Archives for June 2015

Are you being the girlfriend to a guy who’s not your boyfriend?

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I had dinner last night with a guy I used to date. We are close friends now, but once upon a time we were spending every free moment together. We were never heading towards “relationship territory” (long story, but it was agreed before we started dating that it could not be more), but he fell for me, despite his efforts not to.

I had strong feelings for him in that I cared for him deeply, but I did not want more from him, and that worked well for both of us.

So these strong feelings he had for me didn’t mean anything though because a relationship was never on the cards, but after our conversation last night, it was clear that when I was with him, I was “doing” everything right!

I’ll continue my story, and let’s call this guy Steve.

So to backtrack a year and a half, when I met a guy who later became my boyfriend, I didn’t see much of Steve, and he was very supportive of me and happy that I had met somebody who could give me the “whole package”. So he kept in touch occasionally to say hi, but that was it.

Steve went on to date another woman (let’s call her Lisa). Lisa was quite different to me, however she and Steve got along really well. They spent a lot of time together and had lots of fun, however Steve could tell she was falling for him, and he was feeling a little wary about that, and started pulling back.

Last night he told me how she would turn up at his house with cleaning products, and would start cleaning his house. Huh? They weren’t even in a relationship, but here she was acting like his girlfriend or wife!

I never cleaned his house. I never offered to cook for him. I never really did much for him at all, except show him gratitude and express how happy I was when I was with him. We had lots of fun and he spoiled me rotten, so I always showed my appreciation. But that’s all I ever did.

He told me many times how happy it made him to see the happy smile on my face (nawww!). :)

So he went on to say that he never really felt connected with her like he did with me, but here she was doing all these things for him. Why didn’t he feel the same way for her as he did for me? He also said that on many occasions he would feel the need to pull back even further, especially when she started leaving her personal items at his house!

What I learned from this conversation is that he is real living proof that to really connect with a man and have his feelings grow for you, all you have to “do” is just “be”!

We were not in a relationship, so I never felt the need to act like we were. I just remained warm and open and feminine and let him do all of the “doing”. HE took care of ME – not the other way around.

I guess he felt masculine when he was taking care of me, and it was nice for me to stay feminine and let him do just that. It worked perfectly in the sense that this guy couldn’t help but fall in love with me. Oops!

He and I are still good friends and will stay that way and we’ll both have each other in a special place in our hearts. I learned so much from my time with him – it was the best, and most fun lesson of my life! xxx

How to tell if a guy is into you

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I see it every day… a woman is angry or upset because the guy she’s dating isn’t stepping up. She’s always wondering if he really likes her, or if he’s just using her for sex.

She spends countless hours of her day psycho analysing his text messages, wondering why he’s not asked to see her on a given day, or even made contact in over 12 hours!

Here’s the thing…

If a guy is truly into you, you’ll know it. And you will know it without a doubt!

I learned a few years ago (the hard way) that it was important to let a man lead the way in a dating and relationship situation. So that meant that I had to learn to do what they call “leaning back”.

Leaning back is about letting a man come to me. Letting him initiate most contact, letting him plan dates, letting him take things where he wants them to go.

For the female control freaks of this world, that’s a whole different way of doing things, because it means that all of a sudden, you’re not sending him texts to ask what he’s doing on any given day, or asking to see him. What the??

I know I know… it’s scary to let that control go, right?

But let me tell you, from my experience, if you can master this leaning back thing, your love life is going to improve significantly!

Here’s one of two things that leaning back will accomplish:

  1. He will not make contact with you, and will basically fade over time.
  2. He will step up, will initiate contact, will plan dates, will show you where he wants things to go.

These are both good outcomes, and here’s why…

If he comes under the #1 category and starts to fade over time, he’s done you a favour. Who wants a guy who is not into them?? Duh! This guy is basically weeding himself out to make room for a new guy who will step up and become category #2!

If he’s #2, he’ll show you what he wants and where he wants this to go. He will leave no doubt as to where he’s at. And you will know he’s making contact with you, purely because he wants to, and not because he feels obligated.

So how can you tell if a guy is into you? Let’s see…

  • He initiates contact – a man does what he wants to do. He also doesn’t do what he doesn’t want to do. So if he is contacting you, it’s because he wants to!
  • He makes an effort to see you – same as the point above. He will make an effort to see you because he wants to.
  • He is open about how he feels about you – sometimes it takes time to reach this point, but if you keep that leaning back thing happening and let him lead the way, he’ll get there in his own time. Just watch your timelines vs his – they could be VERY different.
  • He compliments you, he does nice things for you, he shows through his words and his actions that he likes being with you.
  • You feel good when you’re with him and when you’re not. You feel secure with him, because he gives you no reason to feel insecure.

Ok, there’s probably loads more things a guy can show you that he’s into you, but bottom line is this… If he disappears for days on end, rarely makes contact, doesn’t really make much effort to talk to you, see you or make you happy, then you can rest assured that he’s lukewarm at best. xxx