Archives for October 2015

Why does my love life suck? Three things you need to stop in order to turn things around

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A long time ago, I used to be a bit of a control freak. In fact, I was so good at it that I often didn’t even realise I was being controlling at the time! This is extremely masculine, so I might as well have been a man dressed as a women. Ugh! No wonder I was either butting heads or emasculating my men!

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I can now clearly see what I was doing with the men in my life, and how it affected my relationships. It wasn’t pretty.

I wish I’d known this before, because my love life would’ve been soooo much easier! But as they say, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”, and that’s what happened for me.

If your love life isn’t as you wished it would be, there’s a strong chance you’re doing one of the following things, that you need to absolutely STOP doing, starting right now!

Here they are:

1. You’re trying to control your partner – there’s maybe something about him that you don’t like, so you’re trying to get him to change. You could be attempting to manipulate him, or maybe you’re nagging him to change whatever it is you don’t like. Sometimes it’s so subtle, you may not realise you’re doing this, so some self-reflection is needed here, and be honest with yourself.

2. You’re trying to control the outcome – similar to the previous point, you’re wanting things to go a certain way, and you’re doing or saying things to try to change the outcome. You really need to stop all this doing!!!

3. You keep criticising, judging, advising, warning, coaxing, or trying to change him. Please stop this. He doesn’t need another parent, nor does he need another “man” in his life…. Also, you cannot change a man. Ever! Don’t even waste your energy trying to do so! Trust me! 😉

Ok, so there they are. And as you can see, these things are all about doing and about control.

As a woman, it’s important that you do not take on the masculine role of doing and controlling – that’s the man’s job!

If your relationships haven’t gone well in the past, experiment with stopping these things and see if it makes a difference to your love life! I’ve seen it first-hand, and I know you will too! <3

How to attract a good man

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A long long time ago, I didn’t like myself very much. My self esteem was very low and I wasn’t a happy girl at all.

I didn’t realise this at the time, but while I acted positive to the outside world, it was my inner thoughts that were ruling my life – those thoughts I wasn’t necesssarily conscious of, and they weren’t good thoughts.

There was a problem with this, and it shaped a big part of what was to become my life for 9 years.

You see, when you have these feelings of not being enough, of not liking yourself, you’re sending a message out to the Universe. You’re basically asking the Universe to send you more of the same.

So what did I attract?

I attracted a man who treated me the way I felt about myself – he treated me like I wasn’t good enough, he treated me as though he hated my guts sometimes!

What’s weird about this is that on some level I always knew he did love me, but he sure had a shitty way of showing it!

The day I walked away from that man was life-changing. I vowed to myself that I would never let myself go down that road again, and while I’ve had some challenging relationships since then, none were as volatile as this one.

Fast forward several years to now, after I’ve done a LOT of inner work, and there is no way a man like that would even be within my circles. I just don’t interact with men who are on that level. Instead I’m attracting good, caring, genuine men who are successful and treat me like a queen.

So what’s changed?

I’ve changed – a LOT!

I don’t just like myself, I LOVE who I have become! I am working in a job that I love, I have two beautiful daughters that I love dearly, I have good friends and family around me, I have many male admirers (one of whom would put a ring on my finger if I said the word), I am confident and I am truly happy.

So because I now value myself so much, it’s like I’ve filtered out the men who would treat a woman as low value. I’m only attracting good, quality men. Yes, I’m still single, and that’s in part due to circumstances outside of myself, but I’m perfectly ok with that.

Low value men no longer stand a chance with me, because I value myself enough that I won’t even let them in anymore. And even if a low value man was able to “trick” his way into my life, he wouldn’t last long. Why? Because I have this strong belief that to make room for what you want, you must remove from your life what you don’t want. And I’d have no issues with doing that.

So the trick to attracting a good man is to first love and value yourself more than you love and value anybody else. That way you will make the right choices for you, and won’t tolerate what doesn’t serve you.

What happens when you do that is that you become this attracting force that men can’t resist, and all you have to do is weed out those that don’t meet your very high standards! Easy peasy! 😉

Upset because your guy isn’t texting or calling? Time to put things in perspective!

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Stressing about whether some dude has called or texted you in the last few days??

Some time ago a friend of mine wrote a book to tell her story, and it was her story that seriously woke me up to what’s important in life – and it’s not some guy who doesn’t text or call!

This friend lost her husband when he committed suicide. They’d been arguing a lot and one night she decided to stay at a gf’s house. The next morning she arrived home to find the police there – he had killed himself.

She went into a deep depression after this, and a year later decided to take her own life in Bali (so her parents wouldn’t have to ID her body).

Her friends found out she was going to Bali and invited themselves along because they thought she was going as a tribute to her husband as it was a year after his death, and they wanted to support her. She didn’t have the energy to tell them no.

Their first night in Bali, they were at a bar when it was blown up (the Bali bombings). Her friends were killed. And she survived.

I can’t even try to understand or even imagine what she went through, despite reading all about it in her book. I did cry a lot!

But the thing is, what I go through on a day to day basis is nowhere near close to what she’s been through.

So it’s time to put things in perspective people!

He’s just a guy! If he doesn’t text, it’s because he doesn’t want to. If he’s not making you feel cherished, he doesn’t want to!

And if you don’t like that, go find someone who will. Your issues are an easy fix compared to hers, don’t you think??? xxx

Could your partner be cheating on you?

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Are things not going as well with your man as you would like it to? Does something feel off, but you’re not sure what it is? Could your partner be cheating on you??

Almost a decade ago I met a couple who were telling me that for 25 years of their marriage, he had been cheating on her. What the? Why on earth were they still together???? I was intrigued by their story and I learned a lot from it. I spent a great deal of time talking to this couple about the workings of their marriage, and I will never forget what they taught me.

This couple were doing their thing, teaching other couples how to deal with infidelity, whether it means staying together or amicably going your separate ways, but what I found most intriguing were the reasons behind why a cheater cheats.

Many people are quick to point the finger at the cheater, and while I will never condone cheating, I now have an understanding of why somebody cheats.

Basically it comes down to the 3 A’s and the 3C’s. What are they, you ask? Let me elaborate:

For men:

Acknowledged – a man needs to feel acknowledged for what he does.

Appreciated – a man needs to know that whatever he does, it’s appreciated

Admired – a man needs to feel admired for what he does (probably an ego thing!)

 

For women:

Cherished – a woman needs to feel cherished by her man

Cared for – a woman needs to know that her man will take care of her

Certainty – a woman needs security, a certainty that he’s there for her

 

Seems pretty basic huh, but if any of these things are missing, it’s likely one of you is going to stray, and more often than not, it’s the man.

As I’m writing this from a female perspective (and not because I want to bash men), I’m going to talk more about why a man cheats.

Do you get stuck into your guy the second he walks in the door? Are you acting all controlling or making him wrong for everything he does? Does he constantly let you down and do you constantly remind him of this fact?

I know a man who cheated on his wife, and he told me that while he was at work, he was a superstar. Everybody loved and admired him – everybody showed their appreciation for his hard work, and he never felt like he was letting somebody down.

On the other hand, the second he walked in the door at home, he could not do a single thing right. All of a sudden that pedestal he had been on all day, was ripped away.

Can you see why he had to get his validation elsewhere? His wife certainly wasn’t giving him any. He never felt like he was good enough.

But let’s look at things from her perspective… He was rarely home, as he was working so hard, so some of those 3 C’s were missing for her too.

But was it a good idea for her to handle her frustration the way she did, making him “wrong” for everything he did?

If Dr Phil was talking to her, he would ask, “How’s that working for you?”

I’m betting not well.

So… while your partner could be cheating on you, what are YOU doing to push him away?

I don’t agree with cheating, but I do understand why people do it, and if you suspect your guy is cheating, please stop and look at how pleasant you are to be around.

Maybe you could handle things differently? Maybe you can show appreciation for the good things, and take some space when you notice the bad? Maybe you need to get more of a life outside of him, so you’re not relying on him as your sole source of entertainment?

Either way, what you’re doing now isn’t working, so why not try something different? <3