Archives for April 2016

Should I stay or should I leave? One way to help you make a very tough decision

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If you’re in a relationship that isn’t great, it’s not normally a simple decision to opt out of it – more often than not, there are a lot of things to consider before deciding whether to stay and work it out, or walk away.

What if you have kids? What about any combined assets? Do you have any cash put aside for a rainy day (if you don’t, this is always something that’s worth doing, no matter how good your relationship is!)?

You basically have three options at this point in time:

  1. Stay and try to work things out
  2. Stay and keep going as you are
  3. Leave

What often happens in a troubled relationship is that number 1 hasn’t worked, so you’re left with the remaining two options. But it’s still not a simple decision. Could you possibly live the way you are, for the rest of your life?

Before somebody walks from a relationship, the fear of things staying as they are is bigger than the fear of the unknown (walking away), but this isn’t often all that clear.

This is where the “Benefits and Drawbacks Grid” comes into play.

You see, what it does is get you to think of the benefits and drawbacks of both staying and leaving, and jot them down.

When you have all of these written down, it becomes painfully clear in the example below, that there’s not many reasons to stay listed there, and plenty of drawbacks for doing so.

 

Stay Leave
Benefits

– Family stays together
– Less “drama” to deal with
– Don’t have to sell the house/split assets

– A chance of meeting somebody who treats me how I want to be treated
– A chance to feel loved
– A chance to find happiness with myself
– My money will be my own – more control over my finances and therefore less financial struggle

Drawbacks

– I will feel unhappy
– I will feel trapped
– Finances will remain messy as they have been for years
– Lack of trust will eat at me
– Will start to resent him
– My sadness will likely eat at me and affect other family members
– Putting on a brave face is tiring

– I will need to start all over again
– I won’t be able to spend as much time with my daughter
– Family Breaks Apart
– House will be lost (sold)
– Having to admit that I failed (again)

This grid can be used for any other situation where you’re struggling to make a decision between two or more options.

I had a business client once use this to decide on the direction of her business. Writing each benefit and drawback on the grid really clarified for her which way she should take her business.

Do you have a situation where this tool would help you to make a tough decision?

How to move on after a breakup

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heartbreakLast Monday my boyfriend of three months (it was actually three months to the day since our first date) dropped the bombshell that he may have to move interstate, meaning that our relationship was basically doomed.

Without going into a lot of detail (as I wish to protect his privacy), there were a bunch of other things going on, and he told me he had to think about what he wanted to do about us.

I was obviouly stunned as things had been going very well with us, but I respected that he was dealing with some stuff right now. So I told him to go and work out what he wanted to do and I took a step back and let him go and work out what it was he wanted.

Fast forward to two days later and he told me that he could not do a relationship with anybody right now, given his situation and the various reasons he’d outlined two days prior.

Bottom line is, he did not want a relationship – with me – despite how perfect and wonderful I was and despite how strong his feelings were for me. What the?

My logical brain immediately started the “If I’m so great, then why can’t we just find a way to work this out?” dialog, but I value myself enough to NEVER beg a man to stay with me. If he wants out, then I’ll hold the door wide open for him.

You see, I don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t want to be with me. Why would I want that for myself, if only to bring me emotional pain?

So here’s what I told him: “If this is what you want, then I respect that. I feel sad that things couldn’t be worked out, but you have to do what feels right for you…”

We hugged, then I walked out his front door, knowing I would never visit his home again. Several tears were shed (by both of us) during that last visit…

Today is Sunday, so it’s been almost a week since the original bombshell was dropped and I’m doing well! I am focused on my goals again (this breakup has reignighted my passion to help others), I am focusing only on the positives in my life, and I am thinking of him only in fleeting moments, but no longer with sadness, but with gratitude instead. I had the pleasure of spending 3 months getting to know this lovely man and his beautiful children.

I wish for nothing but happiness for him and his beautiful family and just because he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with me, doesn’t make him a bad person. What it does make him is a bad person for ME, because as I said earlier, I don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t want to be with me!

So… how did I get to this point where I’m feeling not only ok, but really positive about my life, all in less than a week after our breakup?

Don’t get me wrong… I did experience a grieving process and the first few nights I hardly slept a wink. I also held a short pity party for myself, and trust me, it was NOT fun! It’s also not fun to think that yet again, I’ve got to go through the dating and getting to know somebody new, process – Ugh! I’ve done that a MILLION times! When will my big break come????

At the same time, I knew that I would be ok. I was happy before I met him, so of course I could be happy after he’s walked from my life. I also knew I had a whole lot of stuff to be grateful for, so here’s some of what I did over the last week:

  • I wrote in my gratitude journal – I listed several things every day, of what I am grateful for.
  • I focused on my upcoming girl’s weekend on a cruise ship – in 48 days I’ll be floating off on a comedy cruise with a bunch of girlfriends! Wooo! it’s always good to have something fun to look forward to.
  • I looked back at what the relationship had taught me – What did I gain in the way of knowledge and understanding of men in this relationship? What did I realise I DON’T want in future relationships (surprisingly there were quite a few things, despite how happy I was with him!!)? What did I realise I DO want in a future relationship (and again there were a few key things)?
  • I considered his reasons for not wanting to take things any further, and realised he had actually saved me from some seriously hard times in the future – what happened was actually in my best interests, long term!
  • And finally, I reminded myself that I am destined to do great things, so there would have to be an exceptionally amazing man out there who would be worthy enough to walk beside me on my journey. Clearly he and I have not met yet, and my now ex boyfriend was basically making some space for me to get ready to meet my “Mr Right”. Until then however, I am perfectly happy and ok on my own!

If you read back through my points above, you will notice a common, positive theme. I focused on all of the GOOD aspects of my life and of the breakup and of my former relationship.

Yes I learned some lessons, but learning is a GOOD thing, even if there were some tough and negative feelings felt initially.

I have the belief that I will be ok with or without a man – a man is not what I need to be complete – it’s happiness I want and need, and I can do that on my own, as can anybody else. It’s just a matter of makinc the CHOICE to be happy as opposed to sad and pining over a man who has opted out of your life. xxx <3