Today I’m going to talk a little about relationships and how your actions can draw a man in or push him away and what you can do to turn this around if you find your man withdrawing.

After two failed marriages, lots of dates and even more research on this topic, I have a pretty good understanding of the way relationship dynamics work, and I also understand just how wrong I was getting it for so many years! Who would’ve thought that my incessant need to plan and organise was part of the problem in my past relationships??? I certainly didn’t!

But the key is awareness. I am now aware what a man likes and doesn’t like and I also know that by making a few key internal changes, I can completely transform my relationships for the better! And I’ve done just that with my man!

Now, I’m going to use me as a prime example of what not to do…

But first I want to discuss masculine and feminine energy. In any happy and healthy relationship there’s got to be a balance of masculine and feminine energy.

Without this balance, you have constant conflict, feelings of dissatisfaction, and a whole host of problems in your relationship.

In a relationship, one person must be in feminine while the other is in masculine energy. It doesn’t matter which one, as long as you’re not the same. But women (just like men) need to be feminine at least some of the time, otherwise she feels dissatisfied.

The masculine person is the one who organises and plans, they are the givers, they look after everybody else, they control the finances, and the list goes on.

The feminine person just “is”. They let the masculine partner lead, they receive from the maculine partner and they are the softer, “receiving” person in the relationship, just going along with the flow in some ways.

My ideal man is very masculine, so I need to be careful not to switch into masculine energy, which has been my problem in the past. In the past I controlled the finances, I made all of the plans, I made sure things were organised, I would be the one to hook the DVD player to the TV, I was in control!

And I was VERY unhappy.

In my first marriage to a very masculine man, we clashed. And because he suffered from low self esteem, he would attack as his way of bringining me back down so he could feel better about himself. And I attacked back. Because I was also masculine in many ways.

In my second marriage, again I was in the masculine energy and again I was the one who controlled everything. My husband (bless him – he’s such a lovely man!) was more feminine in his energy. So while we were in opposite energy types, I wasn’t happy because I so desperately needed to be the girl and have my man look after things for once. So many times I tried to hand over the budgeting to him, but he refused, saying I was the brains of the family.

He and I are still great friends, and I hope we continue to stay that way. But I cannot be married to him because I need a masculine energy man.

Ok. So that brings me to now!

My current relationship wasn’t always a bed of roses, but for the most part it’s pretty good now. And it took a LOT of work on my part!

In the beginning, I was still struggling to let go of my masculine energy. My man would constantly point out how I was trying to control and manipulate him with my words and actions and he was so right!

Even now he sometimes says “Why do you have to plan absolutely everything down to the last detail??”. It annoys him that I feel this need to do this, so letting go of it has been difficult for me and sometimes I slip back into that masculine energy but usually pull myself out of it before it becomes an issue.

He and I had been on a roller coaster for a very long time. I often attacked him for things I “thought” he was doing (or thinking!), and I really struggled to give up control, constantly trying to get him to specifically tell me the status of our relationship. Of course he resisted (any man would!), and of course I would get upset by it.

Often would disappear into his “man cave” for a day or so just to get away from my intense energy! I’m surprised he even stuck around, because I really did make our lives hell for a very long time.

He was no angel either (it always takes two), but I can certainly see where my feelings and actions played a big part in how we were going.

So… how did I turn this around?

Here’s some of what I did – and these are some things you can apply in your relationship to see if it makes a difference:

• I stopped trying to control EVERYTHING
• I stopped worrying about our relationship and where it was going
• I stopped nagging him about the status of our relationship
• I stopped thinking about him constantly
• I learned to receive from him without feeling guilty (this was big for me. I had never been with such a generous man before, and probably felt a little “unworthy” of my man’s gifts. But as a masculine man, it makes him feel good when he gives)
• I made the decision to trust him 100% and stop worrying that he may hurt me
• I stopped trying to “trap” him by locking him in my “cage” and locking the door – he has his life and I have mine – he needed to be free to do that without upsetting me
• I finally believed that I am the prize and he is lucky to have me, and that if he didn’t want to be with me, then there were plenty around who did!
• I let him re-do my budget. This was VERY difficult for me because I’d always done my own budget because I was with men who were terrible with money and I constantly lived without while my men got what they want. My man did a great job I am pleased to say, and my finances are looking better and better every day!

So can you see here that I’ve not only let him take over some of the masculine tasks that I used to do, but I’ve also learned to let go, enjoy the moment and trust that he’s going to do what’s best for both of us.

I know this is a very vulnerable place to be in an emotional sense, but if I can’t open my heart to this man, what’s the point in having a future with him??

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if relationships were easy and you always new where you stood and life therefore was wonderful and effortless?

But of course we know that’s not the reality, and relationships can be downright confusing!

I don’t know of any relationship that is perfect – they all come with thier own challenges, but it’s how you handle these challenges that will make for a great relationship!

So today’s challenge is about dealing with a man who is withdrawing.

It doesn’t matter who you are or where you live, your man will probably withdraw at times during your relationship. Sometimes it’s more obvious than others, but it does happen to some extent.

Men can withdraw for the following reasons:

• They’re stressed about work
• They have things on their mind that may or may not have anything to do with you
• They’re tired
• They’re feeling uncertain about your relationship
• They just need some “man” time, alone

This is not an exhaustive list of why your man may be withdrawing, but it gives you a pretty clear indication that most of the time, they’re withdrawing for reasons that have absolutely NOTHING to do with you!

So that’s the good news!

The bad news is that many women respond quite badly to this – I’m speaking for myself too here!

I’ve been so worked up about why my man is withdrawing that I spend my day obsessing about what can be wrong! Why hasn’t he called me, why did he act kind of distant, why didn’t he say much, why does he not want to see me tonight?????

These and many other questions have gone through my mind at some point, and to be honest, this stuff is draining! And not only is it draining on you, but it’s also draining on him!

He may not be there in the room with you, but I’ll bet he can “feel” the negative vibe you’re putting out there! And this is not good, because it could make things worse.

But if you’re able to deal with his withdrawals in a calm and positive way, things will return to normal a lot sooner, and you may find that he seems to be moving closer to you.

So…. what do you do if your man is withdrawing?

Here’s some of the things I have learned from a relationship coach, as well as some things I’ve tried (that worked!) with my guy:

• Realise that he may withdrawing for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you – and in fact, this is most likely the case. Remember this point in particular – I think this one is our downfall in most cases!
• Let him have his space – we all need it sometimes.
• Don’t call him/text him/phone him, unless absolutely necessary, and NO making up excuses to contact him either!
• Wait for him to contact you – and when he does, be open and inviting. There is NO room for accusations here!
• Feel free, once he has contacted you, to tell him how it felt when he withdrew – remember, no accusations and just speak about how you felt. Eg. I feel so happy to hear from you! The last few days I’ve been feeling insecure/worried/upset because I didn’t hear from you. I hope everything is ok?
• Put your focus on to you! Do things you love to do and get your mind off him now! Maybe you could go out with friends, or you could pamper yourself, or maybe get involved in something you’re passionate about. Anything to get your thoughts OFF him!

I suppose the most important thing here is to get yourself to stop thinking about where he’s at, and concentrate on yourself during these times. Do something for YOU! Something that makes your heart sing! And this ties in to my earlier post about identifying your purpose in life. Work that out and you have something fabulous to focus on while your man is hiding in his “man cave”!