Archives for January 2012

Achieving success begins with believing it’s coming

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For as long as I can remember, I have known I was destined for bigger things. I remember the night when I came to the realisation that my whole purpose in life was to help others. I had no idea back then how I would be providing this help, but I knew with all my heart that some day I was going to help people to make thier lives better.

Thinking back to that time, I was in a verbally abusive relationship with the man who would eventually become my first husband, our financial situation was dismal at best, and I was nowhere near achieving success in my own life.

But I knew it was coming, even though I didn’t know how.

Fast forward to almost 20 years later and I am a certified life coach, I have clients all over the world, I am successful in a career sense (my “real” job), making more money than I thought I would be at this stage of my life, I have skills and knowlege that can make me several hundred dollars (if not more) in any given month if I want to, and I still know there’s so much more to come!

And while I continue to have this belief, I know it will keep on coming!

But what if I’d not been so sure of my future? What if I didn’t beleive I was destined for more? Do you think I would have achieved what I have so far in my life? I’m thinking not!

I’ve had my ups and downs over the years. I have had two marriages end, been involved in a rocky relationship since, and have felt very lost at times. But I never stopped believing that something bigger was coming.

Do you believe there’s more for you out there?

Are your actions pushing away what you desire the most?

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Today I’m going to talk a little about relationships and how your actions can draw a man in or push him away and what you can do to turn this around if you find your man withdrawing.

After two failed marriages, lots of dates and even more research on this topic, I have a pretty good understanding of the way relationship dynamics work, and I also understand just how wrong I was getting it for so many years! Who would’ve thought that my incessant need to plan and organise was part of the problem in my past relationships??? I certainly didn’t!

But the key is awareness. I am now aware what a man likes and doesn’t like and I also know that by making a few key internal changes, I can completely transform my relationships for the better! And I’ve done just that with my man!

Now, I’m going to use me as a prime example of what not to do…

But first I want to discuss masculine and feminine energy. In any happy and healthy relationship there’s got to be a balance of masculine and feminine energy.

Without this balance, you have constant conflict, feelings of dissatisfaction, and a whole host of problems in your relationship.

In a relationship, one person must be in feminine while the other is in masculine energy. It doesn’t matter which one, as long as you’re not the same. But women (just like men) need to be feminine at least some of the time, otherwise she feels dissatisfied.

The masculine person is the one who organises and plans, they are the givers, they look after everybody else, they control the finances, and the list goes on.

The feminine person just “is”. They let the masculine partner lead, they receive from the maculine partner and they are the softer, “receiving” person in the relationship, just going along with the flow in some ways.

My ideal man is very masculine, so I need to be careful not to switch into masculine energy, which has been my problem in the past. In the past I controlled the finances, I made all of the plans, I made sure things were organised, I would be the one to hook the DVD player to the TV, I was in control!

And I was VERY unhappy.

In my first marriage to a very masculine man, we clashed. And because he suffered from low self esteem, he would attack as his way of bringining me back down so he could feel better about himself. And I attacked back. Because I was also masculine in many ways.

In my second marriage, again I was in the masculine energy and again I was the one who controlled everything. My husband (bless him – he’s such a lovely man!) was more feminine in his energy. So while we were in opposite energy types, I wasn’t happy because I so desperately needed to be the girl and have my man look after things for once. So many times I tried to hand over the budgeting to him, but he refused, saying I was the brains of the family.

He and I are still great friends, and I hope we continue to stay that way. But I cannot be married to him because I need a masculine energy man.

Ok. So that brings me to now!

My current relationship wasn’t always a bed of roses, but for the most part it’s pretty good now. And it took a LOT of work on my part!

In the beginning, I was still struggling to let go of my masculine energy. My man would constantly point out how I was trying to control and manipulate him with my words and actions and he was so right!

Even now he sometimes says “Why do you have to plan absolutely everything down to the last detail??”. It annoys him that I feel this need to do this, so letting go of it has been difficult for me and sometimes I slip back into that masculine energy but usually pull myself out of it before it becomes an issue.

He and I had been on a roller coaster for a very long time. I often attacked him for things I “thought” he was doing (or thinking!), and I really struggled to give up control, constantly trying to get him to specifically tell me the status of our relationship. Of course he resisted (any man would!), and of course I would get upset by it.

Often would disappear into his “man cave” for a day or so just to get away from my intense energy! I’m surprised he even stuck around, because I really did make our lives hell for a very long time.

He was no angel either (it always takes two), but I can certainly see where my feelings and actions played a big part in how we were going.

So… how did I turn this around?

Here’s some of what I did – and these are some things you can apply in your relationship to see if it makes a difference:

  • I stopped trying to control EVERYTHING
  • I stopped worrying about our relationship and where it was going
  • I stopped nagging him about the status of our relationship
  • I stopped thinking about him constantly
  • I learned to receive from him without feeling guilty (this was big for me. I had never been with such a generous man before, and probably felt a little “unworthy” of my man’s gifts. But as a masculine man, it makes him feel good when he gives)
  • I made the decision to trust him 100% and stop worrying that he may hurt me
  • I stopped trying to “trap” him by locking him in my “cage” and locking the door – he has his life and I have mine – he needed to be free to do that without upsetting me
  • I finally believed that I am the prize and he is lucky to have me, and that if he didn’t want to be with me, then there were plenty around who did!
  • I let him re-do my budget. This was VERY difficult for me because I’d always done my own budget because I was with men who were terrible with money and I constantly lived without while my men got what they want. My man did a great job I am pleased to say, and my finances are looking better and better every day! :-)

So can you see here that I’ve not only let him take over some of the masculine tasks that I used to do, but I’ve also learned to let go, enjoy the moment and trust that he’s going to do what’s best for both of us.

I know this is a very vulnerable place to be in an emotional sense, but if I can’t open my heart to this man, what’s the point in having a future with him??

How can I make a difficult decision?

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Sometimes when you’re forced to make a difficult decision, you ponder it over and over again, not knowing which way to turn.  It can be stressful (depending on the situation) and coming to a decision seems almost impossible.

When you have a decision to make, you’re obviously faced with choices.  Will I go with Option 1 or with Option 2?

More often than not, it’s difficult to see which option poses the most benefits or drawbacks, which is where this tool comes in.

This tool is called the Benefits and Drawbacks Grid.

This grid has helped many of my clients to come to a decision they’ve been pondering for what seems like forever.  It finally provided them with the clarity they needed to choose with option to go with.

So here’s what you do…

  1. Replace the words “Option 1” and “Option 2” with what each of your choices are.  You  can add extra columns if you have more than two choices, but I’ve used just two here to give you an example.
  2. List all of the benefits and drawbacks for each option in the relevant box.  So for Option 1, in the top left hand box you will write down all of the benefits for that option.  In the box below that, you will write down all of the drawbacks of this option.  Repeat this process for Option 2.  You may need to think long and hard about this, but brainstorm your ideas and write them as they come to mind.
  3. Once you have finished this step, review the grid and see if one option stands out as the preference to the other.  Sometimes this is quite obvious, but at other times it’s not so obvious and you may need to decide if the benefits and drawbacks of one are better/worse than the other.

 

Option 1

Option 2

Benefits

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Drawbacks

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is just one of the many tools you can use to make a decision and it’s great because seeing your lists on paper really helps you to clearly see where the clear benefits and drawbacks for each option are.

Until next time, have a fantastic day!

What are your core values?

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What are your core values?  What do you value most in life?  And why is it so important to know what these are when you’re working out your goals and objectives?

What often happens when goals and objectives are being identified is that they may look pretty impressive, and they may also get you quite excited, but if they’re not aligned to your values, you will very quickly lose momentum and eventually give up.

Here’s an example:  Sandy has a goal to become an executive manager in the company she works for.  She’s really excited about this prospect and of course the benefits and perks that come with being in such a senior position.  

Sandy then sits down and works out her top 10 core values from the list below, and what she finds is that “Having a family” is right up there in her top 10.

Now, can you see that there could be a conflict here?  While Sandy would like to be promoted to an executive position which could require a LOT of focus on her work, possibly working long hours and of course being under a lot of pressure, she would really like to start a family too.

Anybody that has a young family would understand that maintaining a balance between work and family can be difficult at the best of times, and Sandy may struggle with her climb up the corporate ladder if she also wants to focus on having children.

This is not to say that it is not possible for Sandy to have both, but she will really have to think hard about what sacrifices she’s prepared to make, if she truly wants to achieve her goal.

Here’s a little exercise for you!

  1. Go through the list of core values below, and identify your top 10.
  2. When going through this list, eliminate or choose items as you go, until you only have 10 left.
  3. Review this list and compare it to your list of goals (I am assuming you have some goals written down or at least have an idea of what you want to achieve!), and determine if any of these values conflict with your goals.

Never skip this step when establishing your goals, because when your goals are aligned with your core values, you’re much more likely to succeed in achieving them!

Adventure

Achievement

Advancement

Affection

Arts

Calm, quietude, peace

Challenging problems

Change and variety

Cleanliness, orderliness

Close relationships

Commitment

Communication

Community

Competence

Competition

Concern for others

Contentment

Continuous improvement

Cooperation

Creativity

Customer satisfaction

Democracy

Development

Discipline

Ecological awareness

Economic security

Freedom

Friendships

Fun

Growth

Global view

Gratitude

Having a family

Honour

Hard work

Harmony

Honesty

Innovation

Integrity

Intellectual status

Involvement

Loyalty

Love, Romance

Leadership

Maximum utilization (of time, resources)

Meaningful work

Merit

Money

Nature

Openness

Order

Perfection

Quality of work

Recognition

Religion

Responsibility

Resourcefulness

Respect for individual

Results-oriented

Responsiveness

Reputation

Self-giving

Self-reliance

Service (to others, society)

Security

Self-respect

Serenity

Simplicity

Sophistication

Speed

Spiritual Life

Strength

Stability

Status

Systemization

Success

Teamwork

Time-freedom

Equality

Efficiency

Ethical practice

Excellence

Excitement

Faith

Fame

Family

Feeling

Flair

Personal Growth

Preservation

Pleasure

Power

Positive attitude

Practicality

Progress

Privacy

Public service

Purity

Tolerance

Tradition

Truth

Trust

Wealth

Wisdom

Work

Working with others

Working alone