Archives for May 2009

Who Creates Your Reality

Butterfly 70x70

Who creates your reality?  Why is your life the way it is so?  What is your purpose in life?

I was reading as I regularly do and came across this passage that is a Sioux Creation Myth that explains this quite well:

The Creator gathered all of Creation and said, “I want to hide something from the humans until they are ready for it.  It is the realisation that they create their own reality.”  The eagle said, “Give it to me, I will take it to the moon.”  The Creator said, “No.  One day they will go there and find it.”  The salmon said, “I will bury it on the bottom of the ocean.”  “No.  They will go there too.”  The buffalo said, “I will bury it on the Great Plains.”  The Creator said, “They will cut into the skin of the Earth and find it even there.”

Grandmother Mole, who lives in the breast of Mother Earth, and who has no physical eyes but sees wtih spiritual eyes, said, “Put it inside of them.”  And the Creator said, “It is done.”

All too often I hear of people blaming their reality on forces outside of themselves and I was once one of those people.  Once I realised that my reality comes from within, I was able to control my own destiny and my life dramatically changed for the better.

Domestic Violence – Should I get out?

Butterfly 70x70

Being caught up in a domestic violence situation is not a situation anyone wants to be in.

I have found over time that my articles on domestic violence receive a lot of views and this concerns me in a way because it probably means there are people in this situation who are looking for answers.  It could also be that the friends and family of those caught in an abusive relationship are searching for ways to help their friends.

I came across a forum post from a woman was telling us that as she typed, her husband was lying unconscious and drunk in the bathroom and it was only 7.30pm.  What really made her angry was that they had a young son together and he had witnessed his father coming home drunk, then vomiting everywhere.  Not very nice at all.

The number of responses from women who had all been in similar situations was astounding, although one response in partcular I found to be very valuable.

All of the women suggested that this woman put her foot down with her husband and tell him that enough was enough (he was doing this regularly and after apologising and telling her he wouldn’t do it again, was continuing on the cycle – this is also typical of abusers) and give him an ultimatum.   But the last response was probably the most important of all.  While this was in response to a question around an alcohol problem, this could be applied to abuse situations, or drug addition.

She offered the following advice:

  • Her son’s safety had to come first, regardless of whether she left him or stayed.  If he wasn’t abusive before, he could become abusive if he felt his way of life was being threatened.
  • Get as much support from family and friends as you can – you’re going to need it!
  • Be sure that you have copies (and originals) of all important documents, such as bank account details, birth certificates, marriage certificates, etc and have a friend or relative keep these safe for you.
  • The same goes for photos and other sentimental items – things could get ugly, so it is best to be prepared.
  • Contact your local support group (there are plenty around that support the families of abusers, alcoholics or addicts)

Getting out of any relationship is always difficult, but if you have the right support around you, then the load will feel significantly lighter.

You know deep down inside whether you should stay or go, but always remember to consider your safety and that of your children (if you have any) first.  I cannot stress this enough.

Should I tell someone that they make me feel inferior?

Butterfly 70x70

Should you tell someone that they make you feel inferior?

There are obviously two possible answers to this question:  Yes or No.

Consider this:  What is it about this person that makes you feel inferior? Do you think they are doing it on purpose?  Does it happen often?  Are you being over-sensitive?  If you were to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, do you think they would feel the same way you do?  Do others feel the same way about this person?  How are you perceiving this situation?  If you looked at it from a different angle, would it still look the same?

Also read my post on the subject: http://selfconfidence101.com/self-confidence/nobody-can-make-you-feel-inferior-without-your-consent/.  It’s brief but it does explain how many people don’t even realise they are “making” people feel inferior.

Nobody can actually “make” you feel inferior – that comes from you and the little voice in your head that tells you to feel that way!

If this person’s words or actions are really upsetting to you and you really feel that you need to say something to them, then it is important to think about how you are going to say it.

For example, you might want to approach this person in the following way:

“When you do X in Y situation, I feel like Z”…

Fill in the X with their action/words, Y is the situation (eg. during a meeting, when discussing arrangements for that event last week, etc) and Z is how you felt when they did/said what they did.

Tackling situations in a positive way and avoiding the aggressive approach is usually the best way to solve a conflict, and as I said above, this person may have no idea they are doing what you perceive them to be doing!  On the other hand, they may be fully aware of this and there is probably little you can do to change the way they are.

Your other option is to say nothing and if this is the path you choose, consider the following points:

  • If you choose to say nothing, but plan on stewing on the issue for years to come, then maybe this is not the best option for you!
  • Is the situation really that important, and if not, then maybe it is best to let it go (consider the point above first!)?
  • Is the other person continuing to act in this way, and if so, do you think that saying nothing is the answer to solving the issue?

As you can see, there are different ways to look at the situation and the decision about whether to say something can be a lot more complex than you originally thought!  Look at your options from various angles and make the choice that you believe will work best for you.

What is your motivation to lose weight?

Butterfly 70x70

If you want to lose weight because your doctor said you should or you’re scared of getting heart disease or diabetes, then it is unlikely you will be able to keep the motivation going to follow through and achieve your weight loss goals.

On the other hand, if you want to lose weight because you really want to improve quality of your life, then you have a much higher chance of success!

Many people are initially motivated by fear or they feel they are being pressured to lose weight and unfortunately this isn’t a very inspiring way to stay focused and on track!

Being motivated this way really focuses on the negatives – what you hope to lose if you don’t lose weight, rather than the positives – what you will gain through weight loss.

So if you’re one of those people who has decided they want to lose weight, start to look at the real reasons why you want to.

If you’re initially driven by fear of what you could lose, try to look at what you will get out of losing weight. List down all of the benefits, and keep your focus on these as you get closer to your goal.

Even better, find a weight loss buddy to go through your weight loss journey with you and make it someone who will encourage you and support you and challenge you to succeed.

 

Related articles

Lose weight and improve your self esteem

Do you have a “Keep Out” sign plastered across your forehead? Tips to attract your perfect partner

Butterfly 70x70

I have two friends who have at some stage had someone comment that they had “Keep Out” plastered across their foreheads, meaning that only the very brave of men could take the risk to actually talk to them, let alone get to know them!

Both of my friends are giving, loving women who have so much to give, however one of them is still looking for love (in the wrong places too, I might add!).

So why is it that whilst they desperately want to meet Mr Right, they’re sending out signals that contradict that?

(I might add at this point that one of my friends finally did meet Mr Right on a blind date and she has been very happy with him for several years now!)

Here’s my take on the situation with my friends:

  • They are so scared of being alone, that they are sending out messages that attract what it is they really don’t want – being alone!
  • Attaching negative thoughts to attracting the right partner. For example, you see a happy couple, and you feel jealous of what they have. You are jealous of their good fortune. This attracts more negative into your life.
  • Looking at your prospective partner’s perspective, do you think they would want someone who smells like they’re desperate?
  • Also looking from their perspective, do you think you’d be seen as a good partner if you sneer at every happy couple that walks past?

The bottom line is this – how much fun are you to be around? If you were that person, would you want to be with you?

You probably have so much to offer, but like my friends, those qualities are hidden deep down below for just in case someone you meet wants to hurt you in some way.

Getting out there and meeting Mr/Ms Right is a risk:

  • They could be married and you have become the “other woman” or “other man” unknowingly!
  • They could take you on the date from hell
  • They could be an absolute loser
  • They could be an abuser
  • You really just don’t get along or you just don’t like them
  • They could have every bad quality known to man
  • They could cheat on you or hurt you in other ways

So many things can go wrong, and sadly, so many single people remain focused on these.

What about the things you can gain from meeting the right person:

  • Happily ever after
  • They become your best friend
  • You always have someone to talk to about your problems
  • You have someone you can be intimate with
  • You have someone who is there for you, for better or for worse
  • They may some day be the mother or father to your children
  • They may help you grow in so many ways
  • They may be lots of fun and a joy to be around
  • You want to spend the rest of your life with them
  • They want to spend the rest of their life with you

Ok, the fairy tale is rarely perfect, however from my own experience I know it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before.

I’ve been hurt before (my ex hubby), however I am so grateful to him for what I gained from being with him. I have a beautiful daughter, I have learned the difference between a good and a bad relationship, I finally met my current husband who I probably would never have met if I hadn’t married my first husband first! Sooo many reasons to be grateful!

Being in a relationship is risky, but if you’re able to see the positives and how much they outweigh the risks, then maybe you can relax a bit and get that “Keep Out” sign off your forehead and open yourself up to the joys of falling in love!

 

Related articles

Self Responsibility

How do I attract the right partner?

Is your self talk doing you damage?

Butterfly 70x70

What you say to yourself can sometimes be more damaging than what others say to you.

How often do you berate yourself for doing something wrong or making a mistake? How harsh are you?

For the most part, we are more harsh on ourselves than others are of us, and it is until we become conscious of the fact that we are doing this, that we can finally take control of it.

We all make mistakes and we all do things we may regret later, but these things are all part of learning. As long as you learn from your past mistakes, you can move on and make different choices next time.

The following steps will give you some idea of what you can try the next time you notice you’re talking negatively to yourself:

  • First, be aware of what you say to yourself and why you are saying it.
  • Instead of telling yourself that you were stupid for doing something wrong, reword it in your mind to be more like “Ok, that wasn’t the right thing to do. Next time I will do it like…whatever”.
  • Compliment yourself when you do something well! Give yourself a mental pat on the back when you succeed!
  • Reward yourself for your accomplishments! You don’t have to go all out – just do something nice for yourself!
  • You MUST believe you deserve to be treated well, because if you begin to believe it, then your self talk will change. Change that and you will start to see people treating you differently (nice differently! :-)) and that makes you feel even better about yourself.

When you change how you speak to yourself and how you perceive yourself, the outside world changes dramatically. All of a sudden you see things differently and in a more positive light. More opportunities come your way, a different breed of people start to cross your path and things just seem to go right all of a sudden.

Try this over the next month and see what a difference it really can make to your entire life!

Should I review my goals?

Butterfly 70x70

Have you written down your goals? If so, when was the last time you reviewed them? If you haven’t, then why not?? 😉

Our lives are quickly passing us by and it is little wonder that tasks such as reviewing our goals get pushed aside but they are important, so must be treated as such!

So here’s something you can do over the next week or so.

Set aside one hour to review your goals. Are they still relevant? Are you on track? Have you achieved part or all of them? Do you think you could now achieve more? If so, modify your goal and make it more challenging!

Are there more things you want to achieve that you didn’t think of last time you sat down and looked at your goals? Write them down too!

There is no better way to improve your outlook on life than to have something to strive for. And once you get there, you also have that wonderful sense of achievement!

So reviewing your goals on a regular basis is definitely something you should do on a monthly or bi-monthly basis.