Archives for October 2011

What to do if your man is withdrawing

Butterfly 70x70

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if relationships were easy and you always new where you stood and life therefore was wonderful and effortless?

But of course we know that’s not the reality, and relationships can be downright confusing!

I don’t know of any relationship that is perfect – they all come with thier own challenges, but it’s how you handle these challenges that will make for a great relationship!

So today’s challenge is about dealing with a man who is withdrawing.

It doesn’t matter who you are or where you live, your man will probably withdraw at times during your relationship. Sometimes it’s more obvious than others, but it does happen to some extent.

Men can withdraw for the following reasons:

  • They’re stressed about work
  • They have things on their mind that may or may not have anything to do with you
  • They’re tired
  • They’re feeling uncertain about your relationship
  • They just need some “man” time, alone

This is not an exhaustive list of why your man may be withdrawing, but it gives you a pretty clear indication that most of the time, they’re withdrawing for reasons that have absolutely NOTHING to do with you!

So that’s the good news!

The bad news is that many women respond quite badly to this – I’m speaking for myself too here! 😉

I’ve been so worked up about why my man is withdrawing that I spend my day obsessing about what can be wrong! Why hasn’t he called me, why did he act kind of distant, why didn’t he say much, why does he not want to see me tonight?????

These and many other questions have gone through my mind at some point, and to be honest, this stuff is draining! And not only is it draining on you, but it’s also draining on him!

He may not be there in the room with you, but I’ll bet he can “feel” the negative vibe you’re putting out there! And this is not good, because it could make things worse.

But if you’re able to deal with his withdrawals in a calm and positive way, things will return to normal a lot sooner, and you may find that he seems to be moving closer to you.

So…. what do you do if your man is withdrawing?

Here’s some of the things I have learned from a relationship coach, as well as some things I’ve tried (that worked!) with my guy:

  • Realise that he may withdrawing for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you – and in fact, this is most likely the case. Remember this point in particular – I think this one is our downfall in most cases!
  • Let him have his space – we all need it sometimes.
  • Don’t call him/text him/phone him, unless absolutely necessary, and NO making up excuses to contact him either!
  • Wait for him to contact you – and when he does, be open and inviting. There is NO room for accusations here!
  • Feel free, once he has contacted you, to tell him how it felt when he withdrew – remember, no accusations and just speak about how you felt. Eg. I feel so happy to hear from you! The last few days I’ve been feeling insecure/worried/upset because I didn’t hear from you. I hope everything is ok?
  • Put your focus on to you! Do things you love to do and get your mind off him now! Maybe you could go out with friends, or you could pamper yourself, or maybe get involved in something you’re passionate about. Anything to get your thoughts OFF him!

I suppose the most important thing here is to get yourself to stop thinking about where he’s at, and concentrate on yourself during these times. Do something for YOU! Something that makes your heart sing! And this ties in to my earlier post about identifying your purpose in life. Work that out and you have something fabulous to focus on while your man is hiding in his “man cave”!

What is your purpose in life?

Butterfly 70x70

What is your purpose in life? What were you put here to do? What are you unbelievably passionate about?

These are questions I’ve asked myself a gazillion times over the years, and I am happy to say that I now (finally!) have the answer!

Knowing your purpose or identifying your passion isn’t always something that comes easy to many people. I know I searched for my purpose in life for a very long time before I finally worked out exactly what it was and what it meant to me.

So once you’ve worked out what your passion or purpose in life is, then what? And why is it so important???

From now on I’ll use “purpose” as my reference to both purpose and passion because I really do think they are very similar or the same in many aspects.

Ok…. when you live without a purpose, you are literally heading nowhere. You’re just living day to day with no clear direction, and I can bet that you’re not feeling too great about yourself either, right? You probably feel lost, wondering why you’re here and why you even bother sometimes.

If you’re in a relationship, it’s likely that without a purpose, you’re totally focused on your man – not on yourself and what you want to do in life, because you really don’t know what you want to do! Without your own purpose, it’s very difficult to have your own interests outside of your relationships too – this is not healthy!

On the other hand, having a purpose gives you the following benefits:

  • Your life has a clear direction
  • You have a great reason for getting out of bed every day!
  • You feel fulfilled and happy because you’re doing what you know you were put on the planet to do!
  • Your relationships improve because you’re not solely focused on your partner.
  • Finding the motivation to achieve your goals isn’t difficult when they’re in line with your purpose.
  • You feel a great sense of satisfaction when your life is congruent to your values and purpose.

These are just some of the many benefits of identifying and living in line with your purpose, and I can assure you that once you’ve identified what your purpose is, you’re going to completely change your perspective on life! In fact, I guarantee it!

Ok, so it’s all well and good to know that identifying your purpose is a great thing, but what if you’re like I was, and you don’t have a CLUE what that is?

I recently read a book which specifically outlines, step by step, how to identify your passions so you can live your life by them, and I can’t recommend this book enough (see below for link). I had the pleasure of meeting one of the Authors recently, and she is the perfect example of somebody who’s truly living their purpose! She’s just so… HAPPY! :)

So take a look at this book – I definitely recommend it to anybody who’s struggling to identify their true passions in life.

Free coaching offer is now closed!

Butterfly 70x70

What a wonderful response I’ve received over the last few days to my free coaching offer!

This offer is now closed, and I would like to thank those of you who responded.

I will be emailing each and every one of you within the next two days to let you know if you’ve been successful.

Thanks again to those who participated! :)

Only a few hours left to let me know if you want to receive THREE months of FREE coaching!

Butterfly 70x70

Hi everybody! There’s only a few short hours left to let me know if you want to be one of the lucky 5 people to receive THREE months of FREEEEEE coaching!

So no matter what area of your life you want to work on, we will work closely together over the next three months to help you to reach your goals – or at least move you a LOT closer to them! 😉

If you’ve not already signed up to receive the free ebook, sign up over there to the right and reply to your welcome email, telling me why you think you should be chosen!

I look forward to possibly working closely with you soon!! Yay!

Special offer for all subscribers – FREE coaching!

Butterfly 70x70

Every once in a while, when I feel as though I am receiving more out of life than I am giving, I have the urge to give something back. And that is what today’s post is all about…

I know that you get more out of life than you give (it’s just how it is). I also know how much I absolutely LOVE to give and how wonderful it feels when I hear from a client and she’s gushing about how much better her life is, which is ultimately why I am sending you this email today.

So today I want to make a **very limited** offer to you.

I am offering 5 of my subscribers the opportunity to receive three months of free email coaching from me!

So if you’re struggling in a relationship, if you need help with boosting your career prospects, or you’re really just struggling with your self confidence and self esteem in general, then let me help you for three months – FREE!

If you are one of the lucky 5 chosen, then here’s how it will work:

– I will email you an introduction and our coaching relationship begins.
– We will work closely together, working out where you are now and where you want to be, and I may set specific tasks for you to do to move you closer to your goals.
– Once a week we will review your progress and celebrate your successes!
– At the end of the three months, we will review how far you have come and be thrilled at your progress! 😉
– And finally, we will put together a plan to keep you on track for the future.

Exciting huh?

So if you’re interested in this opportunity to receive free coaching, and you’re prepared to give 100% during the next three months, then enter your details over to the right of this page to receive your free ebook, then reply to the welcome email you receive after doing so, telling me why you like to be chosen as one of the 5 to receive this free coaching offer! You have until October 15 before I choose the lucky winners, so be quick!

Good luck and I look forward to the possibly of working closely with you to help you achieve your goals!

Do you feel like you’re not good enough?

Butterfly 70x70

I recently worked with a woman called Gina who felt that she was not good enough. She felt incapable of being satisfied, she hated her appearance and constantly felt regret over the things she said and did each day.

So Gina hides herself away from the world as much as possible, hoping this will help. It doesn’t.

Gina has a boyfriend and she knows that he can see the self hatred she pours over herself, and he doesn’t know what to do about it. He wants to help her but doesn’t know where to start. Gina also wonders why he has “settled” for her, because she believes he can do so much better.

She has no direction in her life, she has no interests and she hates to do anything alone. It’s like she can’t stand her own company.

The good news for Gina is that she is aware of what she is feeling and she knows it’s not how she wants to feel and she wants to make changes.

Gina had never asked for help before, so doing so was a huge step for her – this is a turning point in her life for sure!

Now, the first thing I realised for Gina was that she had lost sight of all of her positive points.

Her boyfriend was with her because he WANTED to be! If he didn’t want to be with her, he’d certainly go and find someone else! So I pointed out to Gina that he obviuosly saw something in her that she was failing to see, and he was sticking around because of that.

I did point out to her that the more hatred she poured on herself though, the more chance she had of pushing this wonderful man of hers away.

Now Gina was asking for help in finding new interests in her life, but I felt that before she started looking for new interests, she needed to do some work on herself first!

So here’s what I asked her to try for me:

  • Grab a notebook and a pen
  • Write down each and every little thing that you like about yourself, and everything that is good about you. I don’t care how small that thing is – just write it down!
  • Keep writing until you can’t think of any more.
  • Every day, spend five minutes thinking about all of the things you like about yourself, and write them down. Did you do something good today? Were you particularly kind to somebody today? Did you show some affection for a loved one or did you give your pet extra scratches, just because you love them, and you know they appreciated it? Every little thing counts!

This exercise is wonderful, because its aim is to take your focus off your negative thoughts about yourself, while putting your focus on the good things about yourself.

After only two days of following this exercise, Gina was already starting to feel more positive about her life too. She felt less bored with her life and and is learning to like her own company. She also said that she felt my advice was going to go a long way with her.

Over time, Gina’s perception of herself and her life will improve, and that’s when she’ll be more open to finding new interests, which may seem to “magically” fall into her lap and will be perfect for her! This often happens when you’re in a positive mindset.

Ok, so if you’re feeling down on yourself like Gina was, try this exercise for at least a week (longer is better) and take notice of the difference it makes to your outlook in life. I’m thinking you will feel AMAZED! :)

Is your marriage caught in a vicious circle?

Butterfly 70x70

If your relationship with your partner is bad, it’s likely you’re doing whatever it takes to avoid him and to spend as little time with him as possible. This is because you know that if you spend too much time with him, then an argument is likely to happen and yet again you will end up feeling bad and even more unhappy than you already were.

Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine. Her marriage had been on and off the rocks for some time, and like me, she had been verbally and emotionally abused by her husband for years.

She still loved him, although she was sick to death of being treated badly and of being yelled at. So after work she would delay going home by hanging out with a girlfriend for a couple of hours.

Unfortunately though, what this did was make things worse. Her husband would get upset with her for spending so much time away from home (and him). But my friend didn’t want to go home because of the way he treated her.

So can you see that there’s a vicious circle happening here? She doesn’t want to go home because of the way he’s treating her, and he treats her badly because he’s so angry at her for not coming home.

Now, this couple still have a VERY long way to go, but there are some things she can do to improve her situation.

But first she has to understand that she CANNOT change him or his behaviour. Only he can do that. She can only change herself and her behaviour, and this in turn will inspire him to change his.

So what this means is that she can’t “make” him treat her better, so she’s happy to go home sooner. But here’s what she can do…

The first thing she needs to do is make fixing her marriage her first priority. Unfortunately, by hanging out with friends instead of her husband, she’s “hiding” from the problems in her marriage. This is because the only reasoon she’s hanging out with friends so often is because she doesn’t want to be home with her husband.

If she doesn’t want to go home, then things are seriously wrong and they need to be worked out. Avoiding home is not how that’s done.

So the next step would be to start making the effort to spend more time at home with her husband.

This may create some immediate positive changes in him, but it may only be temporary – until he has another of his “outbursts”.

So this is where she needs to speak to him in a non-blaming way about it. She has already told him that she stays away because she doesn’t want to be with him, especially when he’s in a bad mood, so she might want to say something like: “I am spending more time at home to give this marriage a proper go, but I feel sad/upset/miserable when I am spoken to in that way”… or something along those lines (I’ll be providing some links to some great resources to help with the wording you could use, in the very near future).

So she’s not throwing accusations at him, but she IS telling him how his treatment of her makes her feel. She’s making this about herself – not him.

Now he may or may not react well to these words, but once you’ve said your piece, leave the room and do not bring it up again unless it happens again and he’s yelling at you.

This couple have been struggling for so many years, but from what she tells me and what I have observed, I KNOW he loves her, but he has a really crappy way of showing it.

She responds in a passive-agressive way, which of course makes the entire situation so much worse.

My friend really needs to put fixing her marriage as her first priority or it’s never going to happen – she will continue to live this way until she does something different.

But just like she can’t make her husband do something, I can’t make her. All I can do is let her know how I see things from my perspective, and hope that she listens… :)

Passion – The key to being happy in business

Butterfly 70x70

I have several mentors and each and every one of them has proven that to really succeed in business, I must be passionate about what I’m doing.

You’re not alone if you’re one of those people who hears the alarm in the morning, then proceeds to climb out of bed with a feeling of dread, thinking “I really don’t want to go to work today!”.

But not everybody feels this way. In fact, there are people out there who jump out of bed, excited about the day ahead!

I always had a dream of some day owning and running my own business, and I spent many years learning new skills, looking for business ideas (I had NO idea what my business was going to look like!), and I even tried my hand at various types of businesses, with varying success.

But all the while, I knew deep down what I was really passionate about and kind of what I wanted to do, but I was yet to build a business based around my passion.

Let me tell you a little about what really makes my heart sing…

I am extremely passionate about helping people succeed in all areas of life, which is why I decided to study and become a certified Life Coach.

You don’t have to look far to see that there are MANY people in this wonderful world of ours who have overcome the biggest obstacles to become extremely happy and successful in their lives. Many of these people started off with nothing, but they are living proof that no matter what your upbringing was like and no matter what your current circumstances are like, they have the ability to succeed in life.

I look back at my life 15 or so years ago and I can see how far I have come. When my self confidence was at its lowest of lows, there was no way I would have believed that I could be as happy and as successful as I am now. But when I began to build my confidence and self esteem, I was filled with hope and my future suddenly looked brighter.

I knew that there was a better life for me out there. I knew I could be successful in any area of my life if I just believed. Having mentors and coaches to guide me definitely helped me to stay on track too.

And now I want to help others to change their lives, just as my mentors and coaches helped me.

If you have low self esteem or low confidence, I want to help you to overcome this. I want you to start believing in yourself. I want to show you how just changing your mindset can completely change your life. Completely!

The reason I want to do this is because having coached several people from all over the world, I love the feeling I get when I help a client to completely change their outlook on life. What I love even more is that once their outlook on life changes, so does their life – dramatically! I absolutely LOVE the feeling I get when I received an excited email from a client, thanking me from the bottom of their heart for what I have done for them. It’s the warm and fuzzy stuff I adore! :)

The businesses I’ve started in the past, well they may have made me some money, but they didn’t make my heart sing. So I didn’t really apply myself to them in order to achieve great success. And they certainly didn’t make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside like when I’m coaching.

Do you want to know why that is?

It’s because I wasn’t passionate about what I was doing! My other businesses haven’t made my heart sing, I didn’t feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I received a thank you note from a happy client, over time I lost my enthusiasm, and I eventually lost interest.

Being passionate about what you are doing is the key to being happy in business. Working on your business will not be a chore – it will be a pleasure! And you will be more inclined to do what it takes to make that business succeed – because you absolutely love doing it! Getting out of bed will be easy! You will love your life, and it will show to all of those around you!

So what are you passionate about? What makes your heart sing? Could you create products and turn this into a business? Think outside the box – I’m sure you could! 😉

How to create a happy relationship

Butterfly 70x70

Even if your relationship isn’t great right now, there are some things you can do to try to turn things around.  Often what happens when things are going sour is that both parties begin to feel unloved and unappreciated.

It’s common when you’re feeling this way to begin an ongoing cycle of criticism of your man.  And he probably does the same thing too.

But you must remember one thing:  You cannot change a man – you can only make changes within yourself!

I cannot stress this enough!  Often what happens when things are bad is that you begin blaming him for everything that’s wrong with your relationship.  But I’m sad to say, that a relationship rarely goes sour thanks to just one of you – it usually takes two to send it down the tubes!  So while you can’t change him, you CAN change yourself, and you will be amazed at what a difference this can make to your relationship!

So what happens when a man feels criticised or unappreciated by his partner?  What does he do?

Look at this list and see if your man is doing any of these things:

  • He stops communicating any appreciation for you
  • He begins to fee like he has failed in life and in your relationship
  • He loses his passion – for life and for you
  • He will search out ways to express his frustrations – either directly or indirectly
  • He will begin to avoid you and will find excuses to spend time away from you
  • He will begin to shut you out – you will lose intimacy with him
  • He will no longer be there for you like he used to be

Every time you criticise him, he begins to shut down – and shut you out, and sadly, unless you become aware that you’re doing this, you probably won’t notice it’s happening at first.

When you think about it, when you criticise a man, you’re expressing to him that you want him to change.  But men do NOT like being told what to do – especially not by a woman!  So the more you try to tell him what to do, the less likely you are to get the results you want!

So how can you create a happy relationship?  How can you turn things around so your partner wants to be with you, is passionate about his life, and loves to do things that make you happy?

There are three things a man needs to feel for this to happen:

  1. Acknowledged
  2. Appreciated
  3. Admired

Let’s explore these in more detail…

When a man feels acknowledged for the good things he’s done, he knows that he’s doing something that’s worthwhile.  It could just be that he works extremely hard day after day, and you acknowledge the contribution he’s making to the household.

When a man feels appreciated, he knows that every effort he makes isn’t for nothing.  He knows you appreciate what he has done and feels good about himself for making you happy.  Believe it or not, men LOVE to make their women happy! And if you’re showing him appreciation for even just the smallest things, then he will know he’s on the right track!

Men love to be admired.  I suppose from a women’s perspective, that could look a bit like an ego thing, but either way, if your guy is extra smart or skilled at something, or if he’s recently achieved something, show him admiration.  Let him know that you think he’s great in an admiring way!

None of these ideas require him to actually make any changes.  This is all about you and how you communicate with him and consciously work on noticing the small positive things and acknowledging them.

So my suggestion to you is to begin trying these things (remember to be authentic and do not go over the top!), and watch for positive changes.  I am almost certain you will be very surprised at how quickly things can change for the better!  😉

Find a Mentor to Achieve Success

Butterfly 70x70

Are you feeling “stuck” right now, wondering what on earth you want to do with your life, but worried you will be stuck what you’re doing forever because you don’t have any other “skills”?

If you had told me a few years ago that I would some day be offering freelance writing services to small businesses, I would have said you were crazy!  I’m no literary genius and I had never received any “formal” training on becoming a writer.  So this was definitely not something I could see myself doing!

But it’s funny how life turns out…

I regularly wrote articles for my blog and I enjoyed doing this, especially when the topic was something I was really interested in or passionate about.

So along came somebody who soon became my friend and mentor, and who very quickly helped me to realise how much potential I really had when it came to writing for other people!  Very soon I had my own freelance writing business and  I was writing articles for my clients who were located all over the world!

Never in a thousand years would I have thought I could do this – and the money was pretty good too!  :)

It was a great experience and even though I’m no longer writing full time, I do still have a few clients I write for on a regular basis, purely because I love the topics they want me to write about.

So the next time you find yourself saying you can’t do this, or you can’t do that because you’ve not been formally trained, just remember that you might actually be more capable than you think you are!

Finding a mentor or coach is great, because they can see in you what you can’t see in yourself. They’re great for pushing you beyond where you would have ventured alone too.

If you’re feeling really stuck, a mentor or coach will help you to identify your strengths and ways in which you can utilise them and they’ll be there to keep you accountable too.

Sometimes it’s difficult to stay motivated, but if you have somebody there who’s going to ask you if you completed a task you set for yourself, you’re more likely to do it!

I have many mentors.  Some I know personally and we keep in regular contact so they can “check up” on me and I may have paid them to mentor me or I’ve offered to provide a service to them (such as writing articles for their website) in return for some course material that they sell.  Other mentors have written books, recorded audios and videos or created programs which I have purchased.

So having a coach or mentor doesn’t necessarily mean you have to know them personally and pay them thousands of dollars to mentor you.  But it does mean you need to get out there and work out what you need help with, and source coaches and mentors in that field.  Once you’ve found a couple, visit their website and begin learning!

If you learn just one thing from one of them, then you’re another step closer to achieving success!  :)