audience agrees.

Ok… so we know it is there and we know we can’t control it, so we don’t spend any energy worrying about it… because worrying about it won’t make it go away, will it? It’s just there. It just IS.

The audience agrees again.

Ok, so why do we spend so much time worrying about other events and “things” in our lives that we have no control over…?

The audience is silent, possibly pondering this very good question!

Surely worring about those won’t make them go away either, right?

Again the audience is silent.

You see, so many of us spend all of our time worrying about events or things we have absolutely no control over. Why do we do that?

We know that worrying about it won’t change it or make it go away. We know that worrying about it won’t fix things. So why do we spend all of our time worrying about it, when instead we should be working out how we deal with the situation!!!

So here’s my pen (holds up pen). I know gravity will make it drop, so what do I do? I get my other hand ready to catch it! That’s how I’m dealing with gravity! Saggy boobs? Wear a supportive bra!

Can you see where I’m getting at here?

Here you all are, facing redundancies as your jobs are moving to another state. You can spend all of your time worrying about it, or you can instead put your energy into working out how to deal with it!

How many of you have started applying for new jobs? Maybe you wanted to start your own business, and this is your opportunity to do so!

You have no control over the decision your employer has made, but you sure as hell can control what you do about it from this point on! Worrying about it will not change the fact that your employer has made this decision, so it’s now time to think about what you CAN control and what you can do about this situation!

—————————————————–

By now you’ve probably worked out how life changing this concept was for me. I no longer sweat the small stuff. I no longer stress about situations I can’t control. I also no longer worry about other people’s actions, as I have absolutely no control over them either. Instead I focus on what I can control and what I can do about a situation!

So no matter what your situation, whether it’s the loss of a job due to redundancy like what happened to me, your guy cheated on you, or you failed that test… you can’t control those things, just as I couldn’t. But you can control what you do about it and how you react to it.

  • Lost your job? Start a job hunt asap!
  • Your guy cheated on you? Reflect on your part in the relationship and work on what you can do better next time (fyi there are no excuses for cheating, and I’ll never condone it, however it’s always good to reflect on how you can enter the next relationship as a better person), forgive him for being dumb enough to lose the best thing he ever had, and put yourself back out there! Or instead, choose to spend more time with your girlfriends and pamper yourself for once.
  • Failed the test? Nothing can change the fact that you have failed the test. Can you re-sit the test? If so, study MUCH hdarder! If not, you’ve learned a big lesson and you’ll need to take it on the chin. What else CAN you do to get past this?

I think I’ve rambled on for long enough, but I think you get the idea. Focus on what you can control, not on what you can’t!

What to do if things aren’t going your way

Butterfly 70x70

I’ve been in this situation so many times when things don’t seem to be going my way. In the past I would feel frustrated, upset or angry. But now? It’s a completely different story!

Here’s the thing….

I know there are some things in life that I cannot control, so I don’t spend an ounce of energy worrying, crying, getting angry or upset about it. Instead I ask myself this:

“What else can I do?”

You may not be able to control the situation, but you can control what you do about it!

So if things aren’t going your way right now and you have no control over some or all factors, what else can you do? Focus on that instead of the problem, and you will go a long way towards improving your life! xxx

How do you know he’s “the one”?

Butterfly 70x70

Those of you who know me, will be aware of my interesting love life over the last 20+ years and I’ve often wondered why “the one” has alluded me. Why can’t I just meet “the one” and be done with it, like my parents did??

I’ve been abused, cheated on, had men go back to exes, a couple fled the country, and the list goes on, but I knew that each and every one of those men came into my life for a reason. Here are a couple of examples….

Some time after meeting my first husband, I thought he was “the one”.

He and I met when I was not in a great place emotionally, and my self esteem was rather low. He came along and pursued me like no man had ever done, and to be honest, I think it was that pursuit that sucked me in!

There were many good times with this man, however when the verbal and emotional abuse started, things started to turn toxic and in the end I had to walk away, at least for the sake of our daughter.

What I learned from that relationship was an understanding of how little I valued myself at the time. There’s no way I would tolerate such treatment today as I know I’m worthy of so much better than that.

The thing is, I attracted a man who was on the same “level” as I was. I felt bad about myself, so I attracted a man who would say and do things that would make me feel bad.

The relationship did however mean the creation of my beautiful daughter, so no matter how painful it was, the nine years I had with him taught me a lot and from it, I received the most beautiful gift.

Ok, so he was “the one” for me at the time….but not for a lifetime…

Next husband was, and still is a very good man. Again he was quite the pursuer, and he treated me so so well – compared to my previous husband, this guy was like the complete opposite, which was exactly what I needed! He was clearly into me, and was not shy in telling me so. He also gelled with my daughter extremely well. He became the father she never had (her father kind of opted out of her life on several occasions).

Things didn’t work out with him either, but he gave my daughter the precious gift of being a father figure for her, and is still there for her if she needs him. We also had a daughter together – yet another precious gift.

Our relationship had to end after 8 years for various reasons, but bottom line is that neither of us were happy. We remain on good terms today, however we’re just not meant to be.

So he was “the one” for me at the time, and he gave my daughter something her own father deprived her of. That is special.

Fast forward to over 3 months ago when I was introduced to the most incredibly amazing and wonderful man I’ve ever met, and I realise that my experiences of the past have made me who I am today, and they’ve prepared me for this meeting.

The old me would not have been right for this man, and he tells me he wouldn’t have been right for me either.

We’ve been working on ourselves over several years to get us to this point, and we can both honestly say that we are now our best selves.

I loved my life before he came along, and I love it even more now that he’s in it. Life with him in it is easy, calm, happy and fun. We have fun together, we respect each other, and we love that each of us has our own separate passions.

It’s only early days for us, but is he “the one”?

My gut says he is. It doesn’t mean we’re going to last forever (although I hope we do!), but it does mean that right now, he’s enhancing my already wonderful life, and I’m happy to see where that takes us!

I personally think that some people are lucky to find “the one” for life, just like my parents did. I also think that some people will have several “the ones” over their lifetime, until you’ve become the best version of yourself.

What do you think? Is this something you agree with, or do you have a different perspective?

Should I stay or should I leave? One way to help you make a very tough decision

Butterfly 70x70

If you’re in a relationship that isn’t great, it’s not normally a simple decision to opt out of it – more often than not, there are a lot of things to consider before deciding whether to stay and work it out, or walk away.

What if you have kids? What about any combined assets? Do you have any cash put aside for a rainy day (if you don’t, this is always something that’s worth doing, no matter how good your relationship is!)?

You basically have three options at this point in time:

  1. Stay and try to work things out
  2. Stay and keep going as you are
  3. Leave

What often happens in a troubled relationship is that number 1 hasn’t worked, so you’re left with the remaining two options. But it’s still not a simple decision. Could you possibly live the way you are, for the rest of your life?

Before somebody walks from a relationship, the fear of things staying as they are is bigger than the fear of the unknown (walking away), but this isn’t often all that clear.

This is where the “Benefits and Drawbacks Grid” comes into play.

You see, what it does is get you to think of the benefits and drawbacks of both staying and leaving, and jot them down.

When you have all of these written down, it becomes painfully clear in the example below, that there’s not many reasons to stay listed there, and plenty of drawbacks for doing so.

 

Stay Leave
Benefits

– Family stays together
– Less “drama” to deal with
– Don’t have to sell the house/split assets

– A chance of meeting somebody who treats me how I want to be treated
– A chance to feel loved
– A chance to find happiness with myself
– My money will be my own – more control over my finances and therefore less financial struggle

Drawbacks

– I will feel unhappy
– I will feel trapped
– Finances will remain messy as they have been for years
– Lack of trust will eat at me
– Will start to resent him
– My sadness will likely eat at me and affect other family members
– Putting on a brave face is tiring

– I will need to start all over again
– I won’t be able to spend as much time with my daughter
– Family Breaks Apart
– House will be lost (sold)
– Having to admit that I failed (again)

This grid can be used for any other situation where you’re struggling to make a decision between two or more options.

I had a business client once use this to decide on the direction of her business. Writing each benefit and drawback on the grid really clarified for her which way she should take her business.

Do you have a situation where this tool would help you to make a tough decision?