Archives for February 2012

Is your guy withdrawing? Here’s what you can do…

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I’ve been on this planet long enough to know that sometimes your guy is going to withdraw. I also know that it’s 99% of the time unrelated to anything I’ve said or done.

The problem is, as a woman, I’m usually inclined to worry about this – a LOT! And I start telling myself stories, and trying to get into his head, wondering what I have done wrong, or maybe the relationship is over, or or or…!

This kind of thinking can drive you batty! I know this because I’ve done it – a million times!

So if your guy is withdrawing, what can you do?

Well, the first thing is to STOP thinking about him! You can ask him what’s wrong, and if he tells you it’s nothing, or it’s nothing to do with you, then it’s time to take your mind off him and go do something else.

If it is you that’s bothering him, then that’s something else. But for today we’re going to assume that you have done nothing wrong and he’s withdrawing for some unknown reason of his that has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Ok, so first you need to understand that most men process their thoughts differently to us women. We tend to want to talk it out with each other, or withour partners. But men are totally different. They tend to internalise their thoughts before they’re prepared to talk things through. I’m not sure this is healthy, but my experience shows that this is how most work through their problems.

Right. So we have that clear. Now what?

I’m going to list below a few of the gazillion things you can do if you sense your man is withdrawing. You can choose to do one of these things, or all of them if you’re that way inclined! But the point here is to take your focus right off him and on to YOU!

Ok here goes:

  • Pick up a good book, and read! Get lost in the story! Escape reality for a while!
  • Paint your nails
  • Do your hair in a fancy style – just for the sake of it
  • Arrange to catch up with friends you’ve not seen in a while
  • Become a member of www.meetup.com and join some groups which match your interests – this is a great way to meet like-minded people! And it’s good if you’re like me and have not had the chance to make new friends where you live.
  • Go to the movies
  • Go to lunch/dinner with friends
  • If you’re into meditation, get yourself comfortable, and meditate!
  • Get involved in a hobby
  • Exercise
  • Dance around your house while you listen to loud music
  • Take up a team sport
  • Go rollerblading
  • Do anything that’s FUN!

I’ve been big on lists the last couple of days, and you may notice a double-up. But my point here is to really take your focus off your man and put it back where it belongs – on to you! Life is short, and definitely too short to be focused on something that most likely has absolutely nothing to do with you, so get out there and enjoy life!

What will happen is, when your man comes out of his “funk” he’ll come looking for you. And what he will find is not a stressed out shell of a woman, but a beautiful and vibrant example of a woman who embraces life and loves herself enough to forget about him and love herself!

This will bring him closer to you than ever before! 😉

What to do if you ever feel like you’re not good enough

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If you’ve ever felt like you’re good enough it’s because of stories you’ve told yourself, or things other people have said to you in the past – and you believed those things.

I had a great family life as a child. I have two brothers and a sister who I love dearly, my parents were supportive and loving, but I somehow ended up with very low self esteem and feeling as though I just couldn’t measure up.

Where did this come from??

Some of it came from school. Kids are cruel sometimes, and unfortunately I wasn’t equipped to handle this, and I took everything they said to me, to heart. I began to believe their words, and I internalised them, and they became a part of who I was.

Fast forward a few years and I found myself married to a verbally abusive and controlling man. Ick! I cringe now at the thought of ending up with somebody like that, because I wouldn’t wish it on anybody!

So many times I considered taking my own life, just so I could be away from all of this pain!

So why didn’t I just leave him?

Because I really didn’t think I was good enough. I wasn’t good enough to find somebody better, I wasn’t good enough to get out there on my own, I wasn’t good enough to have a better life.

So I kept telling myself these negative stories, but a little voice inside me kept speaking up and telling me that I deserved so much better, and to look at my good points, and to focus more on those!

It took a long time, but I eventually broke out of that negative pattern and began to believe that yes, I was in fact good enough and I did deserve better!

I was lucky in that my parents had begun to drum this stuff into my head several years earlier, but not everybody has parents as clever as mine!

So what can you do if you feel like you’re not good enough?

Try these things and see if they help:

  • Grab a notebook and write down 5 things you like about yourself. These can be physical or something related to your wonderful personality! Add to this list every day if you can!
  • Refer back to this list throughout your day – stick them where you will see them regularly.
  • Take extra care when you get ready for your day. Apply makeup, do your hair, dress in a way that makes you feel good about yourself.
  • Choose a day this coming week where you will pretend that you ARE in fact good enough, for the entire day, and on this day, take note of every little thing that happens differently.
  • Smile! If you smile, you can’t help but feel a little better about yourself, even if it’s a teeny smile! :)

Every little positive thing you do for yourself will make a difference. As you “teach” yourself to act more positively, you will attract more positive events into your life.

Try this for a month and see what a difference it makes!

Taking your focus off your man – the key to creating lasting attraction

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I don’t know about you, but I can sometimes obsess about many aspects of my life, including my man. And it does absolutely nothing to serve me, and in fact makes things harder for me sometimes.

So let me give you an example…

My social circle isn’t so great, so I do kind of rely on him a bit for entertainment and company, and while this isn’t the ideal situation, it has worked for the most part – until recently!

Whenever he’s out doing his own thing (which he should do – it’s healthy to have our own lives too), I often find myself at a loose end. And if I’ve got nothing else to do, I find that I am thinking about him more than I really want to be thinking about him.

This is NOT good for my vibe, and I begin to feel tense and unhappy. And I know he’s sensing it, and it creates pressure and tension in the relationship. NOT good!

So until now I’ve had difficulty in moving my focus, which is why having a list is a great idea! This list will contain things you like to do! The list can include activities with other people, things you can do yourself, or a list of places you would like to go.

Here’s some examples of the types of things you can have on your list which will remove your focus off your man and boost your vibe to create lasting attraction:

  1. Read a book
  2. Clean out some clutter
  3. Go for a walk/run/ride
  4. Join a Meetup.com group and attend a social event
  5. Give your dog a bath
  6. If you have a hobby, go and do it
  7. Meditate
  8. Do some gardening
  9. Paint your nails
  10. Wash and style your hair – even if you’re staying home!
  11. Volunteer for a charity
  12. Go shopping – even window shopping!
  13. Watch YouTube videos about a topic you’re interested in
  14. Do some study (if you’re doing a course etc)
  15. If you live close enough, go and sit by the ocean and breathe in the salt air
  16. Go for a swim
  17. Turn on some music, sing along at the top of you voice!
  18. Call a friend you’ve not talked to in a while
  19. Write in your Gratitude Journal
  20. Create a Vision Board

This is a list of 20 out of a possible GAZILLION ideas to take your mind off your man!

Just last night I joined around 15 meetup groups and I intend to join more today. There are so many fun and exciting things you can do if you just look for ideas!

What will appear on your list? Do you care to share? :-)

Setting clear boundaries in relationships

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For many years I was a bit of a doormat. If I was treated badly, I would express my unhappiness about it, but would not set clear boundaries around it. So it would happen again and again and again.

I’m speaking from a woman’s perspective here, but what I have learned over the years is that most men will do whatever they can get away with. So if you choose to let him treat you badly, then he’ll continue to do so.

My first marriage is the perfect example of that. The verbal abuse continued because I gave my husband absolutely no good reason to stop.

Setting boundaries is about what you will tolerate in your relationship and what you won’t tolerate. And sticking to your boundaries is essential!

What’s difficult for women in relationships is that they’re not prepared to walk away from bad behaviour. So while she’s saying to her man that she doesn’t like the way he’s treating her (OMG I can so relate!), she’s not prepared to walk away from it either. So he will continue to do what he can get away with doing.

So how do you set clear boundaries and most importantly, how do you stick to them?

At first it’s hard, because it all starts with learning to love yourself and acknowledging your self worth. If you know he’s lucky to have you, without any shadow of doubt, you’ll have a lot less trouble sticking to your boundaries.

So just last week I made the decision that there were some things in my relationship that I just wasn’t happy with. He was coming over to talk to me that night and I was mentally preparing for the end of our relationship.

I was ok with it ending because I knew that if he didn’t want to treat me how I wanted to be treated, then there were plenty of other men in this world who would love to! So I knew everything would be ok, despite the outcome.

Fast forward to that night where I clearly expressed how I was feeling and stating my boundaries and telling him what I don’t want in my life, and he totally turned things around.

In fact, he started doing things immediately to prove to me how much he was committed to me. And here I was expecting that we were over!

We do still have a way to go, and setting boundaries is an ongoing process, but for now I feel good that I have stood up for what I believe in and will not accept less than I am worthy of.

What is upsetting you in your relationship right now? What boundaries can you set and stick to, which will boost your happiness?

What is your Plan B?

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If you’ve ever read up on the Law of Attraction and other principles relating to attracting what you want, you will understand that in order to manifest what you desire, you must believe without any doubt, that you will achieve your goal, in order to actually achieve it.

On the other hand, you can pretty much guarantee that you will experience failure if you don’t believe you will achieve your goal.

This is true and is something I’ve seen time and time again. But there’s another factor that comes into play here, that many people overlook.

And that is “detachment”.

Detachment is when you believe you will achieve your goal – but your life and happiness does not depend on it.

You’ll be ok whether you achieve it or not.

Trying to become detached is hard though!

Do you ever remember being so caught up in your desire, that the thought of it being ok to not have it is just not an option??

Several years ago when I was still with my former husband, we decided we wanted to buy a house. I was pregnant with my youngest daughter, and at the time we were living in a rented house that was freezing in the winter, and like a sauna in the summer – it was awful! And not a good place for a pregnant woman to be!

So that was the driver in our desire to buy a house of our own – with air conditioning and heating!

So we started on our search and eventually found the house of our dreams! I then started looking for a home loan and eventually found the perfect loan for us.

We applied, and we were told that upon initial review it was looking really good. Yay! We were EXCITED!

And that’s when things turned bad.

All of a sudden the bank was finding “issues” with our application, there were more hoops we had to jump through, and it seemed that they were just making things difficult for us, just for the hell of it! I was very stressed and upset by this but chose to do what the bank wanted, jumping through hoop after hoop (not a good look when you’re pregnant! haha!), but one day I finally snapped.

I decided that I would rather NOT have the house if I had to put up with any more of this rubbish! In fact, I even started looking at other rental properties and had noted down a couple for us to look at the following weekend.

So I was now at a point where I would be happy if we had the loan approved, but I’d also be ok if we didn’t (even if the alternative wasn’t my preference) – I had a Plan B forming, and I was ok with Plan B!

Later that day, I received a telephone call to tell me that our loan had been approved. Hooray!

So as you can see, the moment I decided I would be ok despite the outcome, was when things went our way. Prior to that, I was totally attached to the outcome – I didn’t want to live in my rental house any longer, and I just wanted this loan approved like my life depended on it!

What happens when you’re so hung up on what you want is that you’re sending out a feeling of “lack”. It’s like you’re thinking (often without even realising it) that if you don’t receive what it is you want, your life will suck!

And we all know what happens if we think our life is going to suck, right??? That’s right – it’ll suck!

No matter what it is you want to achieve, have a Plan B in place that you are ok with.

This doesn’t mean you can’t 100% believe you can manifest what you desire. You just need to do what any astute entrepreneur would do when setting up a business; you will have contingency plans in place to allow you to deal with any unforseen events which may get in the way!

So what is it that you desire right now, and if for some reason you could not have that desire, what is your Plan B?

Interview tips – What to do to improve your chances of landing the perfect job

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Those of you who know me, also know that not only do I have a “real” job, but I am also a Life Coach (of course!) a freelance writer, and for a time I was a web marketing consultant. Phew!

So last week a colleague of mine from another floor of the building I work in, called me to tell me about a new position which had my name written all over it!

She emailed the position description and it looks like it was written for me! Every time I read it, I feel more and more excited!

But being excited is not going to land me that job, right?

So here are a few tips to help to grt you and me on your way to landing the perfect job:

  • You need to prepare

This is essential, especially if you have competition going for the same job. There are no prizes for second place!

Grab a notebook and write down five of your most valuable strengths, relating them if you can to the position (often a position description will highlight the type of person they’re after). Are you a hard worker, are you goal oriented, do you work well under pressure, are you a team player?

  • Demonstrate that you’re a good fit for the job

Your interviewer will be looking for the best person for the job, so it’s up to you to prove to them that you meet their criteria.

List the job requirements, point by point, and come up with examples of how you have met each of these requirements – write them all down.

  • Research

Go online and find out as much as you can about the organisation. While doing so, think of any questions you might want to ask about the organisation.

Asking your questions in a way that shows you took the time to do some research will show that you’re keen to learn more about the organisation.

  • Re-read your cover letter and resume

Highlight your past achievements and keep them in mind for during the interview.

  • Dress appropriately

First impressions matter and if you’re not dressed appropriately, you may do yourself out of that dream job.

  • Arrive on time (preferably a few minutes early)

Turning up late is a huge no-no – be prepared.

  • Handling your nerves

I don’t know anybody who isn’t at least a teeny bit nervous during an interview. If you’re anything like me, you’re likely to go off on a tangent, talking a thousand miles an hour! During an interview is the time to try to keep this in check! Take some deep breaths, and think about your answers before giving them.

  • Ask questions

If you have questions along the way (or even if you have thought up questions before) you can ask them during the interview.

  • Answer every question as honestly as you can

Provide complete answers too. Your interviewers are wanting to know if you’re a good fit for the job, so the more “evidence” you can give them (without going overboard) the better.

  • Avoid negative statements about past employers

You may hate your current or previous jobs or employers, but now is not the time to bring that up.

And there you have it!

Good luck!