Archives for November 2007

What are the consequences of having a low self esteem?

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Having a low self esteem isn’t just about how you feel about yourself.  It can actually have a devastating effect on your entire life.

Having a low self esteem can create anxiety, stress, lonliness and it can increase the likelyhood of depression.

Having low self esteem can cause problems with friendships and relationships.

Having low self esteem can seriously impair academic and job performance.

It can also lead to underachievement and increased vulnerability to drug and alcohol abuse.

If you feel you are suffering from low self esteem, then now is the time to do something about it.  There are plenty of resources and tools out there to help you.  This site is only one of many resources you can find online. 

No matter what, you MUST do what you can to improve your self esteem.  Not only will the consequences above be minimised, but you will find that once your self esteem is on the way up, your life will dramatically change for the better.

Ensure you visit this site often as it is updated regularly with tips and ideas to help you to get out of that emotional rut that is low self esteem.

Until next time, have a great day!

Do you have low self esteem?

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This is taken from a book I am about to start promoting.   There are many indicators that a person has low self esteem. 

Do any of these points sound like you? 

·        Do you consider yourself lost, unworthy of being cared for?

·        Are you a poor risk taker?

·        Do you operate out of a fear of rejection?

·        Are you typically unassertive in your behavior with others?

·        Are you fearful of conflict with others?

·        Are you hungry for the approval of others?

·        Are you a poor problem solver?

·        Are you fraught with irrational beliefs and have a tendency to think irrationally?

·        Are you susceptible to all kinds of fears?

·        Do you have a tendency to become emotionally stuck and immobilized?

·        Do you have a poor "track record" in school or on the job?

·        Are you unable to affirm or to reinforce yourself positively?

·        Are you unable to make an honest assessment of your strengths, qualities, and good points?f

·        Do you have poorly defined self-identities with a tendency to be a chameleon in order to fit in with others?

·        Are you insecure, anxious, and nervous when you are with others?

·        Do you often become overcome with anger about your status in life and are you likely to have chronic hostility or chronic depression?

·        Are you easily overcome with despair and depression when you experience a setback or loss in your life?

·        Do you have a tendency to overreact and become de-energized by resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge against those whom you believe have not fully accepted you?

·        Do you fulfill roles in your family of origin that are counter-productive and maladaptive. 

·        Are you vulnerable to mental health problems and have a propensity to use addictive behavior to medicate your hurt and pain?  Such addictive behavior can include alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, shopping, smoking, working too much, or the search for excitement, truth, wisdom.

Think about what you do from day to day.  Think about your interaction with others, and note your inner personal dialogue.  What are you saying to yourself?  How do you feel about yourself?

The first step towards fixing your self esteem is first realising you have a problem with it!

Until next time, have a great day!

Children and self esteem

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As a mother of two children, I find it really disturbing to hear stories of parents putting their children down.  I hear them being told they are stupid idiots, they’ll never amount to anything or they’re fat, or whatever.

What kind of damage are these parents doing to their children?  I can pretty much bet every cent I own that these children are not going to think much of themselves, and this will carry forward into adulthood.

A parent is supposed to nurture their child, teach them right from wrong, encourage them to be their best, be there for them when they’re down, to create stability in their child’s life.  I have found with my eldest child that even though she’s in "trouble" with me on occasion (moreso now as she nears her teens!), she understands why she is in trouble, and is usually resigned to her punishment, which is usually one of her favourite things taken away from her for a few days to a week, or no playing with her friends on the weekend.  Never have I put her down in ANY way, and nor will I ever do such a thing.

No child is perfect and because they are human, they will make mistakes – I can guarantee it.  As parents we must understand that fact, and ensure our children know when they have done something wrong and guide them to make things right again.

Have a great day!

Having trouble meeting a decent partner? Your self esteem might be the problem…

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Are you having trouble meeting someone?  Do you go out week after week, looking for Mr or Ms Right but come home disappointed because yet again, the perfect partner was nowhere to be found?

From experience I have learned that your self esteem or self confidence can have a huge impact on your chances of meeting a potential partner.  It can also affect the type of person you attract.

At the time of meeting my first husband, I was not a very confident person at all.  In fact, I really didn’t think much of myself at all.  He was my perfect match.  He had a low opinion of himself (hence his need to put me down to make himself feel better), and he even accused me of wanting to cheat on him on a couple of occasions.  I was apparently going to cheat on him with our next door neighbour and then with one of his closest friends (I have no idea where he got that idea from as the thought had never crossed my mind).  Looking back, I can see that it was his low opinion of himself that drove him to make such accusations.

After Mr Wrong was off the scene (yep, I got rid of him!), I was on the lookout for Mr Right again.  This time I had a lot of confidence in myself, I liked myself and I was enjoying life.  I felt great and was really happy.  And then along came Mr Right, and in the most unexpected place (more on that another time).  Not only was he the complete opposite of Mr Wrong, but he was happy, confident, loving, and has turned out to be a wonderful husband and father. 

So how did my self esteem affect who I attracted?

Think about it from potential Mr or Ms Right’s point of view.  If you were to walk past, eyes on the ground (so no chance of eye contact), body hunched over and no smile to be seen, what kind of message are you putting across?  Remember, misery loves company!

On the other hand, if you’re walking past with your shoulders back, head held high, smiling and looking confident, then you’re sending out positive vibes!  My Mr Wrong would not have the courage to approach someone like this as he would fear  the rejection too much.

Now I hear you saying, "But what if I don’t feel confident?" or "What if I don’t like myself?".  My response would be "Fake it!".  Pretend you feel great when you don’t.  Say nice things about yourself.  You don’t have to say them to other people  – just say it to the mirror!  Before you go out, push your shoulders back, smile in the mirror, tell yourself how wonderful and confident you are.  Ok, your family might think you’ve completely lost it, but you will soon find that after doing this every day for a while, it will become a habit.  It’s like if you’re told a lie often enough you start to believe it.  It’s the same for self confidence.  Eventually your subconscious mind is going to start believing that you are wonderful and confident.  You will notice that over time you will have a bit of a spring in your step, you will smile more, you will feel more confident.

Just try it for a month and see how it goes!

Until next time,

Have a great day!

Improve your Self Esteem, Change Your Life – Part 3

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My life started to improve every day.  I really started to enjoy being single, and spent a lot of quality time with my daughter. 

While I didn’t have a good relationship with her father, I made sure to be positive about her visits with him and his parents and continue to do so – I felt that as long as he treated her well (which he does to the best of his ability), then I had no right to speak badly of him to her or in front of her.  To do so, would have only caused her pain and turmoil and that’s not fair to her.  I felt it was my duty as her mother to ensure she grew up as happy and as well-adjusted as possible.  It’s now 7  and a half years on, and I think I’ve done a pretty good job!

I used the times when my daughter was staying with her father or his family to do things for myself.  I started dating, I would go out with friends, I did whatever I wanted, and made sure I enjoyed it!

I was able to tick a couple of goals off my list, and of course this gave me a great sense of achievement.  My self esteem was really starting to kick along now!  I also noticed that the better I felt about myself, the more potential suitors I would meet!  What I also noticed as my self esteem improved, was the quality of the people I was meeting was improving. 

Over a year of singledom later, and I really did like myself.  I was doing great in my job (although I was bored), I was happy, I had a great social life and while I didn’t have loads of money, I was able to treat myself on occasion.  I even started to donate regularly to a charity I believed in, and that made me feel really good about myself.  Life was grand!  I continued to date various people, but now I was able to pick and choose who I saw.  If they didn’t meet my "criteria" then they were out! 

I think the main key to improving my self esteem once I was on my own, was having set goals to work towards.  They really gave me something to focus on and look forward to.  They gave meaning to my life.  Also, having a set "criteria" as to the type of future partner I wanted ensured I was able to hold myself accountable if I came across someone who didn’t meet any of them.  Now, I bet you’re wondering what the criteria was right?  If I get enough people asking, then I might post it in here one day!

In summary, and looking back on my life, I improved my self esteem in the following ways:

  1. I started to put ME first (by leaving my marriage), even though I thought I was putting my daugher first.  Leaving was a benefit to both of us.
  2. I started to enjoy myself – I got out there and had FUN for once!
  3. I donated to a charity – only a small amount, but it made me feel really good to be helping someone who was very likely worse off than myself.
  4. I set goals – this gave me focus and I now had something to look forward to.
  5. I set "criteria" – this held me accountable to the type of people I would go out with.  I now kept myself accountable to a higher standard and was not going to accept whoever wanted me (I was good at that when I was young) just because they gave me the right kind of attention.
  6. I learned that I owed it to my daughter to look after myself.
  7. I made the decision to live a happy and successful life – this is sooo important.  Making the decision to live a happy and successful life is much more powerful than thinking I deserve a happy and successful life.  Think about this point carefully.
  8. I started to spend a lot of quality time with my daughter – As my daughter grew and as we grew closer, I really started to see how much she loved and needed me.  This made me feel like I was doing a good job.
  9. I treated myself on occasion – Treat yourself regularly!  You deserve it!  It took me a long time to believe that…!
  10. I noticed how others reacted when I felt good about myself – I also noticed how they reacted when I felt bad.  I also attracted different types of people when I felt good – better people for me.

I hope my story helps at least one person who reads this – I really do believe that a low self esteem is the reason why people resort to crime or drugs, or abuse, or any other negative action or trait.  Ok, many may not actually start abusing others because they have low self esteem, but they may become a victim like I was.  And I was very much the victim in all areas of my life at the time!

Have a great day!

Improve your Self Esteem, Change Your Life – Part 2

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In my post yesterday I started talking about how I improved my self esteem, which started off with leaving my marriage.

Now, I’m not saying that everyone who is miserable in their marriage should get out!  There is a lot more to the story, which involved counseling (which he finally agreed to after many years of me suggesting it because he knew that this time I meant business), to him telling me I was a f*&%ing stupid b*&!$ whenever I said something he didn’t like (this was AFTER our counseling session (he only went to one and refused to attend any more) and after he had admitted that what he was doing was wrong!).  Now mind you, he was trying to convince me he had changed and would never call me names again, yet as soon as something didn’t go his way, he’d start.  Did he think I was stupid???  I suppose he did – I’d let him get away with it for 9 years!  I eventually realised that he was not going to change and for the sake of my daughter, I had to get out.

I really do believe that most marriages are worth saving.  Mine wasn’t, probably because I’d left it so long before taking action and I had reached the point where I really didn’t love my husband at all, but someone else’s very likely could be.

Ok, so I left my husband.  I had my daughter, some of our clothes and some pots and pans and a couple of pieces of furniture.  He kept the house, the car, the electrical goods and pretty much everything else.  But I didn’t care.  I had my daughter, and that’s all that mattered.  As I left, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders.  It was an amazing feeling…

I had no money either, so my wonderful parents were there with open arms, and all I can say to that is THANK GOD!!!

Before long, with lots of mad saving, I was able to afford the rent on my own place and moved in on a weekend when my daughter was staying with her father.

After the furniture was in and everyone was gone, I sat down in the middle of my lounge room floor and I cried like I’ve never cried before.  I cried about what my life had come to, I cried because I had brought a little girl into this miserable world of mine, I cried, wondering how I had gotten myself into the situation I was in.  I had never felt so alone.

It was at that moment, that I made the  decision to live a happy and successful life from now on.  If not for my sake, then for the sake of my daughter.  I owed at least that much to her.

So I started to think about what I wanted in my life.  I wrote down my goals, I wrote up a list of "requirements" a future partner would need to have before I would even let him in the front door, I started to see that my life could be great and I could one day be truly happy!

Until tomorrow, have a great day!

Improve your Self Esteem, Change Your Life – Part 1

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A person’s self esteem, how they view themself, what they think about themself, has a lot to do with the amount of success that person will achieve. 

A person who thinks they will amount to nothing is right.  A person who thinks they will succeed is also right.

How can that be?

Some might say it’s all about the Law of Attraction.  What you think about you will attract, and I really believe this to be true.  Others who may not believe in the Law of Attraction might think having a high self esteem means a person will get out more, try new things and to commit to success, hence their positive results.  On the other hand, a person with a low self esteem will more likely avoid putting themselves in situations where they need to jump out of their comfort zones, so will continue on as they are, getting nowhere.  I also believe this to be true.

Being a person who once suffered from low self esteem I can honestly say that I would have made much better choices early on (especially as a teen), if only I had thought better of myself.  I attracted bad situations, people who were not good for me, I felt so low and at times I even hated myself.  There were even times when I thought the world would be better off without me.  I am really grateful I was able to improve my self esteem to a level where I am now living a happy, fulfilling and successful life.  Continuing as I was could have been disasterous! 

So how did I improve my self esteem?

For me it was quite a long process.  Also, I am quite a proud person and I wasn’t about to tell anyone how horrible my life was, so I lived each day, hoping that it would eventually get better, but of course it got worse.

One day I realised that if I wanted to make my life better, then it was totally up to me.  Yes, I was afraid.  In fact, I was scared to death!  But I knew I had to do SOMETHING… 

My first major step towards improving my self esteem was ending my marriage after 9 years of verbal and emotional abuse.  I had contemplated doing this for several years before I actually built up the courage to do it, as I feared being on my own, and then of being a single mother (as I had a young daughter at the time).  The deal breaker was the thought that my daughter, after watching our interactions every day as she grew older, would think this kind of life was normal.  That thought really bothered me – what if she ended up as miserable as I was?  I would feel terrible, because I was supposed to be setting a good example for her and here I was living a nightmare.  Didn’t I owe it to her to be happy myself??

So I left.

I also made a promise to myself to NEVER, EVER let ANYONE treat me like that, EVER again…

More in my next post!

Welcome!

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Hi everyone and welcome to Self Confidence 101.

It is my goal to help as many people as I can the world over with their issues relating to low self confidence and self esteem.

You will be amazed at how much a slight shift in your level of confidence or self esteem can make to your life – in fact, you will notice your life will change dramatically!  I know this from personal experience!

The products, services and information provided on this website will be all you need to change into the positive, confident person you really are!

Visit often or subscribe via the RSS link to check for updates.

Have a great day!

Michelle Green

www.selfconfidence101.com