Archives for May 2014

It’s time to get real – is your guy really all that great?

Butterfly 70x70

I received a private message from a lovely person who was grieving the loss of a guy, who from my perspective, was giving her nothing but crumbs.

She was absolutely devastated at losing this guy, and here’s what I said to her…

“Based on what you’ve told me, you are pining over a guy who clearly wasn’t prepared to have a relationship with you, plus he wasn’t offering you anything but crumbs – everything was on his terms. So you were basically pining over his potential and not the reality.

So if I were you, I’d get real with myself about how things really were (yes, there was the occasional affection from him. With or without sex, that means nothing, btw), realise he was offering you nothing, then get clear about what you really want in a man and paint a picture of him in your mind. Once you have that picture, start telling yourself that he’s out there. One day you may start to believe it, and when you do, watch out! ;)”

All too often we get caught up in how we would love things to be. Or we get this notion in our head that some day he’ll wake up and realise what he’s got, and finally step up. But the reality is that right now, things are not as you wish them to be.

So here’s what you need to do if you find yourself pining over a guy you just broke up with (or you could still be with him and you’re contemplating whether this is serving you or not!)…

  • Get out a pen and paper, and write down what you want. How should your guy treat you? How should you feel in his presence?
  • Get real. Was he really all that great? Was everything about him and how he treated you, exactly how you liked it? Seriously?
  • How did you feel most of the time when you were with him? Completely comfortable and able to be yourself? Or were you constantly watching what you said, to make sure you didn’t turn him off or push him away?
  • Get serious about whether your guy was all about you, or all about himself. You may be surprised.
  • If you had a daughter, would you love it for her to be in a relationship with a guy like this?

You need to be 100% honest with yourself here.

And once you’ve done all of that, get out there and date! Be open to dating men you wouldn’t normally date. The reason I say this is because more often than not, we tend to go for the men who seem harder to get, rather than the ones who are likely to actively pursue us.

It’s actually a strange feeling to go from an emotionally unavailable guy, to one who is completely focused on you, and sometimes (as I feel with my new guy) you will wonder if this is all too easy!

In fact, many of us reject guys who are all about us, because we either don’t think we are worthy, or we think something may be wrong with him if he likes us so much!

Silly huh?

I now know what it’s like to feel adored, and after also being the recipient of crumbs, I now know what I want for myself – and its the easy option! <3

Why does my guy keep saying he can’t win with me?

couple.jpg

coupleDoes your guy complain that no matter what he does, it’s never the right thing? Does he get all frustrated, saying that he just cannot please you, no matter what he does?

Here is a question that was put to me this morning…

Hi Michelle,

My guy said to me last night that he was feeling frustrated because he didn’t know what was up with me. He had to keep guessing, because whenever he suggested something to do, I would just pull away and not say anything.

He feels unappreciated, like no matter what he does, he cannot please me.  He also said that he’s fine for me to plan a date, or tell him what I want to do, but doesn’t that go against what we’ve been taught about being feminine?

So instead I just cancel instead of telling him.

HELP!

Melissa

This is a common problem, because we don’t want to come across as unappreciative or harsh, and we certainly don’t want to come across as masculine, so how do we deal with situations like this?

Here’s my answer…

Hi Melissa

I think you’re saying that he’s asking you to be more open about when you’re not happy with a plan he suggests, right?

Well here’s the thing… I do believe that it’s ok to express when something doesn’t sit well with you, but there’s a way to go about it. Plus you’ve you’ve got to make it totally about you and not about him.

Being inauthentic and pretending you’re ok with it, or just shutting him out, will not work. In fact, it will most likely push him away.

He’s not a mind reader, so he cannot possibly know what’s up with you, and as you are shutting him out, he’s left feeling confused and like he can’t please you, no matter what he does. Eventually he will give up trying.

So…sometimes a guy’s going to suggest something that you’re not 100% happy about, and that’s to be expected – we can’t all be perfect all of the time!

Sometimes when you’re getting to know someone, it’s difficult to know straight away what they like and don’t like doing. So as feminine women, we let them lead. Sometimes they will suggest something that’s not exactly what we would love to do, but the fact that they bothered deserves some appreciation.

For the most part, going with the flow will work well for you. But it’s also ok to express your thoughts on other things you’d like to do, without “demanding” it of him.

In conversation, maybe you can say something like “I really appreciate what you planned for us tonight! I really feel special/cared for/whatever! Maybe we could also try xxx some day…that would be so much fun!”.

Bottom line is that we must be warm and open and show appreciation for what they’re doing. Men want to feel appreciated for their efforts, and even if the effort wasn’t exactly what you wanted, it was still an effort.

And if after all that, he still doesn’t suggest a date that you would really enjoy, then you will need to do things a little differently (while smiling!), such as… “It would feel really good to do something different tonight…what do you think?”

So you’ve not shown a lack of appreciation, but rather expressed a preference.

Eventually a good guy will get the message! 😉